Saturday, June 18, 2016

Forced Seclusion Begins a Much Needed De-Cluttering

I'm forced to seclusion.
My allergies overpowering. 
My air conditioned bedroom; my reprieve.
Haying, lawn mowing, beautiful blossoms;
all causing me discomfort. 
So, I head to my bedroom. 
On a gloriously sunny day. 
I am forced to look at the clutter. 
The piles of clothes. 
The boxes of paper. 

Most of it needing to go. 
I begin the process. 
Cards sent when our world shattered. 
When our first born son was called to glory at 17. 
When cancer threatened to take a good man down. 
When the joy thief knocked harshly on my farmers door. 
Cards of encouragement. 
Cards with gifts and letters sharing stories. 
I hold these in my hand. 

I remember little from this time. 

I don't want to part with these cards. 
Lists of thank you's to write.
Never written. 
Because how do you thank 100's of people?
Notes from meals left on our door step. 
These papers slip through my fingers to the recycling. 
I think on that time. 
I allow the grief to wash over me. 
I clear a space on the floor. 
It's been two years since I have seen that space. 
I feel a bit lighter. 
I continue through the box. 
I find the thank you notes Elijah had written and not sent. 

His handwriting. 
So unique. 
The tears well. 
I want to stop. 
I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of the amount of clutter. 
The memories. 

 I continue on. 

I must.

The mess and the clutter in this room are weighing me down. 

I am a prisoner; held by clutter and things. 

Held by dust and and the inability to vacuum or walk safely. 

This is agonizing. 
I want to hold on to these cards forever. 
I want to go back. 
I want my world to be normal again. 
Before death. 
Before cancer. 
When we were whole and intact. 
I let the tears flow. 
I think about Elijah. 
Oh, how I miss him. 
This seems so cruel. 
The loss of a child. 

I get to the bottom of the box. 
I have found 2 gift cards given to us. 
I have read words of beautiful encouragement. 
Strength; in words. 
All holding us close. 
I reach the end of the second box. 
The piles; diminishing. 
I save a few things and find a home for them. 
I hang clothes and throw away ripped items. 
I let go of recycling and reusing for a few minutes. 
The guilt is overwhelming. 
But I persevere. 
This needs to be done. 
I continue to read cards sent from all over. 

My soul finds peace. 

I breathe deeply the reminder that God will never leave us nor forsake us. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Words that I have listened to over and over. 
Words that I have read and been strengthened by. 

My allergies have calmed down. 
I continue to sort through the piles. 
Day by day and moment by moment I will conquer this clutter. 
I begin to let go of the things that have controlled me for so long. 

It's been good to go through this de-cluttering process.

I will continue to press on in this journey. 

Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called
 me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

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