Thursday, June 23, 2016

Saying, "Yes", When You Want to Scream, "No"

They say his name. 
Cleaning out a closet they find something that was his. 
I just want to hear his name called. 
I miss saying it. 
You see when your son is taken. 
Things change. 
So when they mention his name. 
My heart skips a beat. 
17 years of memories. 
His future just beginning. 
I long for that which I can not have. 

We're going to the drive in. 
A place I have avoided. 
A place I have tried to find excuses not to go. 

So far. 
It's worked. 

This time. 
There was no easy way to say no. 
My friend asked if we wanted to go. 
Our families. 
Feeling brave. 
I said, "yes".

Later my friend, so sensitive,
 recognized that this might be hard. 
I told her it was ok. 

It is ok to journey to the the last place my son went. 
The drive in.
The night he never came home. 
He couldn't find his debit card. 
I raided our "laundry money". 
He was so excited. 
His girl friend was home. 
He hadn't seen her in weeks. 
July 27. 
He went. 
Never to return. 
His bed empty. 
A heart ache that never ends. 
My life forever changed. 

Here I am. 
Almost 3 years later. 
He is not here. 
He resides with the King of All Kings. 
And I miss him. 
I get tired of the missing. 
I get tired of wanting our family to be whole. 
In so many ways the LORD has reached down and soothed that ache. 
He has allowed me much grace to walk this road. 
He has never left our side. 
His presence felt when the way is hard. 

 Yet this I fight against. 
The driven in. 
I don't want to do this. 
This is a place I do not want to go. 

Isn't that the way? 
We fight what we need to go through. 
The pain of growing. 
Becoming more like him. 
That's all I've ever wanted. 
Was to be like Him. 
A heart that yields. 
A life well lived. 

So, I will go. 
I will do yet another hard thing. 

This missing is hard work. 
Because you spend your time trying not to miss. 
Trying to be whole. 
Oh how sweet the LORD is as he reaches down and comforts us. 

When we do the hard thing,
 God shows up in ways we could not imagine. 

He offers grace. 

We made new memories at the drive in. 

Ones I will cherish forever. 

Grab hold of the journey God has placed you on. 

He will guide your steps. 
He's never promised it would be easy. 
But he has promised to travel with you. 

Don't be afraid of the hard things. 
Stop putting off what needs to be done. 
He will carry you when you can't go further. 
He will hold you like no other. 
You are held. 
He will reach the deepest parts and fill them with His Holy Spirit. 

Standing on those promises today. 
And a lot of coffee. 
Because going to the drive in means a late night.

Won't you join me? 
Standing on those promises? 

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Natalie Grant

"Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

"That the promise was, when everything fell,
We'd be held..."

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