Friday, December 26, 2014

What I Missed This Christmas

I'm pretty sure I took no pictures. 
I don't have a camera and my cell phone has too many photos. 
I felt off the whole day. 
Most of the day I really wanted to be alone. 
Me; the extrovert.
I watched endless episodes of "Gilmore Girls";
 not stopping until I looked at my watch,
 horrified that it was past the time to go to bed. 
The house; a wreck. 
I hardly picked up a thing. 
I go to bed with an empty feeling. 
It's not until the morning,  
when I walk out into the living room and survey the damage. 
Boxes and tissue paper. 
Stockings and their contents spilled out. 
Little space not consumed by the lack of my attention to anything yesterday. 
It dawns on me. 
A video I started watching the other day. 
A family I have heard of, but know little about. 
A link I happened to click on. 
A family with many children and their traditions. 
Their family motto. 
Jesus first, Others next, Yourself last. 


There it is. 
All day yesterday was about me. 
What did I get for gifts. 
I didn't want to cook. 
I wanted to watch TV. 
I was justified. 
Everyday I work hard. 
I hardly ever sit. 
So, this day. 
This Christmas. 
I was taking a break. 
It was all about me. 
No wonder I went to bed feeling so empty. 
As nice as it was so sit. 
I did it at the expense of Jesus and Others. 
I didn't serve my family in any way. 
There could have been little things I had done to still slow down for the day. 
But my focus changed and I felt it. 
The heartache I feel at Christmas will never go away. 
His stocking will always be empty. 

The tags I find with his name on them will never be used again. 
The jammies I wanted to buy and the gifts I wanted to give will remain unpurchased. 
And the dreams he had and wanted, will never be. 
That is not for me to decide. 
God ordained before the beginning of time the length and number of Elijah's days. 
The plan God's.
Not mine. 
I will miss what God will do, if "I" am in the way. 

While I worked hard to do nothing yesterday, I missed photo opportunities. 
I missed conversations or moments of memories made.
Moments to clear my phone of pictures to make room for new ones. 
New memories, new hope. 

I missed that because "I" got in the way. 
It's not too late to change. 
The coffee is on. 
The radio may have ceased the Christmas Carols. 
But my heart can find the melody. 
Even when your walk is strong and your faith deep. 
The way can be hard. 
I am pushing the "I" away today. 
I think the family motto from the video I watched was a gift sent by God. 
I just missed it at first. 
Today I see it. 

Jesus first, Others next -Yourself last.

May you find the time to grab something hot and listen to this beautiful song. 

God is with us. God is for us.
God is in us. 

Casting Crowns
God Is With Us

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