What Singing At The Top Of Your Lungs Can Do. . .My Girls Told Me So

He slept on the couch because the coughing is so bad.

Yet he never complains.

The radiation causing side effects that have no remedy. 

He is weak and so tired.

Yet not once has he slept in. 

Not once has he been able to. 

The son the same way. 

He too rising each morning; never complaining. 

I struggle. 

There were plans set in place so he could rest. 

But it hasn't worked out that way. 

When things continue to spiral out of your control it makes you hold tighter; 

grasp with all your might. 

Clench everything that you can.

As if the course of events could be changed be clinging harder.

What is it that is worth holding onto that tightly?

What can be so important?

Pride?

 Fierce indepedence?

It is only when we let go, when we open our hands wide that God can do the wonderful.

That he can do the healing.

He longs to.

He is waiting for us. 

The simple song from the new movie "Frozen"; which I have yet to see; which my daughters have seen twice; which was co-directed by a friend from High School's sister; 

right from my home town; has a very interesting song.

 My daughters sing this song over and over and over. .  .adnauseam. 

 The lyrics to the song Let it Go, (might take on a different meaning after I see the movie)

have some wisdom and truth in them.

Let it go, let it go.
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.

The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,

makes everything seem small.

Letting go and letting God is so hard. It shouldn't be. But it is. 

We hold on to that which we should lay before Him. 

The storms will rage. They will come. 

But we can give it all away. 

It's here, in the next stanza where they could get it right; but they don't. 

And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do,

to test the limits and break through.

No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!

Let it go, let it go.

Read more: Idina Menzel - (Disney's Frozen) Let It Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

But they are wrong. It's not time to see what we can do. 

We do not posses the strength. We will come up empty every time. Still searching. 

Still desiring that which is only found in surrendering it all. 

It's time to Let it go; to God. 

Let him take the burden. 

Let him give the peace that passes all understanding.

And see what He will do.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

While I don't understand why our careful plans to cover chores 

while my farmer is sick haven't worked out. 

While I don't understand why our son was taken. 

I can begin to let it go; moment by moment

I can unclench my fists and hold loosely the things of this world. 

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It's time to open our hands, unclench the fists that so tightly hold the hurt and pain of today. 

Unclench the fists pained by worry and regret. 

Let God work his healing touch.

And then  sing, at the top of your lungs; My girls say it's better that way.

"Let it Go, Let it Go"

And let it all go to the one that created you. 

The troubles of this world will never be removed. 

But the peace that can be found through this journey is a gift. 

I Can't Grow A Garden, But I Can Plant My Feet Firmly On Solid Ground

My feet are planted firmly on the ground.
It's about the only thing I plant.
A farmer's wife that can not grow a garden.
Can you believe it?
It's true.
It's the ugly truth.
There is nothing green, or any other color, for that matter,  that prospers under my thumb.
I am more interested in cultivating souls.
Cultivating ground that yields to our Savior.
Soft earth willing to accept life in Christ.
Or the hard packed earth, where trouble and pain have made joy almost obsolete.
This is the ground in which I want to plant seeds.
Seeds that sow eternal life, grace and peace for the journey.
That is my garden.
That is my hearts cry.
Because when my world falls apart piece by piece;

I will not be moved.
Psalm 62:6
Truly he is my rock and my salvation; 
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

The earth may shake but still those Ancient Words will pour over my soul. 

The death of our son, cancer or farm issues day after day will not move us. 

That Satan can try with all his might;

But I will not be moved. 
The garden of my soul will flourish. 

I will sing praises with every breath I have. 

This life is not my own. 

Watching Gary go through this is like walking in hell. 

I watched my mother battle cancer and begged God day after day to take her. 

I then have had my son ripped suddenly from me. 

Never to hear his voice, touch his face; watch him grow. 

And now this. 

But I will not be moved;
 with God's help;
with the strength of those around us. 

I will not succomb to the dread and fear that awaits. 

I will stand on firm ground. 
The ground, that those that came before us bent low to clear;
 the ground that yields life and is the sustenance for this farm.

My knees are bowed in prayer and my hands lifted in praise. 

I will lean into all that is unfolding.
I will sing praises with every breath I have. 
And while seed catalogs arrive this week, I will not be one to pour over them.
I will pour over those Ancient Words and water the garden I know how to plant.

I Corinthians 3:7
So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, 
but only God, who makes things grow.

I will walk by faith
Even when I can not see
Well, because this broken road
Prepares your will for me

Grace at the door. . .Day # 4 of Thankfulness

He stood at the door.

A young woman by his side. 

There were tears in his eyes.

He was struggling to find the words.

I let him have his space.

He said he was sorry it's taken him so long to come.

He was in the Marine Poolee Group with Elijah.

He too, in the Delayed Entry Program.

I recognized him after a few moments.

He was also a classmate of Elijah's.

I also knew the young lady he was with. 

A cousin. 

Her Grandpa the fiddle player in the band Gary played in.

He was leaving at 1:00 p.m. for Boot Camp at Parris Island.

He had wanted to come and see us. 

One of the last things he was to do before he left. 

He told us of his plans. 

He shared the journey that might be his.

Grace. 

That's what that is. 

Beautiful Grace. 

I told him all summer I had been gathering scriptures

 in a journal to write to encourage Elijah. 

That was not to be. 

Instead those scriptures encourage me. 

I asked if I could write to him. 

Would he mind?

He said he wouldn't mind. 

He wouldn't mind at all. 

I showed him the flag that had hung over Parris Island in honor of Elijah.

Those hot molten tears welled up and spilled over. 

Before he left. 

He said he didn't want to intrude on our time. 

He didn't want to presume to know what our schedule was, but if it were possible;

It would be an honor for him to have us attend his Graduation on January 31, 2014.

I came undone.

I held that boy and cried like he were my own.

I cried missing my own.

I cried for all that will never be. 

My heart filled with love for this country.

These Marines. . . How much they care;

to come to this broken mama and share this gift. 

It is more grace.

I don't know how God will work this plan. 

But if it is meant to be, we would be honored to attend we told him. 

And then the young man and his sweet girl left.

We headed to church. 

So thankful we had been home. 

Church as always is a joy mixed with great sorrow. 

In the front still sits Elijah's drum seat.

It's like it's ready for him to set up his drums. 

But that is not to be. 

It is the end of the service that finally leaves me unable to stand,

 unable to hold in the tears any longer.

It has been a long week. 

My heart aches.

I long to be with Chelsea and that baby. 

We wait on answers for pathology.

All while life moves on.

We sing a song,

 that I have been playing non stop since Elijah went to be with Jesus.

Be strong in the Lord, and be of good courage;

your  mighty Defender is always the same.

Mount up with wings, as the eagle ascending;

victory is sure when you call on his name.

So  put on the armor the Lord has provided,

and place your defense in his unfailing care.

Trust him for he will be with you in battle,lighting your path to avoid every snare.

It is with the second verse I struggle.
Because I don't feel as if I have avoided every snare. 

And how did God defend me? 

I have lost a son and now I await pathology reports for cancer for my husband.

And as we sing this hymn I cry. 

I sit down. 

I place my head in my hands. . .and I cry. 

I cry for the young man headed to boot camp.

I cry for my boy who now resides in the greatest Corps the world has ever known. 

I cry for cancer and the unknown. 

And the peace that transcends all understanding fills my soul. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I may never understand why the events of the last year have happened. 

Trying to make sense is wasted energy. 

What I know is that God has never once left us. 

I can not see what He sees. 

I can not begin to know what He knows.

But there is great joy in knowing Him. 

Day # 4 of Thankfulness
I am thankful for:
Grace at the door
Peace ,with hope in Christ
There is a future; and God has it
God's mercy and love
Friends who hold my hand
Afternoons spent with lovely ladies
Sunshine
Young men that want to serve our country
Hope, that no matter where this journey leads, God is still in control
Children who laugh and giggle, love to snuggle
The sweetness of a grand baby and the joy of watching the parents love on that child
The view of the mountains from my warm house
wood that allows the house to be warm and all the hands that made that happen
My husband, he still makes me swoon
His steadfastness through the death of his son and a diagnosis of cancer
His unfailing love for his Savior and the modeling of that in each step he takes
His integrity in business and humbleness in life


Be Strong in the LORD today.
No matter how the day rolls, He is in control.
He sees the picture that we never can.

There is A Season

One of Gary's Uncles drops off an article he has had since 1974.

It is an article about Gary and the farm. 

I sit and read this old news. 

Gary is 18.

The age our son never saw. 

Funny how pieces of the past draw you in. 

Popovers and Oatmeal for breakfast this morning.

Elijah did not like popovers. 

I can't remember how he felt about oatmeal. 

I always had to ask the kids to remind me what they liked. 

I walk out of the bedroom.

It is warm.

We have heat in the house.

Such little things.

Yet so important.

I listen to the messages on the phone. 

I decide to listen to the saved messages. 

The first, is mom.

I sigh when I hear her voice. 

She was just checking in. 

Now, she resides with the King of Kings. 

The next is the message from the State Trooper's dispatch asking us to go to the door. 

There was a State Trooper waiting to talk with us the night of the accident. 

The power had gone out so the phone never rang. 

These 2 messages side by side. Representing time gone by. 

The past.

I am not sure what the future holds.

 Sometimes I do not want to know.

 I am not sure I can take anymore. 

Yet, I do not want to miss the path God has prepared for me. 

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do not want to miss the grandchild soon to arrive. 

So, while my heart is heavy.

I turn. . . 

Psalm 119:59

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.

I turn the oven on and make popovers.

I turn the stove on and cook oatmeal.

I turn the pages of my bible to seek the only counsel my heart needs to hear. 

I turn the volume up on my phone to make sure I hear a phone call if Lilah is starting her journey. 

Ecclesiastes 3 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 A time to be born, and a time to die. . .A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

 a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

What ever season you may be in, may you turn to the comfort of the word.

May you turn, to the arms that will never let you go. 

Even on Your 20th Anniversary, One Can Get Cranky

Even on your 20th Anniversary one can get cranky.

We don't relax. 

We are in constant motion.

Every moment needed to survive.

For a farmer there is work and there is sleep.

And when the harvest is in or the sun too hot. . .

There is a season for rest. 

But not much. 

So when 20 years come and we take a break.

There is bound to be bumps in the road.
But we work them out. . . it's the way of marriage.
It is giving and giving more.
It is loving better, being patient and kind.
Keeping NO record of wrongs.
I Corinthians 13

And time away has been good.
We live in a beautiful state.
The color exquisite this year.

We arrive at our hotel ,.
We are told that our room has been upgraded.
We are wished a Happy Anniversary
We did not share this information when we made our reservation.
They are aware of our son's passing as well.
After we are in the room for awhile, there is a knock at the door and room service delivers chocolate and chilled champagne. . .compliments of the General Manager with the room upgrade.
This is extravagant grace.
I can count on one hand the number of times we have been away.
Never, have we been treated like this.
Thank you to whom ever planned this detail.

We dined by firelight, had massages.

But still cried ourselves to sleep.
Even in the elegance of a place like this,
 the raw emotions of a broken heart can't be escaped
I  pray.
I pray for 20 years of loving.
I pray for loss and broken hearts and a family that will never be the same.
I pray for our children still allowed to be with us and the new life coming soon.
I pray for those that carry the new life and strength for their journey ahead.

Life is not easy.
Marriage is not easy.
But loving God is.
It is  surrender,  repentance, and acceptance.
 Mercy and Grace.
We all have a story.
We all have pain.
But we all have access to the One that will;
"wipe every tear from their eyes. 
There will be no more death’
 or mourning or crying or pain,for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
There is hope and there is joy. . . beyond anything our earthly minds can grasp.

Looking through my phone last night I found a few more pictures.
I treasure these gifts.
I miss all that has been.
This new walk is unfamiliar.
Yet, each moment of the way we are held.
We are loved.

May we all take time today to keep no record of wrongs. . .
If you will, please take a moment to listen to this link from my cousins' son Adrian Gonzalez.

I Corinthians 13
Adrian Gonzalez

Distracted

The girls leave and strangely, I find myself alone. 

This does not happen very often. 

I expect to feel overwhelmed and sad.

Yet surprisingly I feel fine.
This might be due to the fact that we have a financial appointment in 2 hours

and I have not gathered any of the information required.

So, I begin the sprint to find obscure pieces of paper that I know
I have seen in the past few months. . .but not quite sure where.

I soon realize that I have lost much over the past few months
but not my ability to be easily distracted. 

I head to the timer.

I usually set it for 15 mintues.

 But given my state of mind, I try for 5.

This works for a bit.

I get the dishwasher stacked before I notice the dryer has finished.

I switch the laundry and look for a few pieces of the missing paperwork. . .and the timer goes off.

 I have successfully not stayed on task for 5 minutes.

 I head back to the kitchen. 

Set the timer again. 

And get to work. 

I repeat this process until I have gathered all the paperwork and accomplished nothing in the kitchen and we are now late to leave for the appointment.

It is good that my farmer possesses the same skills in tardiness that I do.

We head to the appointment. 

It is raining.

We don't talk much. 

I made this appointment because things haven't been that great on the farm and the thought of cancer and being left to mother the 4 left in the home and take care of the farm seems daunting. 

So, I make the appointment with a financial advisor. 

I think my farmer is not that thrilled about the idea. 

I probably would feel the same way. 

But here we are, on our way, late. 

The meeting goes well.
We have assignments.
And I like that. 

We get home and my farmer dashes off to the barn. 

There is a milking machine to fix before milking can start.

There is a new circulator pump to put in downstairs before he can light the wood fired boiler.
.

I think I have mentioned a few too many times how chilly I might be in the mornings.

And  in the afternoons I have to go outside to get warm, because it's too cold in the house. 

Maybe I mentioned it a few times. . .
So, tonight, I will have heat.
And when I wake in the morning, maybe I will be a little more eager to get out of bed.

So, I have tried to write a whole post without mentioning Elijah.
But I can't.
Because I think about him all day.
Everywhere I turn there are memories of him.
And every breath I take hurts.
 I still don't know what this life is supposed to look like without him.
I gaze at his pictures. . .
I reach to touch.
How I long for just another moment.
During the summer, as I prepared for him to leave for boot camp and military life,
I began keeping a journal of bible verses to write to him; to encourage him while he was gone.
Now, they encourage me. . .
Here are a few.

2 Samuel 22:33
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

Psalm 119:105 
Your Word is a lamp to my feet. 
Psalm 121
I life my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, 
The maker of Heaven and Earth.

And in my darkest hour, Elijah,  I tell myself. . .I'll see you again. . .
Miss you with all my heart.

No Time For Good Bye's

The end of a life so sudden

No time for goodbyes

No warning

The waves of shock continue

The sharing of the burden lessen's the load

But the night is dark

and my heart cries out for what it can not have

The seasons change
The air pungent
the earth readies for slumber of winter
there is death all around
each leaf and flower a reminder
that all must come to an end

Where does hope lie?
Where does one go with the torment of grief
The agony of loss
The inability to change the course of events.

The winter only last for a time
 here we do not stay.
For to, means destruction

But, what lies beneath the earth is not idle
Very roots of the trees ready to burst at
first warmth
releasing life bound through winters rest
Only shielding it from view

That which we can not see
life abundant

It's been 11 weeks of missing. 11 weeks that my heart has hurt.

 11 weeks since my sleep was interrupted. 11 weeks of walking hand in hand with our Savior.

 Trying to keep my eyes focused. 

Still wondering when the Saturday nights won't haunt me.

I went out for most of the day. 

. .

I didn't want to go. It is easier to stay home.

But I went and we had fun. 

It was a gorgeous day. 

Gary finished chores early, so we took Cedric to see the Captain Phillips movie. 

Such a normal day. . .when everything doesn't feel normal. 

But we step forward.

We walk through each moment.

The stars were beautiful last night. 

And I looked to the heavens.

And I wonder, what heaven is like?

What is it that Elijah sees? 

He does not need me anymore. 

This is hard. 

And I breathed in the night air. 

And my heart still hurts.

It's a dull ache that just stays with me. 

I glance to the heavens again and I give thanks for the beautiful display. 

And then  I cry.

 I cry for my son. 

I cry for Captain Phillips

 and what he went through and all the people all over the world hurting; corrupt.

I cried because I wonder if Elijah would have been able to do some good in the Marines and bring relief to these corrupt countries. 

One day at a time, trusting in what I know. 

Thanking God for what has been.

Believing that God has a plan. 

Psalm 86:5

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.

When You Think The Journey Can't Get Any Harder

I am thankful for the time.

I sit in the doctors office.

I am writing very over due thank you notes while I wait for Gary.

He is having a simple procedure to remove a cyst from his face.

I notice the waiting room start to fill.

This doesn't seem like a place that runs behind.
I glance at my watch and am shocked to see how much time has passed.
I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.
Something is wrong.
The nurse comes out and ushers me back to the room.
Gary is sitting with his back to me.
The doctor shares the news with me.
He could not remove the mass because it is not a cyst.
It is a tumor.
I can feel myself tense, ready for the next words.
Possibly cancerous.
It will need to be removed.
It will be more invasive.
He sent a biopsy out.

We chat with the doctor about next steps and the care for the wound.
We get in the car to drive home.
I ask Gary how he's feeling.
He says terrible;
he really needs a chocolate milk shake and he will feel better.
I smile.
That is my farmer.
Everything in stride.




We don't know what lies ahead.
But we'll deal with it.
Together.
With God. . .
And a few chocolate milk shakes.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 
for tomorrow will worry about itself. 
Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Our hands are wide open. 

We are trusting with all we have. 

And we will be still.