Enter In

Enter in. 

Enter into His gates with Thanksgiving in your heart. 

Enter in. 

In. 

"used to indicate location or position within something"

A location. 

Enter in. 

The door is open. 

You need to walk through. 

Not when you're happy. 

Not when things are going swell. 

That's not what it says. 

Enter in.

Just as you are. 

When you're hurting. 

When life is overwhelming. 

When your weary soul aches with breathing in and out. 

Enter in. 

My heart hurts. 

The burning sensation returned. 

All the dreams and hopes; all these years. 

Gone. 

In a moment. 

Enter in. 

An invitation. 

Enter into His courts with Praise. 

Freely. 

Enter in with Thanksgiving in your heart. 

But I don't feel like it. 

Enter in. 

Psalm 100:4

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; 

give thanks to him and praise his name.

The Praise comes. 

The Thanksgiving overflows. 

The way familiar. 

Enter in. 

It only takes one step. 

I Am Thankful For;

The glorious back light on the mountain tonight. 

The sound of the kids outside giggling and laughing.

Chicks, (Not really, but yes, really)

I have ears to hear the chicks. 

Resources to purchase and help the chicks to grow. 

My farmer. 

Lessons I am learning in the deep struggle.

Enter in. 

He's Said It Twice. I Need To Pay Attention

I've heard it twice. Each time a little different. But I heard it. And when God says something twice you need to stand up and take notice. The first time I heard it. It brought me to my knees. The conviction great. The torment real. The wrestling match begun.

The people of Egypt were willing to go back to the land of slavery: the very land that bound them. Back to the people that enslaved them and treated them cruelly. Rather than head into a new land, the promised land,  with God. 

It struck me. Am I willing to go into this new journey, unknown to me. . . with God; without Elijah?

Or do I want to go back and have Elijah with me?

These are questions that demand an answer. It will take time. Because in my flesh, I want Elijah back. I long to be with him. He's my son.

I find it again in a book I am reading. "Moses preferred to go nowhere with God than anywhere without him." (You'll Get Through This by Max Lacado.)

He's said it twice. In two different ways. I need to take notice. I know I prefer to go nowhere with God than anywhere without him.

If I am not going with God. Then I don't want to go anywhere. Where He is. I will be.

If that means without my son. Then I need to step forward in that. It doesn't say I have to like it. It doesn't say that I won't grieve with every fiber of my being. Because we are human. And grieving is hard work. Grieving your son, your flesh and blood. . . whom you carried for nine months. . . and now, torn from you is agonizing. It's twisted and hard to sort through. It leaves me raw, tired and spent.

 I need to trust. I  need to look forward to the future God has planned here.

Psalm 48:14

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Do you want to go nowhere with God, than anywhere without  him?

The Let Down From Our Desire vs Reality

I walk by his room.

 I lean into the doorway. 

It's a habit now.

 I breathe in deep.

 I softly call his name.

 I just want to hear it. 

I long for him to be bustling around late for something. 

He was always late.

Couldn't find what he needed. So much like me. 

So many days it's the same endless feelings. 

Desire vs. Reality.  

Skinny vs Plus size. 

Clean house vs Messy.

The desire to have studied more; the reality of failing.

 On and on it goes. 

We can run scenario after scenario of situations where we 

feel defeated or let down from our desire verses reality.

We become discouraged and hurt as the reality beats us down.  

I long for my son to return. But that is not going to be. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God knows the plans He has for us. 

He knows.

They are not our plans. 

Trust me. 

His plans may not be plans we necessary like or enjoy at the time. 

But, they are His plans. 

He knows the outcome. 

And I would rather walk each day on this heart wrenching journey in his plan than any other way. 

As we pray and surrender each day to God's mercies and grace;

He will lead us. 

Even through the painful, heartache filled moments. 

He is there. He will lead us. 

As we draw near to him, His desires become our reality. 

His strength; our strength.

James 4:8

Come near to God and he will come near to you

As we draw near to Him our focus shifts from the me driven thought, to the Holy. 

We are changed.

He's got this. God's got it all in His hands. 

We can't take the good without the bad. 

We can't receive the good God offers without the troubled part in the journey. 

This is not our home. 

But we are here; for a time. 

And this is your time. 

Your time to be God's hands and feet.

You're here at this moment for a purpose.

 Seek that purpose with all you have. 

As I step into each new day, each day that leads me further from the accident, 

further from my son here on this earth, 

I challenge you to step into the day too. 

Embrace the journey God sets before you. 

I think Kid President says it best. 

Some days you'll get ice cream; and some days you won't.

Some days your kite will fly high; some days it will get stuck in the tree.

Just treat everybody like it's their birthday. 

What a thought. Be God's hands and feet. 

We can't change the circumstances of our life. 

But we can change how we look at them. 

Fear. . .Slowly Strangles Trust

There are days I just want to make it all go away. 

I just want off this life I am living. 

The path is hard and unforgiving. 

The weight crushing at times. 

I long to shake this skin. 

I long to not ache.

I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. 
I should be jumping for joy. 
But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. 
His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation.
 His sleep disturbed each night.
I reach out and cling to this verse.

 Isaiah 41:10 
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I have recited these Ancient Words repeatedly since the night of the accident; since the diagnosis of cancer. Fear is a sneaky emotion. It creeps in when you least expect it.
 It slowly strangles trust.
 It leaves you breathless, cold and alone.
 I know. I hang in the balance of fear and trust. 
A journey never difficult for me. Trust has been my guide. Faith my map.
These days the way is slightly marred. 
My heart longs for that which it can not have. My soul knows the way.
And the battle rages.
To trust is to step into the fear; to conquer the journey.
God has equipped us for this journey.
A journey straight through the searing pain and heartache.
He will be there through the journey. He will fight for me.
God always does what He says He will do. 
Always.

 Exodus 14:14
 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

God has our back. He's fighting for you and me. He knows the struggle. He sees the pain.

 He sees the whole picture. Our job is to trust. And be still. 

"In every change. . . He faithful will remain."

Sometimes We Just Need A Time Out

I have only been home for about an hour and I can start to feel it. 

The counters are a mess.
There is laundry everywhere.

Food needs to be put away; the dish drainer emptied.
The kids have left their backpacks on the bench and violins and costumes
for the upcoming performance.

 I have been at the hospital all day and coming home to a mess and
uncooperative kids is. . .well, it's just normal.
They are kids.
They've been in school all day and then came home; and they are on vacation and the last thing they are thinking about are the messes.
And that's good. 
They should be thinking about endless days of fun; vacation.
They are not fighting. They are safe.
Elijah's pictures stare back at me and the weight of everything presses down.
I pull off my gloves; I have been washing dishes.
I head into the parlor for a time out.
I need a few moments.
I head right to the only place that sets my heart right.
The only place that will give me peace and turn my wayward thinking around;
to the Christmas Tree. 

No, I head to the Word.
The life giving Word.
But staring at the tree brings me great peace.
I love to sit and stare at things.
My husband used to worry.
Not so much anymore.
He's happy when I am quiet.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 
and I will give you rest.

So much of this journey in life involves surrendering. 

It is an act of the will to lay down your burdens and give them over to the 

One who longs to carry them for us; and fill us with His Peace. 

 He may not take them away;

but he has promised to walk with us, every step of the weary way. 

Deutoronomy 31:6-8

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the Lord your God goes with you;

 he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

We have finished Day #2 of radiation and Day #1 of chemo.
He has had his Christmas cocktail and his Christmas glow.

For the time the nausea is at bay.
So much of this reminds me of my mom.
The reminding to drink water; seeking if there is a need.
It leaves you feeling helpless while they pump in toxic cocktails
that somehow prolong your life.
My farmer heads to the barn with Cedric.
 It is icy out and the cows are the first priority.

They need a safe place. We do not want any owies this evening.
So he shreds a bale in the pack barn to make the area more palatable.
It is imperative that we continue to ship quality milk and keep the cows healthy and safe.
There is much to be done.Yet it is a good distraction.
It is a focus.
And my farmer warms my heart. He is such a trooper.

Gary joins me on the couch when he comes in. I am watching "It's A Wonderful Life."
But I can't stay awake. The length of the day catches up with me. I head into bed.
Day #1 of Chemo is over.
Only 5 more to go.
I close my eyes and thank God for all the blessings of this day.
I just wish it was snowing instead of being icy. 
So I'll dream about Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart.

I Want To Finish Well. . .Day #15 of Thankfulness

I stand at his grave. 

The tears don't come.
In some ways it is hard to feel.
I just miss him.
So much. 

I bend down and touch the flowers.

They were placed on the birthday of the Marines. 

Left by those that miss him too.

Why is it that we want what we can not have?

Why does our soul long for things out of reach?

We are restless. 

A people still wandering in the desert; the promised land within reach. 

Obedience is too difficult. 

Surrender, foreign to our me centered lives.

Philippians 1:21
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

This was Paul's Mantra.
It is what he desired beyond all things.
To finish well.
He considered death victory.

I want to finish well.
I want to seek God's face through out these difficult trials.
I want peace for my weary soul.
The only place is centered in God's will and on His word.

So, I will not fear, I will be strong in the LORD.

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.


“Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them.” 
― Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

Day #15 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for:
Visits with friends and their baby
Those who come to the door with flowers for Ana for her performance in the play
Dinner brought to the door with love and a time of fellowship
A sunny day and lawn furniture put away
Spoofing on a Health Curriculum with my daughter
Giggles from the same daughter over texting with a wonderful mentor
The kids coming home after being gone for most of the day
waking up and NOT feeling anxious for the first time in almost 17 weeks
My farmer who never complains, continues to push through with hope, always hope
A new mop
(yes I am thankful for something that has to do with cleaning)
The lessons I am learning, even in this very unsettling time
For walks that push me forward each day


Sometimes it feel like I am breathing
But am I alive?
All I know is I'm not home yet, This is not where I belong. . .
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong