No Matter The Hurt, Or Pain; See. . .He Is Doing A New Thing

I am restless.

The pain searing today.

The missing overpowering. 

The unknown of cancer lingering.

Will the treatments work?

How much more will they affect my farmers body? 

The future unknown and looming before me. 

My soul longs for relief. 

Relief from the constant pain, the constant longing for my son. 

Longing for family time all together. 

That which will never be. 

Sometimes I think my heart will shatter into a million pieces.

Other times, I think it already has. 

This is all too much to bear. The weight is heavy and His burden does not seem light. 

The steps ordered for me seem a bitter path. 

I am reminded to look deeper. To really see. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

 I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I can not see what God is doing. He is doing the new thing. He and He alone will make the path straight. He gives light to that path. He illuminates the part we need to see. 

Even in the darkness, he is doing a new thing.

He wants us to wait for him. 

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Waiting is hard. We have a need for immediate gratification. 

Frustration is bred as we wait; in lines, in traffic, for our technology. 

I confess, I am terrible at waiting. I am easily angered or annoyed by slow vehicles, by crowds or lines. My heart becomes hard and venom is known to spew from my lips. 

Yet this waiting is given by the Lord. 

He tells us to be strong and take heart. 

These times of waiting are moments to find grace. Moments to pray for those around you. Moments to seek whom God will place in your path. To prepare you for the race of the day. 

God is doing a new thing. 

We need to be ready. We need to prepare to run the race he has planned. Our lives need to reflect the well worn path to the cross. The daily practice of taking up his cross, laying down our burdens, quietly being in his presence and spending time in his word. 

 Even when I can barely take a breath, he is working his will and his purpose for our good. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

For He is good. 

He will always be good. No matter how I am feeling, no matter the ache or joy. 

He is always good. 

Step into that goodness today. 

Let him take your pain.

No one is beyond redemption. 

There is grace for all. 

For He is so good. 

How Climbing That Hill Is Always Better With Others

I went for a walk yesterday. 

It started out with my walking buddy. 

But God was writing my "To Do" list.

So we gained two other people.
It was glorious to be outside.
The sun was shining, the air crisp; yet invigorating.
(Not the, "I want to run back in the house feeling")
I haven't walked since the fall.

It's been too cold and icy.
And dark.
My walking partner and I are not hardy like that.
We are fair weather walkers.
Enough said in a state where the sun rarely shines.
And it's dark. 
But we walk today.
We get to the bottom of the hill and I am done.
I get ready to turn around.
Last fall I had worked my way up to walking part way up that hill.
It was a goal and we attained it.
Now though, I hadn't walked in 2 months.
I was done.
But my sister in law said no, let's go.
(this, after we had helped her with her groceries too!)
She taunted me.
Really.
She did.
And I went.
Up that hill. 
And I complained the whole way.
I think I even called her a name or two.
And said something about liking my other walking partner better.
It was getting ugly.
And then.
We made it.
We turned around.
I complained the whole way down.
Really. I did.
But you know what. I made it up that hill. I didn't think I could do it.
I didn't have what it takes to make it. But there were 3 others around me who thought I could.
And we did it.
And I feel fine today.
What hill do you need to climb? What hill can you help someone else climb?
Sometimes the hills are mountains and we can't make it alone. 
I have learned that the mountains in front of us are daunting unless the
body of Christ gathers round.
We all have mountains in front of us.
Have someone go the distance with you.
Invite someone into your circle to share. 
We shouldn't travel alone. 
Read the manual.
God's word will never fail. 
Be prepared.
We never know what life will bring to us. 
A well worn path will lead when it is too dark to see. 

I am looking forward to the view at the top of this mountain climb I am on.
I long to see clearly, what I can only see dimly now.

I Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. 
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I want to finish this race well. 

I want each day to count for good. 

I long for each breath that I take to reflect the grace that God so freely pours out.

It can't be done alone.

And I can't do it myself. 

Only God can.

I am coming to the River and laying my burden down. 

I Don't Have A Typical To Do List

This day. 

It is new.

There is laundry and dirt.

There is an abundance of clutter, paper work and dishes. 

There is financial stress, farming chores and broken equipment. 

There is still cancer and the searing pain of the loss of a child. 

Today marks 3 years for another family and the loss of their son. 

A Classmate of Elijah's. 

A name read at Graduation. 

The emotion so overwhelming we clapped and cried, remembering. 

For a long time. 

A life cut short by his own hand. 

I remember the feeling. . . how can you lose a child? How does one ever live through it?

I prayed right there for that family, for all families.

I prayed for safety for my children.

Chelsea heavy with child at the time.

I prayed. 

Now.

Here too, I am. 

A life cut short. 

The missing; overpowering. 

Each step taken; away. 

Away from the life our family has known.

It is a new day. 

Psalm 118:24

This is the day the Lord has made;We will rejoice and be glad in it.

It is a day given by the LORD. 

We are still here. He still has work for us to do. 

It is a day to surrender and seek where God will lead. 

Who will He have you come in contact with today?

What will He call you to do to serve Him?

How will He use you? 

When will He use an opportunity to show love and mercy to someone today? 

Where will you be when He calls? 

Why do we wait to surrender to his will?

There is grace for today. 

Make it count; for His kingdom.

Being so caught up in the to do list, we forget what list really matters. 

I want to be faithful in the little things. 

I want my to do list to be written by Him. 

I don't want to miss how I should live. 

I don't want to be so caught up in the things I deem important that I miss the things God sees. 

So, I will keep the coffee pot hot. I will keep my eyes focused on the real work of the day. 

And when the burdens of this world become so heavy. 

I will turn to the I Am.

There is no space that His love can't reach

There's no place where we can't find peace. 

I AM Holding on to you. . .

In the middle of the storm

I Am holding on

I AM. 

Exodus 3:14

God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM.

 This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 

'I AM has sent me to you.'"

I am holding on tight today, to I AM.

What Singing At The Top Of Your Lungs Can Do. . .My Girls Told Me So

He slept on the couch because the coughing is so bad.

Yet he never complains.

The radiation causing side effects that have no remedy. 

He is weak and so tired.

Yet not once has he slept in. 

Not once has he been able to. 

The son the same way. 

He too rising each morning; never complaining. 

I struggle. 

There were plans set in place so he could rest. 

But it hasn't worked out that way. 

When things continue to spiral out of your control it makes you hold tighter; 

grasp with all your might. 

Clench everything that you can.

As if the course of events could be changed be clinging harder.

What is it that is worth holding onto that tightly?

What can be so important?

Pride?

 Fierce indepedence?

It is only when we let go, when we open our hands wide that God can do the wonderful.

That he can do the healing.

He longs to.

He is waiting for us. 

The simple song from the new movie "Frozen"; which I have yet to see; which my daughters have seen twice; which was co-directed by a friend from High School's sister; 

right from my home town; has a very interesting song.

 My daughters sing this song over and over and over. .  .adnauseam. 

 The lyrics to the song Let it Go, (might take on a different meaning after I see the movie)

have some wisdom and truth in them.

Let it go, let it go.
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.

The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,

makes everything seem small.

Letting go and letting God is so hard. It shouldn't be. But it is. 

We hold on to that which we should lay before Him. 

The storms will rage. They will come. 

But we can give it all away. 

It's here, in the next stanza where they could get it right; but they don't. 

And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do,

to test the limits and break through.

No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!

Let it go, let it go.

Read more: Idina Menzel - (Disney's Frozen) Let It Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

But they are wrong. It's not time to see what we can do. 

We do not posses the strength. We will come up empty every time. Still searching. 

Still desiring that which is only found in surrendering it all. 

It's time to Let it go; to God. 

Let him take the burden. 

Let him give the peace that passes all understanding.

And see what He will do.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

While I don't understand why our careful plans to cover chores 

while my farmer is sick haven't worked out. 

While I don't understand why our son was taken. 

I can begin to let it go; moment by moment

I can unclench my fists and hold loosely the things of this world. 

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It's time to open our hands, unclench the fists that so tightly hold the hurt and pain of today. 

Unclench the fists pained by worry and regret. 

Let God work his healing touch.

And then  sing, at the top of your lungs; My girls say it's better that way.

"Let it Go, Let it Go"

And let it all go to the one that created you. 

The troubles of this world will never be removed. 

But the peace that can be found through this journey is a gift. 

Mopping Away The Grit And The Grime

I finger the pages.

The pages of the yearbook he'll never see. 

The 2013 yearbook that holds the memory of the last of his walk on this earth. 

Graduation and the hope of a future.

I waited to look at it. 

I couldn't bring myself to walk into the pain;
the endless sea of grief.
But I look and I laugh and I remember.

He was so loved.
Such a humble young man; so missed.
I hear stories from those around us of interactions with Elijah and my heart soars.
Isn't that what every mama wants to hear? Stories of your boy and the beauty he left behind.
He wasn't perfect. His choices not always wise.
 But he loved the Lord and quietly (sometimes) made a difference.
It is in these things I can't find my bearings.
I want to tell him how proud we are of him.

I want him to know.
I want him here.
Isn't that what we want for our kids?
To make a difference.
To live so that Christ will be evident in all they do; even in the struggle.

I mop the floor.

The first time in 6 months.
 I mop away the grit and the grime;
 The remains of strangers and  unexpected visitors to our home.
 The steps of Elijah; washed away.
I didn't want to mop. I didn't want to wash away pieces that are left.
But what am I hanging on to?
Where is my hope nestled?
It is in looking forward. Forward to the day when all tears will be wiped away.
The day of a sweet reunion.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a]
 or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

It is in the hope of the future to which God has called us.


Psalm 139:1-6

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

We are a known people. Just as we know our children. The father knows us.

He longs for us to be in relationship with him. 

To come to him.

He longs to take all that grit and grime and turn it into something beautiful. 

The day is coming when he will return. 

I long for that day more than ever before. 

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

He knows the number of our days.
When our hope is set securely in him we step into the peace that passes all understanding.
We enter the hope that is waiting. That is where my heart will rest today.
As we move through the dance of cancer, as we struggle through the grief of living without our son. We will rest. We will look forward. We will stand with our feet on solid ground.
The missing will not change. The desire for all to be different still remains.
God wants our honesty before him.
He wants our obedience too.
I can't change the circumstances of my life.
But I can yield to the Spirit and find rest in the One who can make us whole.

Whom shall I fear?
I know who goes before me,
I know who stands behind.
The God of Angel Armies, is always by my side.

This Is War

They know I am on to them.

As bold as brass they run across the floor. With no care that I am there.

Now, with traps set in strategic places they refuse to venture forth.

We can not co exist. I draw the line.

They are small and furry. They leave messes everywhere.

They are almost like my children in some ways.

But my children are allowed to stay.

They are not.
I am sure they would argue they have been here longer. 
It bears no weight. 
Even if some think they are cute and Walt has personified the image.

 I wait to hear a snap. I check to see if there are any signs.

I even dreamed I have conquered them.

But not this morning.

One snapped and sprung into my grease cup.

Really?
The other licked dry of peanut butter. 

They think they are going to have the last laugh.

We scrub cupboards and dishes with clorox.

Leviticus 11:29
Now these are to you the unclean among the swarming things which swarm on the earth: the mole, and the mouse, and the great lizard in its kinds,

Nothing that swarms is good. 

This is war. 

Unless Mighty Mouse is headed our way.

I Long For The Days Before The Accident, Before Cancer

Sometimes I want to be anywhere, but here. I long for the days. . .before the accident. . .

Times before death and cancer became constant companions. 

When life, though difficult at times, was full. 

The journey deep with joy and gratitude for these children and the 
journey we were on.

That life gone now.

Because we will never be the same.

Ever.

I can never wake up again without feeling that something is missing. 

Some days the missing is so hard.

It threatens to overwhelm.

I close my eyes.

 I picture Elijah, I long to see him and hear his voice.

 I long to see his future unfold.
I miss his wit and Davis gleam in his eyes.
Those beautiful blue eyes and fiery red hair. 
The temper, always needing to be squelched.

We wedding shop for Crystal's sister, Alaria.

 I see it in Crystals eyes. All that can never be. 

Dreams left unfinished. Promises made; unfulfilled. 

And this ache threatens to engulf.

 How can this hurt be turned upside down? What do you do when your heart longs for something it can never have. I can't turn back time. 

The beat; silenced. 
It is in these moments that God reminds me, that He is all I need. 

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

To seek comfort any other place is futile. 

I will continually come up empty. 

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

 As I struggle with understanding and moving forward, 

I need to surrender it all. 

I can't keep holding on to bits and pieces because He needs to carry it all. 

Letting it all go is hard. I want to feel in control of something. 

I watch as my husband becomes weaker and weaker; yet perseveres through. It is with this tenacity we need to live out our walk in Christ. 

It is in these moments of feeling low that there is a knock on the door.

 I have lost track of time. (surprising, I know)

 Brenda and her daughter are here.

 I knew they were coming. They had called the night before.

 They had something for us. 
She had read on my blog that I just wanted to hold my boy one more time.

She and her daughter have made a quilt, filled with pictures and scriptures from this blog. There are pillows. One for each of the kids. 
Something to hold. Something to have. 

God continues to use people on this earth to bless us. To wrap us in love.
  A reminder that He is not far away. 
He knows our hurt and our pain. 
And he is walking the journey with us. 

Be encouraged this day. Great pain and heartache may not be taken away.
 But there is peace and strength for each of the step along the way. While I long for the days before. My longing needs to be for the only balm that will soothe this aching heart. 

"Whatever will come our way, Through fire or pouring rain, 
We won't be shaken, no we won't be shaken, 
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken"

He knows my every longing. . .