Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Just Because

It's still there. 
I breathe in deep. 
Just a hint of his smell. 
I hold his pillow. 
I lay my cheek on the softness. 
I rock back and forth. 
I linger in the memories. 
It's the missing that can consume.
A desire around the pain.
Any way but through.
The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom.

We sit at the dinner table. We light his candle. 
We just miss him so much. 
And at some point you have to just stop the missing. 
Because He's not coming back.
All the uncomfortable shouts at us. 
Cedric balks at going to summer camp. 
His sister asks him 5 good reasons. 
He gives us 1. 
The day he came back from camp was the day his brother died. 

He never saw his brother when he returned. 
He didn't need to give us any others. 
These are the unexpected pieces of pain.
They are raw, subtle,  chafing. 

We talk about grace and seeing God's goodness.
 I think of all the ways He has provided for our family through this rough season.
They are too numerous to count.
Even today. A gift in the mail.
How would they know parts ordered for the swinger would leave us undone.
Would cause us to wonder what we're doing.
Would do nothing to alleviate the farmers walk in the dark pit. 
We have one step forward, too many to count backwards.
And there it was.
In the mail.
Unknown giver.
Blessed receiver.
It's the way of the cross. Grace given, Mercy received.
All because we are loved.
A gift for all Humanity.
Nothing earned.
All given.
Just because.
He first loved.

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

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