Saying, "Yes", When You Want to Scream, "No"

Elijah. 

They say his name. 

Cleaning out a closet they find something that was his. 

Elijah. 

I just want to hear his name called. 

I miss saying it. 

You see when your son is taken. 

Things change. 

So when they mention his name. 

My heart skips a beat. 

17 years of memories. 

His future just beginning. 

Hope. 

I long for that which I can not have. 

We're going to the drive in. 

A place I have avoided. 

A place I have tried to find excuses not to go. 

So far. 

It's worked. 

This time. 

There was no easy way to say no. 

My friend asked if we wanted to go. 

Our families. 

Together. 

Feeling brave. 

I said, "yes".

Later my friend, so sensitive,

 recognized that this might be hard. 

I told her it was ok. 

It is ok to journey to the the last place my son went. 

The drive in.

The night he never came home. 

He couldn't find his debit card. 

I raided our "laundry money". 

He was so excited. 

His girl friend was home. 

He hadn't seen her in weeks. 

July 27. 

He went. 

Never to return. 

His bed empty. 

A heart ache that never ends. 

My life forever changed. 

Here I am. 

Almost 3 years later. 

He is not here. 

He resides with the King of All Kings. 

And I miss him. 

I get tired of the missing. 

I get tired of wanting our family to be whole. 

In so many ways the LORD has reached down and soothed that ache. 

He has allowed me much grace to walk this road. 

He has never left our side. 

His presence felt when the way is hard. 

 Yet this I fight against. 

The driven in. 

I don't want to do this. 

This is a place I do not want to go. 

Isn't that the way? 

We fight what we need to go through. 

The pain of growing. 

Becoming more like him. 

That's all I've ever wanted. 

Was to be like Him. 

A heart that yields. 

A life well lived. 

So, I will go. 

I will do yet another hard thing. 

This missing is hard work. 

Because you spend your time trying not to miss. 

Trying to be whole. 

Oh how sweet the LORD is as he reaches down and comforts us. 

When we do the hard thing,

 God shows up in ways we could not imagine. 

He offers grace. 

We made new memories at the drive in. 

Ones I will cherish forever. 

Grab hold of the journey God has placed you on. 

He will guide your steps. 

He's never promised it would be easy. 

But he has promised to travel with you. 

Don't be afraid of the hard things. 

Stop putting off what needs to be done. 

He will carry you when you can't go further. 

He will hold you like no other. 

You are held. 

He will reach the deepest parts and fill them with His Holy Spirit. 

Standing on those promises today. 

And a lot of coffee. 

Because going to the drive in means a late night.

Won't you join me? 

Standing on those promises? 

Exodus 14:14

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Natalie Grant

Held

"Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

"That the promise was, when everything fell,

We'd be held..."

His Room is Still Empty. . .And So Is The Tomb

His room is still empty. 

I climb to the top of the stairs. 

It has become cluttered again. . . 

with stuff. 

Stuff that isn't his. 

Extra baggage that doesn't belong there. 

Our new adventure has consumed much energy. 

Each time a list complete. . . another, just as long, emerges. 

Details begat more details. 

Things we hadn't noticed before, began to come to light. 

We were taking the time to examine. 

My quiet time has been filled with me talking. 

Me requesting. 

Pushing off time in the Ancient Word. 

Spending time instead on forms and taxes and legal requirements. 

Those quiet moments with God being pushed aside. 

So subtly I didn't even notice. 

Those things are important. 

Vitally important. 

So is the time we spend with God. 

As we draw closer he refines us. 

Purifies us. 

Changes us. 

He exposes the areas in need of change. 

He walks with us. 

He nourishes us. 

He loves us enough to not leave us where we are;

 but to remove our dross. 

And make us more into His likeness. 

I Corinthians 13:12

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And as I climb those stairs. . . I think on these things. 

His room will remain empty of him. . . but cluttered with stuff, 

until I choose to go and enter in. 

Enter in to the pain and memories. 

Enter in to the joy and thrill of parenting. 

Remembering the beautiful. 

God is at work. 

He never slumber nor sleeps. 

Psalm 121:4

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

Though my heart aches and I struggle to define priorities. 

God has not left my side. 

He never said this road would be easy. 

He has always said that he would be there. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Our journey is not finished. 

This is not our home. 

We have work to do. 

Jesus is coming back. 

The tomb is empty my friends. 

One day He will wipe away every tear. 

And that should be our focus. 

Life. . . One on one. 

Meeting needs. 

Putting feet on dreams. 

Waiting to see. 

Because the best. . . is yet to come. 

Stepping Forward; It's Been 2 years

I want to stand in front of the pole 

And will it to not be. 

As if being there at the time of the accident could stop it from happening. 

I stare at the pole. 

Someone has so lovingly mowed this area and planted flowers. 

The knowledge that someone else remembers fills my aching soul.

It is now 2 years since our boy walked this earth. 

2 years of walking a path that is rough and ragged. 

This time has been filled with life - full, and moving on. 

Some days the moving on is so deeply painful. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
But that is what we need to do. 
Step Forward. 
Each foot placed firmly down. 
Placed on the rock that is solid and strong. 
Unshakable. 
Step Forward, for the work still left to do. 
We are a people deeply loved by a loving God. 
So loved in fact that He gave all. 
Yesterday I spoke with another who longs for her child. 
Another taken too soon. 
And we spoke of the blessings we shared. 
The gifts God has given. 
That night. 
The final moments I would ever see him. 
I said Good Bye. 
I held him. 
I gazed into his eyes. 

I have no regrets. 

40 days before he delivered this. 

A gift. 

While we continue to wrestle with deep grief, we still need to step forward. 
Forward into grace. 
Ready to see a need. 
Counting our blessings. 
Standing on Truth. 
I keep coming back to, what I know. 
I know that I am loved. 
I know that I have been redeemed. 
I know where Elijah is. 
I know he is at the feet of Jesus. 
The ache and the pain will never go away. 
I long for my boy every day of my life. 
That, will never change. 

There are still moments when the grief is so over powering, 
I can barely breathe. 
Yet through it all I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me.  

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am stepping forward into God's goodness.
Open to His leading. 
Trusting in His wisdom and grace. 
My soul is at peace. 
Only because of the grace given. 

Elijah. 
I miss you with all my heart. 
We all do. 
Your plans were to serve. 
To serve this country. 
You could have gone to college and been so successful. 
Yet you chose to serve. 
You never had that chance. 
But your servants heart remains a testimony. 

May we all step forward. 
Trusting in the path placed before us. 
Resting in God's unfailing love. 
Laying down those heavy burdens. 
Knowing that there is a plan bigger than us. 

I still marvel each day as I get into the nicest vehicle I have ever driven.
I gaze at the accident site that looks beautiful and to me, has become holy ground. 
I wonder at the love poured out in so many ways. 
Winter; warmth. 
I step each day onto a porch that is solid and beautiful; 
beyond anything we could have done. 

Tangible reminders that we are loved. 
Help to Step Forward.

Reminders that we really do have :

10,000 Reasons to Sing
Matt Redman

1

When You Measure Life in Months

The 28th has rolled around again. 

Life is like that. 

The beat ever steady. 

Moving forward. 

Relentless. 

22 months have passed. 

Each day reliving, longing. 

Trying to shake the words, "There's been an accident."

Longing for my boy. 

Longing for the way things were. 

Yet, longing to be more like Christ. 

Yearning to made into His likeness. 

That my words and actions reflect the deep love He has shown us. 

And I fall short. 

My words and actions the very opposite of what they need to be. 

So, I surrender again the wishes and desires of my heart. 

I let them go;

give them to the giver of all. 

Knowing He has held me all these months. 

Carried us on the wings of His love; loved by a Community and friends. 

I wait for Him to make beauty of these ashes. 

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

He will make all things beautiful in His time. 

I will trust. 

I will hope. 

I will rest. 

My God is fighting for me. 

He is fighting for you. 

He is doing a new thing. 

He has given much grace for our earthly failings. 

Elijah Todd Davis, I miss you with every fiber of my being. 

I long to see you smile and hear your laugh. 

I long for a witty conversation and to see the blue of your eyes. 

I long to make you a cup of coffee and hear your steps on the back porch. 

You would love the new porch. 

The deep ache that lives in me will never go away until I am face to face with my Savior. 

Until then, I will press on this side of eternity, in Jesus' name. 

Holding on to the hope. 

Living and breathing to share the love of Christ. 

I am holding on. . . 

David Crowder

I Am