Little Giggles And Big Tears. . . Filled The Gaping Hole

It's the beginning of March. 

And it's cold. 

The bone chilling, deep freeze of February hasn't lost it's grip. 

The farmer is so cold. 

He can't seem to get warm. 

These are just some of the changes that cancer will make. 

Sometimes the whole picture is just so overwhelming I can't even look. 

The strength to move forward waning 

Today I was reminded of the beauty of relationship and the power of woman being together. 

The beauty of grace and corporate prayer. 

I was reminded of sweet children and little laughs and big tears. 

I gathered up all those pieces today and filled the huge hole in my heart.

 I stuffed each laugh and tear right into the hole.  

I took big breaths when I thought of Elijah as a little boy.

I squeezed my eyes tight when I remembered those days of  5 children and car seats and diaper bags. 

I swallowed hard at the hopes that are dashed. 

I rested in the comfort of being with women; of seeking God's direction. 

Tonight when I climbed those stairs to say good night to the kids. 

I paused in his doorway. 

I breathe in deep the scent that has dissipated.
Longing for something tangible that can't be. 

I leaned against the door frame and resisted the desire to shout and beg why. 

Instead, I said goodnight, I miss you so very much. 

And I held my heart. And I took those big breaths and thought of the giggles and tears. 

I pushed them further into the hurt. 

I slowly walked down those stairs. 

Cedric was still out. 

The uneasy feeling began to creep in. 

Isaiah 26:3-4

You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
    for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

It's the feeling I had every time Elijah left the house. 

I need to grasp the truth. 

I open the Ancient Word to my reading. 

God was with those Israelites. Every step they took. 

I need to lean into that grace. I need to hold on tight to the promises. 

I can not do one step of this weary journey on my own. 

God will never turn his back on me. 

So, I will reach out. 

I will rest. 

I will hope. 

He will meet me there. 

This mountain rises highter. The way seems so unclear
But I know you go with me so I will never fear
I will trust in you
Whatever will come our way. . . 
We won't be shaken. . . 
Together we will rise and sing. 

Building 429  We Won't Be Shaken