When You Become the Same Age as Your Brother

He's turning 17.

That farm boy. 

The same age as his brother. 

No longer here. 

The two so similar.

Yet so different. 

My heart aches. 

The farm boy is full of ideas.

So creative.

Full of energy and youth. 

He loves deeply.

Plays hard.

Confident. 

Yet is haunted by the joy thief. 

He rises to fight. 

He digs deep to keep two feet planted. 

He's growing corn; trading vehicles. 

Making payments on a tractor. 

Building his future. 

Yet these things he holds lightly in view of eternity. 

Because that's his desire. 

A life lived in surrender. 

No matter the struggle. 

While he works to create his path,

 he rests in the One who is making that path. 

I watch as the farm boy heads out the door. 

I think about the day he was born. 

Labor beginning just as the alarm sounds to head to the barn at 3 a.m.. 

His arrival at 4:19 a.m.

Born just as milking begins. 

Quick.

He's grown about 5 inches this year. 

No longer a young boy. 

He's a man. 

And it's hard on the mama. 

I want to fight his battles. 

I want the world to be nice to him. 

I want to shield him from the death of his brother and everything else.

He's my boy. 

But he is God's boy first. 

And long ago on a Sunday morning I handed over the

authority to the One who called us to life. 

I surrendered this beautiful child to the King of all Kings. 

I remember that vow. 

I hold tightly to knowing God is fighting for him; more than me. 

God is rejoicing over him. 

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you,

    the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,   

 but will rejoice over you with singing.

So today, I rejoice. 

It is work. 

Some day it won't be. 

I walk the path of gratitude for his life. 

I shake off the "what ifs". 

Happy Birthday Cedric Trevor Davis. 

You are a gift and a treasure. 

I looking forward to how God will use you for His glory. 

Thank you for your energy and zest in this life. 

May your blue eyes always twinkle. 

Celebrating The Farm Boy!

My farm boy is 16 today. 
2 birthdays celebrated without his best friend and brother. 
 A new way of living for him. 
Pushing, pulling, stretching boundaries. 
Reaching to find. . . who he is. 
Life dealing him lemons. 
His soul learning to make lemonade. 
His view of life; so different from mine. 
Lessons learned at every turn. 
His path bumpy at times. 
Yet so willing to adapt to the conditions. 
This is my boy. 
Honored at school with an award and a gift. 
Given for "his love of life."
His quest to press on. 

He may walk through this life in an unconventional manner. 

A manner I am learning to appreciate. 

Happy 16th birthday my boy. 
You bring me great joy. 

You teach me each day, 
"It's all how you look at it."

Re-posting last years thoughts. 

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I wake with a start. 

The pressure strange. 

I struggle to my feet. 

The waters of life stir. 

It's time. 

I call the hospital. 

I call my mother in law. 

My farmer wakes as the alarm rings. 

His normal waking hour. 

I let him know it's time. 

This child already in tune with the milking schedule.

With 3 sleeping children in the house, we head toward life. 

It is quick. 

We barely make it to the hospital before the final pushes. 

Fast and furious. 

He arrives. 

A surprise.

We always wait. 

Cedric Trevor Davis.

Named for the Grandfather taken too soon; who worked and toiled the land.

Our precious son.

We are blessed.

The recovery easy.

Life continues.

Marches on.

Year after year. 

He is 15 today.

He will take his permit test tomorrow. 

It's time. 

He has grown 4 inches since we buried his brother. 

He stands head and shoulders above me.

He wrestles with all that life has thrown him. 

Part wreckless, part staunch responsibility. 

This boy who arrived so quickly and hasn't stopped since, is my joy.
He who does all, in his own timing.

There is something about mama's and their boys. 

One for me is no more. I hold onto this one.

I pray I don't hold too tight. 

I pray that God will spare him and his siblings. 

I plead for more time. 

I beg Him to allow the angel of death to never pass this way too early again. 

But was it too early?

All is in the palm of God's hand. 

All in it's time. 

I will spend a life time in knots if I hang on the edge.
Waiting on His timing takes all.

Reaching again for grace, I hold on to the now. 
Resting in the plan by One wiser than I. 
Knowing that all is in it's time.

The birth. 

The joy. The glory.
The memories. 

We celebrate. 

We rejoice.

Happy 15th Birthday Cedric.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

He's #10 but wear's a #6

I reach into the pile. 

I pull out his shooting shirt. 

It is nice and white. 

I smile. 

He's playing so well this year. 

A place for him to burn off steam. 

It's been such a hard year. 

The number catches me off guard. 

#6

Wait. . . he's #10.

I am reminded one brother wears the shirt of the other. 

A number now retired in memory of one so young. 

A jersey signed by all his team mates. 

My heart aches. 

This journey day to day can get heavy. 

Thoughts and memories swirl. 

The loss of a child never leaves you. 

Your heart is never the same. 

Life is forever altered. 

I close my eyes and I can see his face. 

I hear his laughter echo in my mind. 

While I try to move forward each day the reminders are always there. 

I hold the shirt to my face. 

My #10 wears his brother's shirt. 

He proudly where's the #6 under his #10. 

For a moment I hold in my hand my boys together. 

How I miss that. 

My boys. 

We are approaching another graduation. 

I struggle to stay in the present. 

To live in this moment. 

My mind wanders to another graduation.

The final days of my boys life and I didn't know it. 

Yet, the sweet and tender mercies given to us in that time. 

How everything shines in technicolor from those days. 

Such vivid memories. 

All the excitement. 

A new journey. 

We all struggle with trying to remain in the moment. 

To be present and grateful for here and now. 

Each of us carry the weight of our trials. 

I fold the shirt. 

I place it in the pile. 

He will wear this shirt today at his game. 

He will put it on. 

No one will know that under his #10 he wears a #6. 

Each day we clothe our selves with virtue. 

Whether you ascribe to a moral code or not. 

Choices are made. 

Armour placed. 

I choose this day to serve the Lord. 

This day I choose to lay my heart before the LORD. 

He will take the broken pieces and hold them together. 

I will plant my feet on solid ground. 

It is by his grace I will walk through another graduation. 

My eyes will search for truth. 

I will remember His faithfulness and His promises. 

By his grace I will remain present in all that is taking place. 

What will your armor be today? 

Ephesians 6:11

Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.