An Act of Obedience

It's been a while 

I wake to the heavy, raw feeling. 

My constant companion for so long. 

The weight pressing in. 

I haven't slept well. 

A needy dog. 

I feel tired. 

Worn. 

These days. 

Are the hardest. 

The pushing through. 

Imperative. 

Yet the strength it takes. 

The work. 

I close my eyes. 

I trust. 

I cry out to the LORD. 

It is only by his grace. 

It is by his power, that we move. 

His journey to the cross. 

My journey to glory. 

I will myself to begin the day. 

I lay all of my thoughts and emotions at the feet of Jesus. 

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

This is an act of obedience. 

A battle of the wills. 

I can not do this on my own. 

The missing is great these days. 

The Halloween's past. 

Walking past his room. . . day after day. 

Hopes and dreams dashed. 

So much is changing. 

It's so easy to sit and despair. 

But I will not succumb. 

I head to the Ancient Word. 

I sit in the stillness of the morning. 

This day belongs to the Creator of the Universe. 

I long to be his hands and feet. 

I rest in the quiet;

listening for His voice. 

I don't want to do the work of this world on my own. 

I want to know and be known. 

It is only in his quiet presence that the stillness of my heart can be heard. 

Left to it's own, my spirit races and dances with anxiety. 

The heaviness descends and threatens to choke.

It is in His strength that I step. 

In His grace that I bow my knee and lift my hands in sweet surrender. 

We don't have to walk this journey alone. 

We have One who intercede's on our behalf. 

What a gift. 

It is this that guides my thoughts. 

I breathe deeply the freedom in Christ. 

No matter how heavy this world becomes, 

there is One who longs to carry my burden. 

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

 and I will give you rest.

The sun peeks over the mountain, casting pink and cloudy rays of light. 

A new day is dawning. 

I will walk in the hope and strength given. 

My eyes are wide open. 

My spirit weak; but willing. 

With each breath I take I will seek to do the Father's will.

Psalm 31:4

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Casting Crowns

Just be Held

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

Stepping Forward; It's Been 2 years

I want to stand in front of the pole 

And will it to not be. 

As if being there at the time of the accident could stop it from happening. 

I stare at the pole. 

Someone has so lovingly mowed this area and planted flowers. 

The knowledge that someone else remembers fills my aching soul.

It is now 2 years since our boy walked this earth. 

2 years of walking a path that is rough and ragged. 

This time has been filled with life - full, and moving on. 

Some days the moving on is so deeply painful. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
But that is what we need to do. 
Step Forward. 
Each foot placed firmly down. 
Placed on the rock that is solid and strong. 
Unshakable. 
Step Forward, for the work still left to do. 
We are a people deeply loved by a loving God. 
So loved in fact that He gave all. 
Yesterday I spoke with another who longs for her child. 
Another taken too soon. 
And we spoke of the blessings we shared. 
The gifts God has given. 
That night. 
The final moments I would ever see him. 
I said Good Bye. 
I held him. 
I gazed into his eyes. 

I have no regrets. 

40 days before he delivered this. 

A gift. 

While we continue to wrestle with deep grief, we still need to step forward. 
Forward into grace. 
Ready to see a need. 
Counting our blessings. 
Standing on Truth. 
I keep coming back to, what I know. 
I know that I am loved. 
I know that I have been redeemed. 
I know where Elijah is. 
I know he is at the feet of Jesus. 
The ache and the pain will never go away. 
I long for my boy every day of my life. 
That, will never change. 

There are still moments when the grief is so over powering, 
I can barely breathe. 
Yet through it all I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me.  

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am stepping forward into God's goodness.
Open to His leading. 
Trusting in His wisdom and grace. 
My soul is at peace. 
Only because of the grace given. 

Elijah. 
I miss you with all my heart. 
We all do. 
Your plans were to serve. 
To serve this country. 
You could have gone to college and been so successful. 
Yet you chose to serve. 
You never had that chance. 
But your servants heart remains a testimony. 

May we all step forward. 
Trusting in the path placed before us. 
Resting in God's unfailing love. 
Laying down those heavy burdens. 
Knowing that there is a plan bigger than us. 

I still marvel each day as I get into the nicest vehicle I have ever driven.
I gaze at the accident site that looks beautiful and to me, has become holy ground. 
I wonder at the love poured out in so many ways. 
Winter; warmth. 
I step each day onto a porch that is solid and beautiful; 
beyond anything we could have done. 

Tangible reminders that we are loved. 
Help to Step Forward.

Reminders that we really do have :

10,000 Reasons to Sing
Matt Redman

1

The Glory Moment

I have it all wrong. 

See, when the list is so long. 

And the hours in the day not making it. 

I stress. I lash out.

I want to hurry up so I can sit down. 

I quickly click off the task to be able to get to something else. 

While all the while the task at hand many be the very glory moment I need to be in. 

On my knees scrubbing the toilet bowl. 

(Yes, this is true)

Or running out the door to bring a text book to the daughter who forgot. 

Or crying as I can't get to the grave of my son because they don't plow. 

What if those moments matter?

What if each one of those actions were just as significant as the moment I gave birth? 

And what If I am missing some of the most glorious moments because 
I am trying to get to the, thing that I think is important?

I spend each day trying to get to the night. 

Only to fall asleep and start all over again. 

But by living in the moment of; spilling water all over me while trying to cook for 22, hanging laundry, homeschooling, fitting in cello and piano practicing  before I head out the door for a ct scan for my farmer. 

That might be the very glory moment I need to be in. 

No matter how tough it is. 

Or how chaotic. 

God is in the very moment. 

The glory moment. 

And everything we do has purpose and meaning. 

I love Steven Curtis Chapmans song

Do Everything

As you do everything you do the the glory of the One who made you, 

Cause he made you, 

To do 

Everything little thing that you do

To bring a smile to His Face

Tell the story of grace

With every you move that you make 

And every little thing you do

I look around this farmhouse kitchen. 

What matters is that God is in this place. 

What matters is that all who enter here feel His love and know His presence. 

The ceiling may be a mess. 

The walls littered with stains from erasing calendars while homeschooling. 

Dirt all over the floors from visitors throughout the day. 

Clutter from a houseful who forget to pick up. 

But that is not what matters. 

What really matters is that the heart is cultivated into something beautiful. 

That we have come to a place when everything around us is falling apart;

and our hearts are not. 

That we can live in the glory moment. 

Psalm 46:10

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; 

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Breathe deep my friends.

We can live in the glory moment. 

The angry moments when the boy pushes against the authority. 

When the girl lashes out. 

When the to do list will not get done; again. 

 We can do this. 

Because it all matters. 

It all has significance. 

Each and every little thing. 

Glory moments.

Choose to see them. 
Work to seek grace for just the moments. 
The pain has purpose. 
The joy has meaning. 
All working together to help mold us in to the child God wants us to be. 

So, today I will be practicing this skill of glory moments. 
Resting in the rough. 
Not fighting the path;
or the snow that falls in that path! 
Or the wind that blows a frigid chill right through this farm house. 
Because there is a shovel. 
And there is a warm fire. 
The choice on which to dwell is mine. 

I choose the glory moment. 

What about you? 
What will you choose? 

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Waiting. . .How Well Do We Do It?

It is 6:00 a.m when we leave the house.

It is still dark.

I pray while we drive.

Trying to calm the churning. 

I stare at the wall behind the bed. 

It is a familiar wall.

They must be similar in each place. 

I hold Gary's hand. 

I close my eyes, I see the wall behind mom's bed. 

All the tubes and machines. 

I am holding her hand.

Much smaller than my farmers. 

A beautiful hand with long nails, that even as life slipped away, she had manicured. 

Always on her own. 

Very few professional manicures in her life. 

I linger in the memories for a moment. 

But they are still sharp.

Our Pastor arrives and we pray.

He shares:

Isaiah 26 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: 

because he trusteth in thee.

 Trust ye in the Lord for ever: 

for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

I am struck by his quoting the verse from memory; in the King James.

This is a verse he knows. 

He has hidden in his heart. 

He reminds us, our peace is because we have stayed our minds on Christ. 

In this fast paced world of doing and doing. . . where do we put our thoughts?

Many spend time emptying themselves in quiet. 

What if you filled in that quiet with the Holy Spirit?

The One who gives perfect peace. 

The One who is our peace. 

Machines whir and they are ready to take Gary in;

in to surgery.

In to remove a cyst turned cancer.

But a straightforward tumor. 

I watch as they take him away. 

My stomach knots. 

I know better.

I need to surrender. . . all.

God has this all in his hands.

And the waiting begins.

Ephesians 2:14

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one 

and has destroyed the barrier, he has broken down every wall.

I head to the cafeteria with Peter.

We talk, it is good for me. 

I begin to feel peace. 

I steady.

I head back up stairs.

Gary's sister is there to spend the day.

Together we wait.

It is almost 6 hours before we hear anything. 

There is sweet grace in those hours. 

Visits from friends who work at the hospital, 

or just happened to have a meeting that day. 

It helps with the waiting.

The news is good.

They were able to remove the tumor.

They removed lymph nodes. 

Now we wait for the pathology report.

Gary is spending the night. 

It is 9:00 pm before I get home.

It is dark again. 

I wander through the house. 

I greet the kids still awake. 

There are dishes.

There is laundry, book work, food on the counter. 

There is life. 

The forward moving of time. 

I head to bed.

I wait upon the LORD as I rest my weary head. 

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I will wait on the LORD.

I will walk in His presence as I mourn the loss of our son Elijah

as I wait for pathology reports.

As I live for Christ.

And as I thank those who continually hold us.