What to do with this Mother's Day Thing

It's Mother's Day. 

My mom and my mother in law reside with the King of all Kings. 

And the one who made me a mom lives there too. 

And I want to cry. 

I want to scream and throw a tantrum. 

It's just not fair. 

I miss my son. 

I miss my mom. 

I miss my mother in law. 

I have much material for a pity party. 

A real "whoa is me bash."

What good is that? 

What is being accomplished?

Jesus himself had much to complain about. 

He was spit on, bruised and crucified as a common criminal. 

Yet not once did he utter anything other than, "Not my will, but thine."

That's how I want to live this life. 

"Not my will, but thine."

I don't do this life well. 

I get angry quickly. 

Slow drivers. 

Drivers who choose to not use a blinker. 

It's hard to extend grace. 

I see faults often before success. 

I am quick to speak and slow to think. 

Really.

 Just ask my farmer. 

I have an insatiable desire to be right. 

I hold tightly to things that bother me. 

Opening my hands and letting things go, are hard. 

Basically, I am a mess. 

 A mess that is loved by a Holy God. 

When Mother's Day approaches it leaves me with a choice. 

My sister in law is experiencing her first Mother's Day without her son. 

I hate that she has to endure this. 

The feeling of wanting to stomp and throw a fit is strong. 

I want to rebel against the weight. 

I don't want to celebrate this holiday. 

Once again I am struck by the use of "I". 

When did it become all about me?

When has it ever been?

The very breath of the Savior brought my bones to life. 

The same Savior called me to himself and I bowed low to the call. 

He has allowed tough things to pass through his fingers into my life. 

Who am I to accept the good but not the hard? 

 Mother's Day is not about me or my feelings. 

It is about the institution of Motherhood. 

The need for all to be mothered. 

Whether God has filled your womb or not. 

You are mother to someone. 

Every kind word you pass on. 

Each nurturing action; a gift. 

Your mother, like mine, may reside with the King of Kings.

Yet, God has provided woman after woman to fill that role for me. 

A kind word here. 

A gesture there. 

A hug. 

A card. 

A listening ear. 

Your son, or daughter, like mine, may reside also with the King of Kings. 

Deep ache. 

Heart wrenching days and moments. 

Searing pain like to other. 

Yet, I had Elijah for 17 years. 

Those years were beautiful. 

God has not for once left my side. 

Sometimes I don't feel his presence. 

It is a hard road to walk. 

His promises tell us; 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This morning the choice was made for me. 

As I woke and took that deep breath,

 that breath I take to get out of bed every morning; 

this is what I saw. 

I have 5 beautiful children still this side of heaven, 

and 2 grand babies that I adore. 

My life is blessed with many young people

 that bring me such immense joy. 

Young people that remind me of the gift and treasure I had in Elijah. 

This is where I will choose to place my heart today. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

(Photo taken July 28, 2013, the morning Elijah met Jesus.)

May you choose this day, a path of gratitude. 

Allow the Holiness of a loving God to shoulder your hurt and pain. 

Lay down all that you hold.

Bring it all to Him.

Each day. 

Let him do His work. 

I heard this song by Toby Mac. 

"I know you're prayers ain't been answered yet. 

I know your feeling like you've got nothing left. 

Well, lift your head. 

It ain't over yet. 

Move.

Keep walking."

And that's what I'm doing. 

I am looking up. 

Feet planted on solid ground. 

I am going to keep walking. 

Because it's not over yet. 

Toby Mac

Move

Every Time I See Purple. . . I Think of Her

He wore purple to the Missions Night. 
Our Youth Pastor. 
He didn't know it was the Eve of her home going. 
It made me think of her. 
She would have loved his outfit. 
She would have told him. 
So, I did. 
And today she's been gone for 3 years. 
Her smile and laughter missed by all who knew her. 
This is a repost from last year. 
It is my walk. 
The journey God has placed before me. 
I am grateful I worked through the tough season with my mom to be able to love and serve her in her last days her on this earth. 
If you have relationships that are fragmented. 
Work. 
To make them holy. 
Strive to be peace. 
I for one am grateful I did. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She Loved God, She loved purple, She was our Mom
December 5, 2014

She loved purple.

She loved God. 

She and my dad fought often during their married life. 

Good old knock down drag out fights. 

Yet loved fiercely. 

They stayed true to the institution of marriage. 

Maybe that was the secret. 

Things weren't left undone. 

For better, or worse. 

Her home was immaculate. 

She and my dad built their dream log cabin in the woods. 

They had plans to travel. 

God had other plans.

She would travel; 
but mostly only as far as Boston; to the inside of a hospital.

Cancer would be her companion for 9 years. 

She would learn to live with this unwanted roommate. 

Her life not much altered. 

Cancer would not have the last word; 

she prayed. 

She trusted. 

Even when my dad showed signs of shacking up with the memory thief. 

She never wavered. 

She just added doctors visits and chemo to her daily tasks 
and busy social calendar. 

She persevered with a fierce resolve.

Her cancer became a blessing. 

For a season of my life I was at odds with my mom. 

Our views of the world different. 

Hers, through rose colored glasses; me through concrete realism. 

Until one day, with the help of my Mother in law, I began to see that relationship in a different light. 

A changed perspective; work. 

A relationship worth fighting for. 

And I did. 

I changed. 

God blessed. 

I had the honor and privilege of caring for my mom. 

And I miss her. 

It is two years since she journeyed home to be with Jesus. 

Two years of some of the hardest moments I've ever experienced. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. 

I am reminded of her in so many ways. 

A random purple gift bag in with the Christmas ones, 

A purple Christmas tree in a shop. 

A laugh; each Christmas ornament on the tree,
 given to each of the kids, each year. 

A legacy. 

A reminder. 

This Christmas Season as we celebrate, I think about my mom. 

She made Christmas beautiful and holy. 

It was magical and reverent all at the same time. 

Even Santa bowed low to the Magnificence of a Savior born.

Her enthusiasm was contagious. 

She never met a stranger. 

She loved music; all kinds. 

And now she dwells with the Most High. 

Her pain all gone. 

She also resides with my boy. 

And I am sure there is great rejoicing in the heavenly realms. 

Mom, I am grateful for the years I was able to spend with you. 

I am glad God helped to make our relationship what it was. 

I am so thankful for your witness to our living God. 

Because I never would have been able to walk this road with out the rock solid faith you showed in every aspect of your life. 

Last year I wrote these words. And they resonate with my heart this day. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name
 above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All

Chris Tomlin

Jesus Messiah

Do You Have A Decent Source Of Water?

John 4:14

but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.

 Indeed, the water I give them 

will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Water

An integral part of our life. 

Without it; we can not survive. 

Yet there are nations that struggle. 

Clean drinking water - scarce. 

Their survival in the balance. 

Poverty a way of life. 

Needy. 

Jesus repeatedly used analogies involving  water. 

It is something we all need. 

Crave. 

Can not live without. 

Yet, He comes, this Jesus, as the Living Water. 

In a parched and dry land. 

Through life in Him, our thirst quenched.
Never will we thirst again. 

And here in this poverty stricken land of Haiti. 

Where by most standards they have nothing. 

Their joy is apparent. 

They lack much. 

Yet lack nothing. 

. 

Jesus came to change our lives. 

Not our circumstances. 

This life giving water is free. 

With it;

We will never thirst again. 

John 7:37

"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.

Marsha Stevens

Come To The Water

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by my side. 

I know you are thirsty. You won't be denied. 

I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried 

And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

Do You Know Where To Go To Find Joy?

Death, Cancer.

They have knocked on the door. 

They even moved in and resided. 

No rent paid. 

Demanding; always asking for more. 

The heaviness of loss always present. 

Always before you. 

Reminders in every corner; at every turn. 

A history. 

Part of you- 

Gone. 

Yet, deep inside there is a joy. 

A joy that can never be taken. 

It is seen in the faces of many who have experienced much
more heartache than we could ever imagine. 

It is in the faces of those that call Haiti their home. 

Joy. 

It can't be bought. 

It has to be sought. 

With all your being. 

A life walking the path surrendered to the King of Kings.
It is a matter of the heart.
Really, it all comes down to the heart.
Are you unyielding, demanding and selfish?
Our needs are so important.
So much so that we often neglect others.
Our hearts; focused inward.
And we're wasting away.
We sacrifice much, when decisions are made based on what we feel. 
Yet when you give out of your brokenness.
When you give out of nothing.
Touching down in the places where the destitute reside.
The heart.
It is changed.

What motivates you?
Where in your being do you know joy?
In letting go of all that you know, giving all your fears and hopes over to the One who breathed  into our lifeless form, there you will discover the truth.
When there is nothing.
When all you see is hopeless.
That is where the joy begins.

I Corinthians 13:4-6
 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.(emphasis mine)

The questions beg to be asked,

What do you have to give?  

Where will you go to find Joy? 

We Need To Be About The Business Of Turning. Is Your Soul Up To The Challenge? I Dare You. Day # 15 of Thankfulness

Most days I do not want to be thankful for anything. 
 I want to step into the pit that says woe is me and stay there. 
I want to let the pain over take me. 
Each day is work.
Work to surrender. 
It is a conscious effort to step toward the holy each day. 
I wake. 
I remember. 
I hand it all over.
It is the way of the morning; before my feet touch the ground. 
(even before coffee-some things need to be done without coffee)
All my thoughts, all my desires surrendered. . . an emptying.
Even before I get out of bed. 
Each day. 
Work.
Before death and before cancer, I was struggling with some issues;
parenting, financial, a cluttered messy house.  .   . to name a few. 
I felt powerless.
I was praying and praying, asking God for guidance. 

On June 21,2013
He gave me this verse as I was reading:

Psalm 119:59 
I have considered my ways and I have turned my steps to your statutes. 
I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands

I was convicted of ways I was not following through on obedience. 
It is in the act of turning, that Christ is glorified and that victory is found. 
When we turn from the behaviors that threaten to pull us under. 
We literally need to stop. 
And turn. 
From that which we know is not pleasing to God. 
After the accident and during cancer on 
October 21, 2013 God again showed me: 

2 Timothy 2:19 
Everyone who confesses the name of the 
LORD must turn away from wickedness.

We need to be about the business of Turning.
Turning our hearts to God. 

Psalm 22:27
All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, 
And all the families of the nations will worship before You.

Turning our thoughts to Praise

Psalm 150:6
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. 
Praise the LORD.

God has promised to turn our mourning into dancing. 

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; 
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 
That is one of the beautiful things about a faith journey, hand in hand with the Lord. 
He commands, yet his commands are followed by promises. 
Promises which He is faithful to uphold. 

I dare you to turn today. 

Turn from the idols that hold you in bondage. 
Turn to Christ. 
Turn from the behaviors that threaten to pull you under. 
Turn to the one who created you. 
It takes effort. 
The ruts we have created over the years are worn deep. 
But with the Lord on your side . . you have nothing to fear. 

Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 
If God is for us, who can be against us?

There is none like him. 

Chris Tomlin

Our God - If Our God Is For Us

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
a day spent with my girls
singing in the car with reckless abandon
finding my farmer son playing a game I haven't seen in just about a year
his creativity
a peaceful evening 
snow that is "sticking' around
the hope of a new day
that even when I wake with the heaviness in my heart there is a Savior I can run to
a steaming cup of coffee
a Savior that reached down made me new
the quiet hush in the morning before the farmhouse stirs
the opportunity to pray for the person/persons who are breaking into our cars
farming and the constant reminder to press on
mounds and mounds of laundry, that somehow just appears
dirty floors, which mean my house is full
this journey of thankfulness in year 2 of my grief walk