A Love That Transcends Any Hollywood Attempt

Another year has passed. It would have been my parents 48th Anniversary. I call my dad. I don't say anything about the day. I just want to hear his voice. The voice that once steadied me now needs my assurance. He misses me and wonders when I can come visit. I wonder too. It seems the edge I once had has diminished. The trip MA done in a day or several times a month. The thought, now, fills me with dread. 

My thoughts drift back to last year and since this is a month of remembering. I am re-posting last years thoughts. I am still writing reports. Still working on book work. The beat similar. The journey to the cross still the most important. The clinging to hope. The desire for grace. May encouragement find you as you read. May hope be your companion. 

The Beat of the Heart

Today is my parents Anniversary. It would have been their 47th. Last year we celebrated their 46th in the hospital at Brigham and Woman's. The doctors brought them a cake. . . honoring their years together as mom's life slipped slowly from her. . .I have said before, my parents relationship was  NOT perfect. They fought, said hurtful things, threatened to break that vow they had once cherished. Yet, they stuck it out. They persevered. And it became beautiful. This year mom celebrates in Heaven. . .that perfect Bride of Christ. . .

It was interesting to watch as dad's memory faded, the tenderness he brought to their relationship. When once mom had longed to get flowers or have him be more loving. . .He now was all those things. He would bring flowers, not remembering he had brought some a few days ago. As the realization that mom's cancer had progressed to the point that the ebb and flow of life would be silenced. . .he grew tender and attentive. She grew softer and peaceful. It was beautiful. It was also a gift. And on the day that the LORD called mom home, dad was right beside her. 

 I thought my heart was breaking when mom died in December. She was 69. She had a new grandchild. It was hard to lose her. But we praised God for her life and the blessing that she was able to see Tristan be born and then experience his baptism. Oh what a service that was! Mom standing up out of her wheel chair to give praise to the living God who was calling her home. . .moment by moment. 

I thought my heart was breaking in June when I picked up our sweet puppy from the hard packed road and watched him slip away in my arms. . . When I had to meet Clarissa in the driveway and let her know her precious white bundle had been snatched from this earth, too soon. 

And I then thought my heart might stop beating the night the visitors came to my door to tell me our son had not survived a car accident. . .so close to home . . .And those moments stilled the world for me. As the wee hours of the morning passed. . .I needed to  climb the stairs, walk past his room and tell his siblings that their brother now resided with the King of Kings. 

Each morning the sun rises. . .the milking needs to be done and the beat of the day presses the necessity forward. I am honored and blessed to have friends who have come along side me. . . and are just present in my home. They have folded laundry while I type out evaluations. They have washed dishes and watered plants while I do book work; they have played with my kids while I climb those stairs to lie on my sons bed and pour out my beating heart to the One who gives, and takes life. 

My heart will continue to beat until I am called home. Sometimes I think the beat will be unsteady as my aching heart longs for what it can not have. 

And as each sunrise comes, I will lift mine eyes to the hills from whence my help cometh. (Psalm 121) 

And I will give thanks and praise. 
I will stay wrapped in the love that comes because One gave all, so that all might live. 

I posted this song before. It is by a classmate of Elijah's. 

She is a gem, and a treasure. She has a gift and she gave it. 
And for that I am grateful. . . 

At Your Pace by Mikayla Keleman

The Day is Dawning, How Will You Live This Day? . . .Day #13 of Thankfulness

The day dawns.

White crisp flakes fall to the ground.

The blanket of white enveloping the land.

Our sins are made as white as snow.
Isaiah 1:18
Come now, let us settle the matter,
says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, 
they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, 
they shall be like wool.

One gave, that we may have eternal life.

I keep hearing the voice of the Officer.
There's been an accident.
Is he ok?
silence
I'm sorry.
It plays over and over in my head.
The heart drop feeling.
The moment my life changed forever.

I can remember saying to the officer that God is in control. 
He gives and he takes away.
Blessed be the Name of the LORD.

I don't understand the ways of God.
I can not fathom why he would take such a young man.
My son.
So loved.
My heart aches with wanting answers.
And now my husband.
My sweet, quiet, hard working farmer.
Why?
But, as I have said. . .why not?
Why not my whole family?

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
 whenever you face trials of many kinds, 
 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 
 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, 
not lacking anything.

God is good because of who He is. . .not because of what He does.
And we are told we would face trials.
That this life would be hard.
What do we do with that trial is how we live and glorify God.
This journey is not easy.
I still would do anything to have Elijah back.
To make our fractured family whole.

But I have died to myself.
It is Christ who lives in me.
And it is in Him that we live and have our being.
It is in Him we have Hope.
So I lay it all down.
I surrender all that I am.
So that Christ may fill my cup.
He is no stranger to our pain.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, 
but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body,
 I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Day #13 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

Even though we are in great trial we have great peace

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

My mother-who gave me the greatest gift in my faith

My mother's example of walking with cancer

her journey to come to believe that the cancer had become a blessing

this community and the giving that is still happening

feeling wrapped in a hug on days we want to fall apart

people who understand farming and are willing to help

 my step daughter and her husband who bring me great joy

my children who are willing to live for Christ no matter how hard things are

Seasons to be Thankful

No matter your trial today, or even your utmost joy. 

May you find that peace and joy in the grace of the One who gave all, so we could live.

And every blessing you pour out I will turn back to praise

And when the darkness closes in. . .Lord. .. still I will say

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord. 

Listen. . . to those drums. . .listen. . .