Reconstructing. Each day. How to do dinner. What the table looks like. His car in the driveway. All how to live without my son. Each day. Learning. The path. God has ordained. Not my will. But His. And so I learn. While my heart misses. I open my heart to the will of the Father.
A young teen plays Elijah's drum set at church. A young man unaware of the story.
Playing to Worship. The same God. All for His Glory. So I learn, to trust more. Rest where there is chaos. Quiet when the screams seek to find a voice. Peace given.
The tears continue to flow as I work through my thoughts.
It's fine if my farmer is ok with dying.
It's me that isn't.
And there it is.
Me.
When you walk with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
There is no room for the me.
There doesn't have to be.
He has it all.
He has gone before us.
He will go with us.
When we focus on the "me" our focus has shifted off the
One who holds the key.
The One who gives and extends grace.
The One who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
The One that traveled to Calvary that we might have life.
He bore all so we didn't have to.
This same God offers us His promise.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I tell my farmer I can't do this again.
I can't watch him go through chemo.
I can't.
I don't have it in me.
How will we survive?
It is not until the evening.
When the farmhouse sighs in the quiet that I hear the sound of my Savior.
I have this, He says.
No.
You can not do this.
You have no more to give.
No more strength.
It is now that I will be glorified.
No matter what happens.
I sense the very presence of the Almighty.
We are here on this earth to bring glory and honor to the One
who breathed breath into our beings.
Our purpose to bring about His Kingdom.
I do not know the future.
I only know this moment.
And I am going to make it count.
I'm going to breathe in the glory of the moment.
I'm placing my eyes heavenward.
No matter how this journey plays out I am going to trust.
One of my readings in the Ancient Word has been through Exodus.
God is asking Moses to go to his people.
To bring a message that makes them uneasy.
He is asking them to leave a place where they are familiar.
He asks them to go to the unknown.
God was working a plan.
Moses nor the Israelite's could see that plan.
They needed to be open and willing to be obedient.
They were being asked to trust.
To leave a place that was home to travel to a place unknown.
Are we willing to trust God
to take us places we might not be familiar with?
My farmer and I are on a journey that is not familiar.
We are being asked to be obedient.
We are being asked to trust.
I am holding tightly to the Promises set before the world began.
The hope that rests in the Father's way.
He has the plan.
He is good.
I may not like the plan.
I don't have to.
He will still do the work He has planned.
Through it all He will be glorified.
I am willing to take the journey.
I am willing to see what He has in store.
I will trust.
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Lauren Daigle
I Will Trust In You
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings There’s not a day ahead You have not seen So, in all things be my life and breath I want what You want Lord and nothing less
Those are hard things. This world throws things into our pathway.
At each turn; we choose. We can step into grace. Seeking wisdom in the walk. Trusting in a plan held by a Divine Creator. Or we can let this world drag us down. Bitterness and anger seep in. I started down that path. Justifying my behavior. Condoning my feelings with self gratifying words. "I" this and "I" that. The door closed. And I wasn't prepared. Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.
All my planning and trusting led to another closed door.
I am not sure where God is leading.
But I trust the direction.
I trust that God is establishing our steps.
So, I will continue to wait.
Waiting takes work.
Seeking, trusting, waiting.
In an impulsive and immediate gratification society these words slam against the culture.
I don't want to take a step out of His will.
I will wait.
I will listen for the still quiet voice.
The voice that soothes this aching heart.
The voice that will bring about His plan, in His timing.
I will wait.
Seeking, trusting, and waiting. Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Alone. That's how I find myself this week. Plans to spend time with the youngest. Changed. And now. Alone. At first. I do not know how to react. Alone. In a room. A clean room. 2 beds. Meals prepared. Solid biblical preaching. All alone. My own schedule. Clean towels everyday. Coffee. Everywhere. In the room. In the lobby. In the dining hall. Alone. I don't do alone. I find someone to accompany me to the store. I fight off the panic that threatens. It is then that I hear the small voice. Commune with me. How I have longed for more time to dig deep. To study the word. Commune with me. I don't know if I can. This God that I want to know intimately, allowed my son to be taken. He allowed my husband to have cancer. He has allowed our finances to be stretched. In short amounts of time he allowed my Aunt, my parents best friend and my mom to journey home. He allowed my parents dog and our puppy to die premature deaths. He has allowed my dad to date the memory thief. He is also the same God who allowed a beautiful grand daughter to be born.
Commune with me, he says. I love Him and I will serve him. Yet spend alone time with him?
In the quiet? I don't know if I can. I am raw. I am vulnerable.
Typically I recharge by being with people. But I don't have that energy any more. I open my mind to the possibilities. Richard Blackaby says, "Unless you make an adjustment. .. you're not going anywhere."
And I cry out to God. Hasn't an adjustment already been made? An adjustment I didn't ask for or ever desire?
Richard Blackaby continues his talk. He talks about his Father, Henry. One of the most influential men of our time. A man devoted to the word of God. A man so knowledgeable. He shares how his dad still longs to grow. To know more of God. To dig deeper. He challenges us to continue to be hungry for God. To find out what is holding us back? We are the ones who are limiting what God can do in our lives. What am I doing in my life that would require a miracle? I don't know where God will take me this week. Commune with me. I know that spending time, alone, with Him, is a starting place.
I am embracing this gift of this week. I am willing to face everything, boldly. I am sure I may not like all that will transpire. But I am going to continue to be real. I don't like this path I am on. I did not ask for it. I do not like it. . . one bit. But, I do love the Lord. And the morning that Elijah met Jesus. I sat in my living room. Alone. My farmer and Cedric had gone to the barn. The girls were still sleeping. Their world still in tact. The power was still out. There was darkness. And I was alone. I could barely breathe. I did the one thing my soul is able to do. And that is to Praise. It is our first language. Praising the God of the Universe. It is what we will do when we see Him face to face. Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. So in this time; Alone. I will dig deep into the Word. I will allow God to move. Are you willing to get real with God? Lauren Daigle Trust in You When you don't move the mountains I need you to move When you don't part the waters I wish I could've walked through When you don't give the answers as I cry out to you I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
We are reminded there are still many lessons to learn on this journey.
While my heart retracts from more hard lessons. I know it is for the good. We are being molded and shaped. Our purpose is for His glory. Our steps are to bring honor to His name and further His kingdom. We are light in a hurting world. Even in the struggle there is hope. I don't know what God has planned for this daughter of mine. I know I love her fiercely and God loves her more. I know that I can't step into fear. I know that God holds all this in the palm of his hand. So, I need to place this young lady in the palm of God's hand. The same God who holds my son. This is not easy. When plans do not go according to what you expect. But, There is a plan. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you. . .. God is in the plan. In time, he will reveal his plan. We just need to trust. Are you able to trust?
