To Hold the Moment

The petals danced in the wind. 

Pale, pink blossoms showering the yard. 

Spinning, whirling.

Images of Anne of Green Gables

The White Way of Delight flutter through my mind. 

Delightful visions.

This tree. 

This moment. 

I want to hold it. 

The beauty.

To behold. 

If we choose. 

I may have missed the significance;

closed my eyes to what needed to be seen.

We dash through life. 

Event to event. 

Attempts to numb pain. 

Create a rush. 

Rare do we pause; 

until moments like this;

create the occasion to see.

The magnitude of loss; still present, 

the waiting on ct scans and organic transition still there. 

But for a moment. 

Time stood still. 

The holy touched the earth. 

Something greater than myself spoke life and

 breath into the deepest place in my being. 

A moment that transcended this life as we know it. 

I Chronicles 16:29
Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.

Every Time I See Purple. . . I Think of Her

He wore purple to the Missions Night. 
Our Youth Pastor. 
He didn't know it was the Eve of her home going. 
It made me think of her. 
She would have loved his outfit. 
She would have told him. 
So, I did. 
And today she's been gone for 3 years. 
Her smile and laughter missed by all who knew her. 
This is a repost from last year. 
It is my walk. 
The journey God has placed before me. 
I am grateful I worked through the tough season with my mom to be able to love and serve her in her last days her on this earth. 
If you have relationships that are fragmented. 
Work. 
To make them holy. 
Strive to be peace. 
I for one am grateful I did. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She Loved God, She loved purple, She was our Mom
December 5, 2014

She loved purple.

She loved God. 

She and my dad fought often during their married life. 

Good old knock down drag out fights. 

Yet loved fiercely. 

They stayed true to the institution of marriage. 

Maybe that was the secret. 

Things weren't left undone. 

For better, or worse. 

Her home was immaculate. 

She and my dad built their dream log cabin in the woods. 

They had plans to travel. 

God had other plans.

She would travel; 
but mostly only as far as Boston; to the inside of a hospital.

Cancer would be her companion for 9 years. 

She would learn to live with this unwanted roommate. 

Her life not much altered. 

Cancer would not have the last word; 

she prayed. 

She trusted. 

Even when my dad showed signs of shacking up with the memory thief. 

She never wavered. 

She just added doctors visits and chemo to her daily tasks 
and busy social calendar. 

She persevered with a fierce resolve.

Her cancer became a blessing. 

For a season of my life I was at odds with my mom. 

Our views of the world different. 

Hers, through rose colored glasses; me through concrete realism. 

Until one day, with the help of my Mother in law, I began to see that relationship in a different light. 

A changed perspective; work. 

A relationship worth fighting for. 

And I did. 

I changed. 

God blessed. 

I had the honor and privilege of caring for my mom. 

And I miss her. 

It is two years since she journeyed home to be with Jesus. 

Two years of some of the hardest moments I've ever experienced. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. 

I am reminded of her in so many ways. 

A random purple gift bag in with the Christmas ones, 

A purple Christmas tree in a shop. 

A laugh; each Christmas ornament on the tree,
 given to each of the kids, each year. 

A legacy. 

A reminder. 

This Christmas Season as we celebrate, I think about my mom. 

She made Christmas beautiful and holy. 

It was magical and reverent all at the same time. 

Even Santa bowed low to the Magnificence of a Savior born.

Her enthusiasm was contagious. 

She never met a stranger. 

She loved music; all kinds. 

And now she dwells with the Most High. 

Her pain all gone. 

She also resides with my boy. 

And I am sure there is great rejoicing in the heavenly realms. 

Mom, I am grateful for the years I was able to spend with you. 

I am glad God helped to make our relationship what it was. 

I am so thankful for your witness to our living God. 

Because I never would have been able to walk this road with out the rock solid faith you showed in every aspect of your life. 

Last year I wrote these words. And they resonate with my heart this day. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name
 above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All

Chris Tomlin

Jesus Messiah

Alone

Alone.
That's how I find myself this week. 
Plans to spend time with the youngest. 
Changed. 
And now. 
Alone. 
At first. 
I do not know how to react. 
Alone. 
In a room. 
A clean room. 
2 beds. 
Meals prepared. 
Solid biblical preaching. 
All alone. 
My own schedule. 
Clean towels everyday. 
Coffee. 
Everywhere. 
In the room. 
In the lobby. 
In the dining hall. 
Alone. 
I don't do alone. 
I find someone to accompany me to the store. 
I fight off the panic that threatens. 
It is then that I hear the small voice. 
Commune with me. 
How I have longed for more time to dig deep. 
To study the word. 
Commune with me. 
I don't know if I can.
This God that I want to know intimately, allowed my son to be taken. 
He allowed my husband to have cancer. 
He has allowed our finances to be stretched. 
In short amounts of time he allowed my Aunt, my parents best friend and my mom to journey home. 
He allowed my parents dog and our puppy to die premature deaths. 
He has allowed my dad to date the memory thief. 
He is also the same God who allowed a beautiful grand daughter to be born. 

Commune with me,  he says. 
I love Him and I will serve him. 
Yet spend alone time with him? 

In the quiet? 
I don't know if I can. 
I am raw.
 I am vulnerable.

Typically I recharge by being with people. 
But I don't have that energy any more. 

I open my mind to the possibilities. 

Richard Blackaby says,
 "Unless you make an adjustment. .. you're not going anywhere." 

And I cry out to God. 

Hasn't an adjustment already been made? 
An adjustment I didn't ask for or ever desire? 

Richard Blackaby continues his talk. 
He talks about his Father, Henry. 
One of the most influential men of our time. 
A man devoted to the word of God. 
A man so knowledgeable. 
He shares how his dad still longs to grow. 
To know more of God. 
To dig deeper. 
He challenges us to continue to be hungry for God. 
To find out what is holding us back? 
We are the ones who are limiting what God can do in our lives. 
What am I doing in my life that would require a miracle? 

I don't know where God will take me this week. 
Commune with me. 
I know that spending time, alone, with Him, is a starting place. 

I am embracing this gift of this week. 
I am willing to face everything, boldly. 
I am sure I may not like all that will transpire. 
But I am going to continue to be real. 
I don't like this path I am on. 
I did not ask for it. 
I do not like it. . . one bit. 
But, I do love the Lord. 
And the morning that Elijah met Jesus. 
I sat in my living room. 
Alone. 
My farmer and Cedric had gone to the barn. 
The girls were still sleeping. 
Their world still in tact.
The power was still out. 
There was darkness. 
And I was alone. 
I could barely breathe. 
 I did the one thing my soul is able to do. 
And that is to Praise. 
It is our first language. 
Praising the God of the Universe. 
It is what we will do when we see Him face to face. 

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

So in this time;
Alone.
I will dig deep into the Word. 
I will allow God to move. 

Are you willing to get real with God? 


Lauren Daigle
Trust in You

When you don't move the mountains I need you to move
When you don't part the waters I wish I could've walked through
When you don't give the answers as I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, 
I will trust in You!

Just Because. . .

Just because;

The sun has been shining for a few days. 

And it's warm.

Just because. . . 

I am still in awe of the beauty of this place. 

And it still takes my breath away. 

Just because. . . . 

I can. . . 

Post tons of pictures. 

Because I love pictures. 

(though my beautiful niece took this one)

Just because. . . 

These pictures remind me of God's faithfulness. 

And that sometimes. . .

I just need to Praise God. . . 

In everything. . . 

Even when it is hard. 

Even when the hurt is deep. 

 Just because. . . 

It Is In The Gentle Whisper. That He Speaks

He's cleaning out. . . his room. 

My farmer. 

Spending time in his son's room. 

Picking through the pieces of a life. 

A life interrupted. 

Abruptly. 

I am left numb. 

Head gear for Wrestling. 

His uniform. 

Still here. 

A procrastinator; like me. 

Things we need to return. 

Dry Erase markers for his white board. 

His attempt to get organized. 

His belt.

I finger the holes.

One by one. 

I don't want this to be my walk.

The burning creeps toward  my heart. 

It feels like it is too much to ask. 

Too much to live this life without my son. 

Too great a request. 

The tears spill; trickle down my cheek. 

I can't stop them. 

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

 When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I miss him. 

And no matter how hard I try. 

No matter how great our God is; the fact remains. 

It hurts. 

There is no way around the pain and the suffering. 

The walk is through the ache. 

It is in the midst of the grief that we can cry Holy, Holy. 

Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 

It is in the deep, raw places that we find rest. 

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest

He is worthy of our praise. 

He is where I put my trust. 

He, will give us the rest.

I search through the pile my farmer has brought down.

I finger each item. 

A memory. 

That's all. 

I dread looking into his room. 

I breath deep. 

I know there is purpose. 

I cling to what I know. 

Because all else fails. 

There is nothing solid in this world but the One who spoke in a gentle whisper. 

I Kings 19:11

So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD." 

And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. 

And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 

After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; 

and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it,

 he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. 

I ascend the stairs. 

I survey the room. 

It looks so good. 

Everything in it's place. 

It's a step. 

My farmer needed to spend time alone. 

Grieving is hard work. 

It is an intentional turn each day toward that which is Holy. 

To stand on ground that is firm. 

To hope in the future. 

A future held in the palm of the One who breathed life into this world. 

I can feel the gentle whisper. 

I push away all other thoughts. 

I want to listen for that whisper. 

I want to push away all other sounds and distractions. 

Push away all the lies and false messages coming through from this world. 

The gentle whisper speaks of hope and strength. 

Found only in Him.

I thank God for Elijah's life. 

The Elijah of the bible. 

The strength to step onward. 

I am thankful for the years of Wrestling and Lacrosse. 

I am grateful for hours of piano playing and drums. 

Though these remain silent; My heart sings the melodies. 

It's the part no one can take. 

There will be no more memories. 

But the gentle whisper will fill us with the strength to accomplish His will. 

Because it's all about Him. 

The cross is offensive to many, 

while bringing strength to those who believe. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

Learning How To Go With The Flow

I fear complacency. 

I fear a haughty heart in the face of a holy God. 

Obedience calls. 

But to what? 

The way is so unclear. 

The future looming. 

The days unknown. 

Weariness creeps in slowly. 

A heart pressed in on all sides. 

Reaching through to the joy. 

Yet, veiled by grief. 

Where do we go from here?

What is the calling?

The immediate rushes. 

I long for relief. 

I breathe slowly. 

Time to slow the pace. 

There is no way to the other side, but through, this journey.

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

When the searing pain threatens to consume, I lift my eyes to the heavens.

I run the promises through my mind. 

He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

He is a God who does what He said He would do. 

I step into thankfulness, because we were created to praise.
Psalm 148:5
Let them praise the name of the LORD, 
for at his command they were created

I can't know the future; and the way seems marred.
I feel like an intruder looking in.
Who is this woman?
What is her calling?
How does she keep moving?
This way is new.
A trail not yet forged.
Different from what I had expected. 
I am learning to let those expectations go.
Resting in the plan God brings forth.
Today is a new day.
I am laying it all down.
Every ache, pain, joy and sorrow.
What about you?
What about your journey?

Even In the Storm. . . There Is A Promise

The rain falls.

Heavy at times. 

Keeping rhythm on the tin roof. 

Drip. Drip. Drip. 

The beat of a drum. Constant and steady.

A sound I miss dreadfully. 

The missing heavy. 

Deep within; the longing. 

I shut my eyes to listen. 

To the sounds. 

Grief sneaks up silently.
Catches you unaware.
It is all around.

It is rent a Senior Day.
How can it be a year?
It seems like yesterday.

So funny.
So missed.
There is no way around this pain.
It hurts. 
It stinks. 
No matter how I try to shake off the pain.
We step forward.
Trusting, resting, remembering.
Breathing deep.
Knowing the far reaching love of a Savior.

Looking forward to the pictures from today's Rent a Senior.
Hoping fun and joy for all.

The rain continues to fall.
The earth eager for nourishment.
Fields aglow with the greens.
The farmer sends me a picture.

A promise. A reminder.
A covenant made.
A full rainbow.
Stretching right over this farmscape.
It can all fall away and we will still Praise the Living God.
We will cling to hope.

Psalm 43:5
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!



Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held. . . 
How it feels when the sacred is torn from life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that 
the promises was when everything fell we'd be held.

Seeing The Wonder

I walk onto the field. 

It's the first home game. 

The first time I have walked onto this field since Elijah played. 

My friend is with me. 

She who has walked with me and supported me. 

Surprisingly, a sense of peace washes over me. 

I was blessed. 

So blessed by my son. 

I loved watching his team play. 

I think back to the day Caleb brought those sticks to the house. 

I didn't even know what the sport was. 

The kids loved it. 

Lacrosse became their game.

 I smile remembering. 

I look around. 

If I don't embrace the holiness of this moment and see the wonder

 I will miss the gifts God's is longing to send. 

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; 

therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. 

For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

I allow myself to remember. 

Slowly. There is an ache, with a sense of peace; with longing. 

I look at my friend. 

She knows. 

I thank God once again for the 17 years. 

Each one so precious. 

I stand up straight and watch as Cedric's team gets ready. 

I glance around. 

It's time for another season. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

When Each Step Taken, Is On Solid Ground

Easter. A day of great joy. 

Also my birthday. Another new path forged. 

Days I didn't want to walk through. 

Yet the beat of time relentless in its march. 

(Easter 2013)

(Easter 2013)

Then, the realization that your first born is residing in Glory on this Resurrection day. Oh the joy he experiences on a continual basis. We, a people, just trying to understand with limited minds. I made it through most of the service with out crying. It's the first service since Elijah met Jesus and Gary was diagnosed with cancer, that I haven't dissolved into a weeping mess. There were 3 additional lovely ladies with us. We took up 2 pews. And I was so grateful. Even though I was minus one, I was also plus 3. God saw fit to surround me with those that I love. It is continually counting 1,000 Gifts.  Having eyes to see. Stepping onto solid ground. The service was beautiful. A trumpet descant on almost all the songs. Music soothes my soul. It reaches deep to the unseen places. To the places of searing pain. I close my eyes as we sing. . . I am so weary. My mind is filled with memories of years gone by. They come flooding forward.  The pain comes at will. Never when you expect it. It is then I shed a tear. The Hallelujah Chorus is being sung. I breathe deep. Last year Crystal went with Elijah to sing. My tear is for gratitude. I have been held. We have been carried. We will never be let go. We are fiercely sought after.

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness

Even though I don't feel it. Even though my heart cries for the one I miss; we are kept.

 I want to shake the memories. Crystal heads up to sing again this year. She is a strong young lady. She seeks the holy. Not understanding all this. But trying. Searching. 

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This has been a long week. I am left with so many questions. A Saturday to a Saturday. . . life changed in a moment. I seek to yield to the will of the Father. I echo our Lord's cry, not my will but thine.  I don't know what is expected of me. Everything still so out of sorts. So raw. So I stay with what I know. I rejoice in the resurrection. The tomb could not hold Jesus. He has conquered death. He can break the bond of sin that holds us. He can fill our longing hearts. He is able.

There are small buds on the trees.  New life. It is rising up; hope in every moment.  May you step into that hope this Easter Monday. A day of remembering in Boston. A new Marathon. Stronger people.

We are a people who "will not be shaken," 

Our feet are placed on solid ground.