The Anchor Holds

The day dawned. 

I stood on the porch; not wanting to be awake. 

Odd for me.

The sun rose to meet me. 

Much like a year ago. 

The same sky. 

The same God.

The world just a little older. 

The vastness of the Universe running through my mind. 

How Great is our God. 

Sing with me how great is our God. 

(Chris Tomlin How Great is our God

It's not because of what He's done, but because of who He is. 

I can not fathom the why. 

I need to live in the, "what now".

There is a life time of living still to be done. 

Though its step are painful and the ache deep. 

I stood on that porch; redone since that last year. 

Not needing to dodge the precarious soft boards. 

No threat of falling through. 

A gift given. 

The beat of the day off a bit. 

I head to a friends to let the girls swim. 

Their laughter echoed in that place. 

Beautiful. 

Reminding me of hope. 

Pressing me on. 

Later  family gathered around the table.

The rains came.

We were cozy inside.  

There was laughter and smiles. 

His friends came later. 

There was laughter. 

They sat and visited. 

Catching up on the year. 

They've been in college. 

They wanted to light lanterns. 

It was raining. 

A change in plans.

It all felt comfortable. 

My soul at peace. 

My heart longs for success for each one. 

Much joy. 

Deep faith. 

Hebrews 16:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

The anchor holds. 

As the storm continues to rage we will stay strong. 

We are reaching for hope. 

Our souls are at peace. 

We are battered and weary. 

But the Anchor holds. 

As you are tossed about this sea of life,

 May you know the security of the Anchor holding fast. 

We Yield, He Works, We Rest

Do you stumble out of bed? 

Is there a longing to pull the sheets over your head and wish the day would go away? 

I do. 

The desire to sink into quiet, no schedules, sleep past 5:30, rise to greet me. 

I always feel the need to be moving. 

I have to be accomplishing something. 

Yet somehow I feel as if nothing is ever done. 

I am just treading water. 

I stare into the fog this morning wanting to roll over and just shut it all out. 

I don't want to feel, or work through the day. 

I have an early morning meeting, the kids school to do, laundry, book work, a never ending list. 

We need to be in town for a port-flush for Gary and then back out to get ready for a cello recital. 

There is hay down.

Everyone wants to head in a different direction. 

Once, I excelled at these varying schedules. 

They energized me. 

Now they drag me down. 

My soul longs for quiet; peace. 

I realize a little too late; I have stepped off that gentle walk with God. 

The walk that allows you to step quietly while all rages around you. 

No matter the schedule, the chaos, the laundry, the bills. 

The walk sweet and soft. 

So, I am re-grouping a little this morning. 

It's a busy weekend. 

A strategy change. 

I will step into that gentle walk with God. 

Where all can rage, but the center will be peace. 

He has ordered these days. 

They are beautiful. 

It is He, that does the work in us. 

We yield. 

He works. 

We rest. 

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

A Recipe To Lighten Anyone's Load

They ask me to please let them go.   

I know I am in for a day of it if I say yes. 

And I know the memories will be lost forever if I say no. 

My little princess girls want to help their daddy in the wee hours.

When the darkness is the deepest. 

And the Joy Thief can be relentless. 

When the mundane is elevated. 

But the farmer isn't himself and that which was once fun for him; now produces anxiety. 

Once there was joy when the kids wanted to get up to milk. 

An adventure; counting stars. 

Sometimes the Northern Lights. 

It was one of the gifts Elijah would often share of the starlit walks to 

the barn with his earthly father. 

Oh how he was just beginning to see the wisdom in the life we lead. 

Now, it produces angst and I balk at letting them go. 

In the end I say yes. 

My farmer assures me it will be ok. 

I know he is trying. 

They understand the need to be very responsible. 

They gather their barn gear before they go to bed.

They want to be all ready. 

They will perfect the stealth their father possesses to scare me out of my skin.

In the early hours, I don't hear them go. Stealth lesson complete.  

They come home sleepy and hungry. 

It is the farming way. 

They have worked hard. 

I make them hot chocolate and breakfast while they take showers. 

The farmer comes in and I want to know how it went. 

He says it wasn't bad. 

He tried to relax and enjoy. 

He chose the moment. 

No more. No less. 

It is all God asks. 

Be in the moment. 

Seek Him. 

How this joy thief needs to go. 

  I don't want to miss the days that we have left. 

The burden of each day weighted down. 

I finish feeding the girls. 

We get ready to start school. 

I breathe deep. 

These 2 girls are a gift.

They were not part of "my plan".

They are the balm to the wound. 

A reason to get up in the morning. 

Their giggles like a million bells peeling together. 

They bring us all great joy. 

We count our gifts. 

Each gift a lesson during these trying days. 

So much to be grateful for. 

Pushing through the pain and heartache to find the good. 

To seek the holy. 

Psalm 105:3

Glory in his holy name;

 let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

When You're Behind Before The Day Has Even Started

The dishwasher hums because I forgot to start it last night. 

The washing machine whirls because for some reason it stopped full of water. 

Sometimes our water pressure isn't strong enough and it will stop mid cycle. 

So I start the dishwasher, get the washing machine going. 

And I already feel behind. 

There is laundry and a bag to fill.

There is quiet to find and bills to pay; children to teach, a farmer to love. 

We all have the pull of the urgent. 

The feeling of being behind. 

We are defeated before we even start.

Steven Curtis Chapman's song comes to mind. 

Do everything you do, to the glory of the One who made you. 

I Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you 

do, do it all for the glory of God.

He's a genius for writing that song. He gets it.

Intentional living before the throne of God. 

Everything you do today is Holy. Every act. Every choice. 

It is all for His glory. 

Stop. Breathe. Let it all go. 

Give it all to the One for whom we live. 

Every e-mail you send, paper you write,

 diaper you change, business deal you seal. . . it's all for Him. 

I am choosing joy. Every piece of laundry I fold I will give Him glory. 

I will rejoice. 

Psalm 118:24

This is the day the LORD has made. 

We will rejoice and be glad in it

Look for ways to steal back the joy that has slipped away. Stand. On the solid ground. 

The ground that even when it shakes violently, you are able to remain standing. 

I will choose joy.

I will face the enemy with the Ancient Word. 

This day will be about searching for the joy where it is often not found. 

Seeking for holy in the work that feels the least holy. 

Yielding to the flow of the day; but not bowing to the pressure. 

As my dad used to say, 

"Chin up, shoulders straight, fly right"

Everything we do today will be for the Glory of the One who made us. 

Falling In Love With My Farmer

About 23 years ago I fell in love with my farmer. His banjo playing, quiet ways, love for God and deep voice, was enough to make this city girl take a look at all she had thought would make her soul sing.The glitz and glam, nice cars, dinners out, fancy diamond studded jewelry (just kidding -but my birthstone is a diamond -lucky me) soon faded to what was real and what really mattered in

this world. A look deep into God's word and the Truth that rests there is what makes a girl really want to take notice. Wedding bells gave way to the rhythm of farming and teaching. The loss of our first child cemented our love and brought us to the edge of trusting. As each child was born, dating became creative and hospital visits were treasured memories. Time together was precious and took on a different meaning. Graduation and college with Chelsea and the change in the family structure further drew us together as I struggled to watch her go. We settled into a routine, often putting the kids needs before our own.When God allowed the unimaginable to happen we clung to the promises we knew. We stepped out on solid ground into grace. As we stood at the grave of our son, I held my farmers hand. That ginormous, rock solid hand. The hand that has loved me and loved our children. The hand that has milked cows, brought sustenance and life to the farm. We held hands that day and everyday since. We held hands when "in sickness" took on a different meaning. He looked into my eyes and I knew the diagnosis was cancer. We held hands and we knew even though it was 3 months into grieving our son; we would step out onto solid ground into grace.

And so we have treasured our vows, to have and hold. 

 And as depression threatens to steal his joy 

and I reel with the enormity of all that needs to be done.

 I hold his hand.

 I step onto solid ground and into grace. 

Psalm 26:12

My feet stand on level ground; in the great congregation I will praise the LORD.

This is one of the songs my farmer played that my heart surrendered and knew true earthly love.

I love this arrangement. 

An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest

It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. 

As I opened my eyes the weight descended. 

The life without Elijah.

Missing his presence in our lives. 

These days will come. 

The missing overpowering. 

The weight of the days necessity looming. 

I will not give in. 

Gary speaks of depression.

It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road.

A depression brought on by Elijah's birth 

and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. 

Now brought on by Elijah's death and a walk with cancer. 

A time so uncertain. 

A topic rarely discussed. 

We will head to the doctor. 

We will pray. 

And I wonder what is it all for? 

All this pain. All this heartache. 

I struggle to keep my feet plated.  

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

My hope is only in the Lord. 

There is no other way. 

He is the lifter of my head. 

He is the solid ground on which I stand. 

He will raise me up and plant my feet on the ground he has prepared for me to walk. 

I will humbly submit to all that will come before us. 

 I will choose to seek joy. 

I will choose to step into the grace offered for this day. 

This path is not lined with an easy step. 

It is coarse and steep. 

Though I may not be able to see the path before me, I know each step is on solid ground. 

I am weary and another added burden seems outrageous to me. 

Yet, I am not calling the shots. 

I surrendered that right years ago. 

I walk by faith. 

Not by sight. 

II Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

So today while the dark looms at my door, I will search for the blessings. 

I will turn those blessings back to praise. 

And the God of the Universe will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. 

He will carry me through another journey. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will never let go. 

Ever. 

How is your journey today? Can you lay it all down and surrender. 

Can joy become your companion amidst the darkness of your walk? 

I pray this can be. 

"Remind of who I am to you,

Remind of who I am. . .

If I am your beloved help me remember

Tell me again lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you"

A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take

I stand still in the kitchen. 

I have cried out to God most of the day. 

I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. 

My soul is unsettled and I long for peace.

So I stand.

In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. 

Meals continue to come.

I have little to offer. 

My soul weary from the battle. 

So I stand. 

It is quiet. 

I breathe deep. 

I sense the presence of God. 

The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. 

For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. 

I stand for a moment on Holy Ground. 

It has been 6 months. 

6 months since our red headed boy was torn from us.
Since I have seen his blue eyes, heard him call me mom;
since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
6 months of leaning into a life I don't like.

6 months of walking by faith alone. 

The journey has not been easy. 

Many transitions, diagnosis of cancer, continued financial strain and dark, cold days. 

The song lyrics, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. . .runs through my head.
Because I am only as strong as I am weak.
6 months of breathing in deep the crushing pain; the missing.
The necessity of stepping forward each moment to get to hospital appointments, to attempt to get the other parts of necessary completed.
6 months of learning my absolute dependence on God.
There is no other way.
6 months of realizing there is no more future for one.
But there is hope and there is grace for those left behind.

6 months is a long time.
And thinking of longer is brutal and stabs the heart.
But in God's timing it is but a breath.
So we will continue to walk one step a time.
I don't want a future with out my son. 
But I want a future walking God's way, more. 
I don't want a future with out my farmer.
I want a future completely dependent on God. 
I don't want to leave God's presence. Not for a moment.
I am held. He is there.
Even when it falls apart. Even when I feel alone.
And as I continue to stand.
I will breathe in deep.
I will rest, in His unfailing love. 

Draw me close to you Lord. 
Never let me go
I'll lay it all down again
To hear you say that I am your friend
You are my desire,
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
Oh help me find a way. . . .
You're all I want. . .You're all I've ever needed. 

We Press On, In Jesus Name

It's the moment just before I wake.

 Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down. 

The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. 

It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. 

My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. 

How can I? 

When all I have known is changed.

 All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. 

The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. 

A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. 

It is wrong. 

It is hard.

It hurts.

It's unfair.

And I wish it could be different. 

It is in those moments, just before I wake,  that I choose with everything in me, to pray.

I stop any thought that enters. 

And I think only on the precious Name of our father. 

Psalm 30:4

Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.

I can't think much beyond that. 

I have grace only for the moment. 

It is in those moments that I step into the day. 

I don't know what it will hold. 

Some days I fear that. 

Each moment Clarissa heads out the door, I wonder if it will be my last with her?

Elijah walked out that door. And never came home. 

Each day the toxins pour into my farmers veins I wonder if this will work? 

Will these toxic cocktails and radiation do their thing? 

Will the farm stay stable through these rough and muddy waters. Everywhere I turn there is turmoil.

 My dad lives with memory thief storming his doors. 

I miss my mom. I long to talk with her. To share these burdens.

All this is too heavy to bear. 

I do not walk the road alone. There are those around us that have joined the walk. They are praying or have brought a meal. They watch our kids; send encouraging cards or notes. 

I do not walk the road alone.

The LORD walks beside me each step of this twisting and winding road.
Even better, He has gone before us. I don't understand all of his ways. 

But what I do understand is the peace that is offered. The promise of eternal life. 

There is hope. There is grace for the journey. 

In those moments just before I open my eyes, I step into the journey that God has for me. 

I will stand on those promises and be faithful to the end. 

My heart breaks. I miss Elijah with everything in me. It permeates every cell of my being. 

Every breath I take and move I make, longs for his presence. 

The pain sharp and piercing. 

As time passes it seems more so. There is a guttural cry that longs to have voice. 

A desire to turn back time to what it was. 

To what was before. 

Since the journey doesn't work that way we press on. 

We press on in Jesus' Name. 

We press on seeking the grace in which to live. 

Philippians 3:14

We press on toward the goal to win the prize for which

 God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

These were Elijah's own words, just a few weeks before his work here ended. 

He emphasized our need to press on. 

And so we will.

We will seek repentance. 

We will press on to what God has in store. 

We will press on to seek peace and joy. 

We will press on, until our journey is finished and we are called home. 

In Jesus Name we Press On. 

Do You Ever Wonder What We Are Doing Here?

Do you wonder sometimes what it all means?

I sometimes wonder. 

What are we doing here?

What is my purpose. 

All this pain and uncertainty.

What do I do with it?

What is the purpose for each of these weary steps. 

Yet, I am amazed at the lessons learned and the things for which I am thankful. 

My farmer's side effects have been minimal. 

It is early still and someone reminded us that it is all cumulative.

Still, it has been minimal.

Today.

We are half way through the treatments. 

Maybe not half way through the side effects, but half way through every day trips to the hospital.

Half way through the mounting bills. 

We have friends, strangers, family who continue to encourage us daily. 

We are reminded moment by moment that we are not alone. 

This journey is to be lived day by day. 

Each day has worries of it's own. 

Tomorrow's are not mine. 

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are not left with the trouble. God has come to bring us peace. 

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.

 In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

The  peace is only when we cling to the promises He has given to us. 

When we trust daily. 

Each day has choices. 

How will you choose to live your life? 

Will it be in bitter silence, carrying the heavy burdens? 

Or will you live surrendered to the One who called you into being. 

Will you live victoriously through the shed blood?

Knowing that He who began a good work in you will continue it until you are complete. 

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you

 will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

God. 

You are good. No matter how it shatters around me. You are good. 

No matter how my heart breaks; you are good. 

With all that I am and every breath I take, I will still say you are good. 

Pressing On Through; God Will Make A Way

Before I had even finished writing my last post,
I received word that Cheslea's Grandmother had died on New Year's Eve. 

She was at a party. 

Just fine. 

And had a heart attack; Just like that.

In a year when we have experienced so much heart ache. This feels like too much. 

What do you do when you feel like at every corner you're knocked down? 

When life is relentless in it's burden. 

How do you live when all is heavy and weighted down?

There is no option for surrender.
The only option is to press on.
Press on towards that goal.

Take a moment to listen to this again.
He speaks to the goal we press on towards. Literally weeks before he was called home.
Press on. . .all you who are weary.
I miss his voice, I long for him to be with us.
Yet, I treasure this gift.

Phillipians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has 
called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

But it's not drudgery. There is meaning and purpose. There is joy for the journey. Taking raw pain and finding a place for it to dwell is hard work. It is a daily task. A daily step to choose to give thanks and praise. To shake off the bitterness that threatens to engulf. To step forward into joy when your heart is breaking in a million pieces. 

This was my post last New Year's Day. 

Just one year ago.

 And though I still am not making a list or making resolutions. 

The cry of my heart is still the same. 

Wasn't much into celebrating last night. Went to bed early. Woke up to the 2 little girls sound asleep on the couch! I wonder if they made it to midnight! Happy New Year everyone! I am not a list or a resolution girl. . .but I do want to honor God this year. I don't want this life to be about me. I want to serve others. While taking care of my mom, I experienced such a wonderful gift. Caring for your mother is a heartbreaking joy. . . a deep down joy that no one can touch. So here is to a year NOT about doing what's right for me. . . or putting myself first. Here is to a year where I surrender and let God lead my steps. . . Because even in the hard times . . .with God is better than on my own. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. . . 

"Because even in the hard times. . .with God, is better than on my own".

This past year has been so hard. Frankly, it still is hard. Each breath that I take, each action I perform is surrendered to the will of God because I don't know how to walk this road. 
So again, I cling to what I do know. 

Much of my day requires moment by moment clinging to what I know.
And what I know is; God is good. . .God is sovereign, and God knows. . .
 He knows my pain. Sometimes that does not give me peace. And that is where my faith meets the truth. If I claim to know God; then I will claim to know and trust him in the agony.

We said Good Bye to cousins and came home to a quiet house. 

For a moment, just a moment, this awful sadness began to permeate.
 But  friends stopped over and it was a nice distraction.  I then stepped into all that needs to be done. 
I wasn't as nice as I could have been, I was tired, but it was a start. 
That's all we need to do- is start, take a step.
God will take care of the rest.

 God will make a way
When there seems to be no way.
Forever He is faithful
He will make a road
When you bear a heavy load