Show Me How What I Wanted Isn't Best For Me

It was Early Sunday Morning his Spirit left his earthly body. 

In the wee hours.
While the night was still dark. 

While I slept. 

My boy left this earth.

The shock of those days have lessened. 

They still fill me with a sickening feeling when I think of them. 

There is much I still do not know about that time. 

I can't. 

It was Sunday morning when the heaven's declared God's majesty.

Oh how our hearts ache.
We long for this to be a bad dream.
I want something I can never have.
Each morning I wrestle with the knowledge that Elijah will never come home. 
His room, still the same as the day he left.
Some clothes I can't bear to move.
Sometimes I feel stuck.
Like, if I wait long enough, things will change.
He will come home. 
So the struggle becomes the journey.
My soul needs to be recharged.
Refocused.
This is a daily task.
Sometimes moment by moment.
My heart hurts.
My family different.
There will always be a space.
Someone missing.
It will consume and over power me if I let it.
The negative thoughts, the pain.
I breathe deep. 
My prayer has become, "show me Lord ."

Psalm 5:8
Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies-- 
make your way straight before me.

Show me how to live this way.
Show me how what I wanted, wasn't best for me.
Change my heart. 
Show me where my steps should travel.
Place before me the folks I need to touch;
the folks that my soul needs.
God will equip me for the rest of this life's journey.
I will rest in the hope of a risen Savior.
I will cling to the Ancient Word.
 I find peace in the moment. 

Psalm 91:11
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

I Still Don't Have Eyes To See; I Miss So Much

Once again I missed it.

 Someone else brought to my attention the obvious. 

How God has used his creation to show his heart.

 Literally. 

I missed it the morning Elijah stepped into Eternity. 

The heaven's declared their majesty in the shape of  a heart.

Psalm 19:1 

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

I missed the heart.

 But I caught the colorful display in a picture. 

It wasn't until later that someone pointed out the heart. .

So, I missed it again. 

In a picture. 

God used his creation to share another heart. 

A reminder of his infinite love. 

His desperate pursuit of us. 

A heart. 

A symbol of love. 

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; 

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

He uses the details of this life to remind us of his Glory. 

He is the everlasting. 

It is only in Him I find my strength. 

It is a daily letting go. 

Reaching towards the "what I know".

When the weight is heavy and the future seems devoid of hope; 

let the praises start to flow. 

God inhabits the praises of his people. 

Psalm 22:3

Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.

May my eyes continue to be opened to the blessings He pours out. 

In the Protestant tradition we often us a doxology to offer praise as the end of a service or gathering. 

We sang it on Elijah's first birthday in heaven. 

A reminder to step out into praise. 

It is a conscious act for me. A deliberate choice. 

So is seeking God's majesty in His creation. 

Offer a sacrifice of praise; when your heart is anywhere but there. 

Offer it anyway. 

Grab a warm cup of something. 

Find a quiet space and listen to this Doxology. 

Offer the praise. 

Psalm 116:17

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD

Praise God  from whom all blessings flow.

Praise Him all creatures here below. 

Praise Him above Ye Heavenly Host. 

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. 

Thy Faithfulness

I glance out the window. 

It is a pink sunrise and even after almost 8 months my heart drops.

The same color as the morning Elijah met Jesus.

The morning I still can't reconcile with. 

The morning that my life changed forever.
When time stood still. 

Yet the morning that caused  me to say;

His mercies are new every morning. 

It is what I entitled the picture. 

And they are. 

His Mercies are. . . new. . . every morning. 

Each and every one. 
Mercy that we don't deserve. Grace beyond measure.
All new. . . each morning.
Find it. Seek it.
The hope that is steadfast.
The stillness that leads me to the cross.
The quiet where I seek shelter from the storm that rages around me.
How great is His love for us.
It is vast beyond all measure.
His Faithfulness; great.

Lamentations 3:23
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

There is Great Grace, And There is Still Beauty

My kids found these teenagers a few years ago on youtube. 

They love listening to their harmonies. 

As a child my family would sing this hymn,gathered around the

 piano, with my Grandmother or Uncle playing the piano like there was no tomorrow. 

Oh how they would sing and harmonize. 

My cousins family sings like that.

 It's a beautiful thing. 

Those are years of memories forever etched into my being.

This song became near and dear to us as mom began her journey with cancer;

as she stepped ever heavenward. 

Oh how she would sing this song with certainty that,

 "Because I know He Holds the Future. . .And life is worth the living (even when you have cancer) Just Because He Lives."

He lived and died to buy my pardon. . .

 Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

 because He lives, all fear is gone. 

I can face tomorrow.

There are days that I don't want to. 

This journey is agonizing.

It is not right. 

And nothing in my being wants to make it right. 

But Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. 

And I know for Elijah, As death gave way to Victory,

He stood and saw those lights of Glory. 

God's handiwork has been so evident in the landscape and in the heavens lately.

I do not want to miss these gifts of beauty. 

Because even though there is unbearable pain;

there is still beauty. 

Psalm 8:3-5

When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

w

hich you have set in place,

 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them,

    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels

    and crowned them with glory and honor.

And as the colorful display gives way to stark barrenness.

There is still beauty. 

It is hidden.

It will take a change of seasons.

But it is there. 

I walk again with a friend.

It's been a week. 

This walking helps. 

It distracts.

It gives focus.

I am grateful. 

So many instances of grace. 

And when I ponder that grace;

grace given at the expense of His Son.

I can barely breathe.

And there is still beauty.

Even in this mess. 

We continue to work this farm.

We continue to give Praise to God for his gift of grace.

We await our first grandchild. 

We await Gary's surgery.

We mourn the loss of our son.

And there is great beauty.

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the LORD your God

 who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,

 Do not fear; I will help you.

There is great grace. . .

A Love Story, Happy 20th Anniversary to My Farmer

September 17, 2013 facebook post

20 years ago today, I went to work and then headed to the farm to help finish chores. Gary and I went to the Tunbridge Fair. It was a gorgeous fall night. Little did I know what the evening held in store. A few hours later,  my best friend asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, to serve God and continue our friendship as husband and wife. He gave me his great grandmothers ring. Which fit perfectly. We got married less than a month later. . . that story in a few weeks. . .

Well, it's been a few weeks. . .and here is the rest of the story:

 On September 17,1993 I became engaged.
The very thought, even to this day brings a smile to my face.
It was romantic and magical and. . . not what my farmer had planned.
He had wanted to propose on the Ferris Wheel.
Even back then, I was too cheap. 
And the thought of paying all that money to ride the Ferris Wheel seemed ridiculous.
So, he asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, serving God together and continuing our friendship as husband and wife in. . . the horse barn. 
I was so surprised. 
Of course I said yes. 

Early the next morning I hurried to my soon to be Mother in Law's. 
A twinkle in her eye, so much like her son, made me realize, she already knew.
There was a flurry of excitement as the word spread.
(That happens in a large, close knit family)
And before 9:00 in the morning we were off to look for wedding gowns and begin the planning.

By that afternoon, we had purchased a gown and set a date.
We would marry in less than 4 weeks. 
But for this family, 4 weeks is nothing.
And within days all the details of a full wedding were complete. 

Somehow, there was enough time to surprise me with a bridal shower.

October 16, 1993
 would dawn a beautiful day.
I was marrying the one I had prayed for; my best friend.

Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

The reception was in the new barn we were building.
All festive for the fall theme. 

Jimmy brought me to my dad in a horse and buggy.
That didn't work out so well for me.
Ask me about that sometime. . .
It was a wild ride.

Dad after the wild ride. . .walking me down the aisle. 

He will always be my hero.

Dementia can't take that. . . 

To honor Chelsea and help her feel a part of the ceremony,we surprised her with a ring.

It matches her dads.

Even though her daddy was getting married. She would always hold his heart. 

Until Adam came and stole it away. . .

and made her the happiest girl on earth. . .

I had planned every detail of that wedding. . .or so I thought.

Part way through the ceremony. . . the Road Crew. . .(the band Gary played in) all surrounded us. . .

And my farmer sang me a love song that we still cherish to this day. 

It was a magical day. One I would do over and over again if I could. 

We had so much fun. 

These 20 years have been rich and full.

Our marriage hasn't been perfect. 

We have  fallen short of the glory of God many times. 

We forget to keep NO record of wrongs, we forget to be patient and kind.
We forget how fun date night can be. 

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But God's mercy and grace has followed us in a mighty way,
 as we have sought Him in our marriage.

If you look just below the middle of the photo, you will see a cloud in the shape of a circle. 

This was during the exchange of our rings during the ceremony.

A beautiful display of God's majesty in the heaven's. . .

 And 20 years later, on the morning of the death of our son, 

God displayed his majesty again, in the shape of a heart. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

We have known great joy.

And lately, we have known deep, agonizing sorrow and uncertainty.
We have been blessed to have 20 years together.
I hope for many more. 
But more importantly, I hope to finish well.
I hope we have served God with all we have.
That our love, in some way,
 has mirrored the love Christ has for us.
And that God would continue to heal our broken hearts.

Happy Anniversary Gary Lee, my beloved farmer.
You still make me swoon, you still take my breath away.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for modeling what a Godly man looks like for our children.
And thank you for holding us all together when we feel like our world is falling apart.
It is an honor to be your wife and journey together in this life.