Friday, December 12, 2014

He Held All These Moments First

There are no Christmas decorations. 
Actually there is no one home. 
I do not have my key, because it is still on the key chain that I can hardly bear to look at. 
So different from the years gone by. 
There are leaves all over the driveway and yard. 
More signs of change.
Dad always kept his yard free of leaves and such. 
It's almost too much to bear.
The heaviness and magnitude of all that is gone weighs me down. 
Each step towards the door; agonizing. 
I notice everything out of place. 
I see what's been moved. 
New pictures on the wall. 
I stand in the door way. 
I breathe deep. 
I question why I have come here. 
What am I doing here? 
But no matter where I go. . . there is loss. 
At home it's Elijah. Here it is mom. 
And the seven months that separate their loss wraps around my heart. 
This walk is hard. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
To step into Hope. 
To set my mind above. 
I dig. 
I reach deep to the truths that I know. 
I can not change the circumstances.
I turn to the memories for their warmth. 
Interesting, they don't sting so much. 
Mom's chair;

brings images of her sitting with her coffee,
laughing or telling a story. 
Looking at pictures. 
Oh, how she loved her pictures. 
A wall in the office, covered with all those she held dear. 
Family, friends. 
She never met a stranger. 
I can see her planning our day out. 
Lunch, shopping. 
Always shopping. 
Me who abhors shopping, loved it with her. 
She loved to shop. 
I hover in the memories. 
I walk around the house. 
I thank God for the gift of family. 
Once again the ache slowly gives way. 
The God of the Universe Can handle all my pain. 
He will guide our hearts each moment. 
His love for us is everlasting. 
May you anticipate that love this Advent Season. 

Expect great things. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

He will make a way. 
For me; for you.
Wonderful truths that God will share. 
In spite of the hurt. 
In the middle of the darkness. 
He will shine. 

Living in these precious moments. 
They are fleeting. 
But they are beautiful. 
Because God held them first. 

PSalm 102:11-12
My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass.
But you, LORD, sit enthroned forever; 
your renown endures through all generations.

The Hurt and the Healer

So here I am 
What's left of Me
Where Glory meets my suffering

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