Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

So many times I have picked up the phone to call. 

My heart hurts missing Elijah. 

Yet you reign with him on high. 

It was April vacation. 

I missed our time together. 

It was always so much warmer at your house. 

Such a perfect time to be away. 

We would sit on your screened in porch. 

How you loved that addition to your home. 

We'd drink coffee and argue. 

Goodness we never could see eye to eye on very much;

except our love for our Lord. 

I went to a family baby shower. 

Your presence missed so much. 

You just had an air about you that made a party. 

I took a walk with a friend. 

She shared part of her to do list. 

Buying flowers for her mom. 

I remember the last time I sent you flowers. 

I know there's a picture in one of your albums. 

Your Birthday and Mother's Day only days apart. 

I called to order you flowers. 

Our hometown florist. 

Folks you went to school with. 

She asked me what to put on the card. 

I couldn't speak. 

I started to cry. 

I didn't know how long you would live. 

Cancer had been your companion for 9 years. 

I couldn't pull myself together. 

I felt so foolish. 

When I gained composure,

I said, " Happy Mother's Day, Love Gary, Tammy and the kids."

And that was that. 

The last time I would send you Mother's Day flowers. 

2012.

Now, I need to head to your home.

To take all the memories and store them in other places. 

Oh, there are so many. 

How you loved life. 

Even your cancer could not, would not, destroy your joy. 

Photo Albums showing the legacy of the life you lived. 

Embracing moments. 

Capturing events forever. 

These are the hardest to sift through. 

What do we do with the life time of memories?

Today dawned beautiful again. 

After days of dreary weather, it has been wonderful to see the sunshine. 

The college girl will be coming home next week. 

Her freshman year finished. 

She's changed though. 

Divided. 

This place no longer holds her. 

She's changing and growing into the woman God has called her. 

She won't be home for Mother's Day. 

I don't want that to affect me. 

I have had the gift of being a mom. 

A joy for which I am eternally grateful. 

A longing in my heart; given. 

Many times. 

I miss you mom. 

What I Missed This Christmas

I'm pretty sure I took no pictures. 

I don't have a camera and my cell phone has too many photos. 

I felt off the whole day. 

Most of the day I really wanted to be alone. 

Me; the extrovert.

 Alone. 

I watched endless episodes of "Gilmore Girls";

 not stopping until I looked at my watch,

 horrified that it was past the time to go to bed. 

The house; a wreck. 

I hardly picked up a thing. 

I go to bed with an empty feeling. 

It's not until the morning,  

when I walk out into the living room and survey the damage. 

Boxes and tissue paper. 

Stockings and their contents spilled out. 

Little space not consumed by the lack of my attention to anything yesterday. 

It dawns on me. 

A video I started watching the other day. 

A family I have heard of, but know little about. 

A link I happened to click on. 

A family with many children and their traditions. 

Their family motto. 

J-O-Y

Jesus first, Others next, Yourself last. 

BAM!

There it is. 

All day yesterday was about me. 

What did I get for gifts. 

I didn't want to cook. 

I wanted to watch TV. 

Uninterrupted. 

I was justified. 

Everyday I work hard. 

I hardly ever sit. 

So, this day. 

This Christmas. 

I was taking a break. 

It was all about me. 

No wonder I went to bed feeling so empty. 

As nice as it was so sit. 

I did it at the expense of Jesus and Others. 

I didn't serve my family in any way. 

There could have been little things I had done to still slow down for the day. 

But my focus changed and I felt it. 

The heartache I feel at Christmas will never go away. 

His stocking will always be empty. 

The tags I find with his name on them will never be used again. 

The jammies I wanted to buy and the gifts I wanted to give will remain unpurchased. 

And the dreams he had and wanted, will never be. 

That is not for me to decide. 

God ordained before the beginning of time the length and number of Elijah's days. 

The plan God's.
Not mine. 

I will miss what God will do, if "I" am in the way. 

While I worked hard to do nothing yesterday, I missed photo opportunities. 

I missed conversations or moments of memories made.

Moments to clear my phone of pictures to make room for new ones. 

New memories, new hope. 

I missed that because "I" got in the way. 

It's not too late to change. 

The coffee is on. 

The radio may have ceased the Christmas Carols. 

But my heart can find the melody. 

Even when your walk is strong and your faith deep. 

The way can be hard. 

I am pushing the "I" away today. 

I think the family motto from the video I watched was a gift sent by God. 

I just missed it at first. 

Today I see it. 

Jesus first, Others next -Yourself last.

May you find the time to grab something hot and listen to this beautiful song. 

God is with us. God is for us.

God is in us. 

Casting Crowns

God Is With Us