New Life

I hold her baby.

A beautiful bundle of sweetness.

 I look at this girl.

This beautiful mom. 

I think how blessed I am. 

I am the step mom. 

A woman she did not ask for in her life. 

Circumstances beyond her control. 

Yet, she has opened her heart and let me in. 

She has shared so much of who she is with me. 

She's daddy's girl you know. 

And another stole her heart.  

And now I hold her second born. 

I want to weep. 

I want to weep for my boy. 

I want to weep for all that will not be. 

And all that will be. 

The pace of life travelling on. 

Moving. 

Ebbing. 

It's hard to catch your breath sometimes. 

You want to stay in the here and now. 

Press on. 

Move forward. 

Yet the tension remains of leaving behind part of your heart;

 part of who you are. 

I hold the newest child. 

Evie Ann Brittain. 

She joins big sister, Lilah Rose Brittain

Who, only the other day, seemed to be the baby. 

The future. 

Hope. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 

do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Each day is a risk. 

We choose to love and live. 

We choose joy. 

We are not guaranteed anything. 

Moments lived to make minutes; which become a lifetime. 

All held in the Father's hand. 

So I breathe in the scent of baby. 

I close my eyes. 

Here is the next generation. 

The oldest Farm girl will pass down the stories 

and all that farm life encompasses. 

She will nurture the hope that comes. 

We will share about her Uncle. 

Uncle Elijah. 

We will share his love for his Creator. 

My farmer and I will watch. 

We will guide when asked. 

We will marvel. 

We will give praise for new life.

Rays of Sunshine

The sun streams through the one window not covered by blankets. 

My farmer is finishing up chores. 

The farm boy has come in to play guitar and unwind before he heads to school.

How that boy is changing. 

He is shaking off the ways of this world;

letting of of the anger and hurt. 

Reaching for the holy and true. 

Slowly the sharp edges are becoming smooth. 

A bit of grace on the farm. 

The milk checks grow thinner. 

The transition date seems miles away. 

The cold settles in. 

Much to lead to the path of discouragement. 

It's test day. 

And I don't know what to feel. 

I don't know how to pray. 

So I step to gratitude. 

Because when all else falls around you, there is still praise. 

There is still a world of hope. 

The sun shining through the window as the wind whips and howls reminds me of the power of light in the darkness. 

Only a small light is needed to pierce the empty, cold space. 

May you see streams of light in your day today. 

Illuminating the dark places. 

Bringing sweet peace and strength. 

The verse today from the Incourage Twitter:

"Prayer is the portal that brings the power of heaven down to earth"

(Fervent, pg 5)

When the Missing is Deep

Hi Elijah. 

I miss you so much. 

They are coming out with a new Star Wars movie. 

The products are all over the place. 

It's been so fun to look - at all the stuff. 

To remember when I was a kid. 

But then. . .

I got to the Lego aisle. 

And I still can't stop the racking sobs. 

They threaten to undo me. 

Our last Christmas together you got a Star Wars Lego kit. 

You were a Senior in High School. 

Enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. 

Yet the one item you pulled yourself away from the family for was, a lego set. 

Bought on a whim. 

Last minute. 

Yet so loved. 

It sat on the piano until you met Jesus. 

Someone cleaned up. 

They didn't know that you would have put that together 7 months prior. 

That I left it there to remind me of you. 

When we were mourning and rejoicing over Nana's homegoing. 

I can still so vividly see you on the floor. 

Your large hands manipulating those pieces together. 

Me calling you over to finish opening presents. 

But all you wanted was to put the Legos together. 

Oh how I long for you. 

It is a cruel twist of circumstances that leave a mama without her boy. 

And while I trust with all of my being in the God of the Universe. 

My soul aches for you. 

My flesh.

My heartbeat. 

My red head. 

I long to fill your stocking with all the fun lego pieces. 

I long to talk to you about the movie. 

To hear all your thoughts and criticisms. 

To enjoy the hype. 

But those things have been torn from me. 

Ripped away in a moment. 

Leaving a hole and an ache; crater size. 

I bought pajamas's for everyone to wear on Christmas Eve; minus your pair. 

In the quiet of the morning I shed these tears. 

I fall to my knees as I gasp for air the pain so intense. 

But I can't stay here. 

I can't remain. 

This beautiful tree in the parlor of your ancestors. 

Is a symbol of light. 

The light that came into the world. 

Light that penetrated the darkness. . . 

To save us. 

To restore and cleanse us. 

The future and hope of all Nations. 

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

He took on sin so we can live. 

Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

We have hope in the form of a child. 

A promise given. 

One day, my dear son, I will see you again. 

I don't know what it will look like. 

I don't really understand. 

But I have the blessed assurance. 

Until then. . . .

I ache for you with all of my being. 

Yet I will place my feet firmly on the ground. 

I will step into Truth. 

I will not be blinded by the lies that threaten to pull me under. 

With each breath I have here I will strive to live as Christ commands. 

It is not about me. 

At all.

It's not about making sure I am happy.

It has nothing to do with me. 

It is all about the surrendering. 

The journey to the Manger. 

Laying before him my gifts and treasures. 

To be used. 

For Him.

For His Glory. 

That He might receive All Praise and Honor. 

 The journey to the Cross.

Where Once for All was given. 

A hope. 

A light. 

A promise. 

The assurance for all Eternity. 

This you know my dear Elijah. 

This you all understand now. 

I pray that God will strengthen my weary heart. 

That I may remain faithful until I am called home. 

Until then my dear, precious son. 

Until then. 

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Every Time I See Purple. . . I Think of Her

He wore purple to the Missions Night. 
Our Youth Pastor. 
He didn't know it was the Eve of her home going. 
It made me think of her. 
She would have loved his outfit. 
She would have told him. 
So, I did. 
And today she's been gone for 3 years. 
Her smile and laughter missed by all who knew her. 
This is a repost from last year. 
It is my walk. 
The journey God has placed before me. 
I am grateful I worked through the tough season with my mom to be able to love and serve her in her last days her on this earth. 
If you have relationships that are fragmented. 
Work. 
To make them holy. 
Strive to be peace. 
I for one am grateful I did. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She Loved God, She loved purple, She was our Mom
December 5, 2014

She loved purple.

She loved God. 

She and my dad fought often during their married life. 

Good old knock down drag out fights. 

Yet loved fiercely. 

They stayed true to the institution of marriage. 

Maybe that was the secret. 

Things weren't left undone. 

For better, or worse. 

Her home was immaculate. 

She and my dad built their dream log cabin in the woods. 

They had plans to travel. 

God had other plans.

She would travel; 
but mostly only as far as Boston; to the inside of a hospital.

Cancer would be her companion for 9 years. 

She would learn to live with this unwanted roommate. 

Her life not much altered. 

Cancer would not have the last word; 

she prayed. 

She trusted. 

Even when my dad showed signs of shacking up with the memory thief. 

She never wavered. 

She just added doctors visits and chemo to her daily tasks 
and busy social calendar. 

She persevered with a fierce resolve.

Her cancer became a blessing. 

For a season of my life I was at odds with my mom. 

Our views of the world different. 

Hers, through rose colored glasses; me through concrete realism. 

Until one day, with the help of my Mother in law, I began to see that relationship in a different light. 

A changed perspective; work. 

A relationship worth fighting for. 

And I did. 

I changed. 

God blessed. 

I had the honor and privilege of caring for my mom. 

And I miss her. 

It is two years since she journeyed home to be with Jesus. 

Two years of some of the hardest moments I've ever experienced. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. 

I am reminded of her in so many ways. 

A random purple gift bag in with the Christmas ones, 

A purple Christmas tree in a shop. 

A laugh; each Christmas ornament on the tree,
 given to each of the kids, each year. 

A legacy. 

A reminder. 

This Christmas Season as we celebrate, I think about my mom. 

She made Christmas beautiful and holy. 

It was magical and reverent all at the same time. 

Even Santa bowed low to the Magnificence of a Savior born.

Her enthusiasm was contagious. 

She never met a stranger. 

She loved music; all kinds. 

And now she dwells with the Most High. 

Her pain all gone. 

She also resides with my boy. 

And I am sure there is great rejoicing in the heavenly realms. 

Mom, I am grateful for the years I was able to spend with you. 

I am glad God helped to make our relationship what it was. 

I am so thankful for your witness to our living God. 

Because I never would have been able to walk this road with out the rock solid faith you showed in every aspect of your life. 

Last year I wrote these words. And they resonate with my heart this day. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name
 above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All

Chris Tomlin

Jesus Messiah

When You're Decking the Halls and You Feel Like Checking Out

In a moment he was gone. 

The police stood at my door. 

Accident. 

Death. 

Wake. 

Funeral. 

All words connected to my child. 

What do you call a parent who has lost a child?

Who am I? 

I am broken hearted. 

I ache from deep within. 

Year 3 of Christmas without my boy. 
Year 4 without my mom. 

I am decking the halls. 

Playing Christmas music. 
Remembering. 

Every ornament I pull out I am reminded. 

His name; the year. 
Given by my mom. 

I quiet the onslaught of grief.
The lights of the tree twinkle gaily. 

This is a Season of Advent. 

A Season I have tried to control; corral every year. 
Expectations of beauty, warmth, joy. 

A season of waiting and preparation. 

Birth. 

Life. 

Bought with a price. 

Holiness. 

Truth. 

Grace.
Mercy. 

The God of the Universe becoming incarnate. 

For me. 

For you. 

He took on flesh that we might live. 

He willingly stepped into humanity knowing the grief he would endure. 

Mary bore the boy child. 

Knowing he was destined for more than she understood. 

She gave. 

She trusted. 

She waited. 

This Advent Season may find you joyous and grateful

 far beyond your wildest imagination. 

Or it may find you empty; yearning for more. 

Living with a deep ache. 

Who am I?

My identity lies not in the things around me. 
It is not defined by my children or husband. 
I am a child of the living God. 
I am loved beyond anything that I can fathom. 
I am rooted in Christ. 
Bought with the blood. 
Justified. 
Sanctified. 
That. Is who I am. 

May you pause this season to open your eyes. 

Be present in the moment. 

Ready to see what God with do. 

How he will show up. 
While you wait. 

I believe God has been showing me this very thing. 

When I want to crawl back into bed; 

to let the world around me continue on. 

My heart aching with the longing of that which I can not have. 

He beckons me to come. 

Come sit in His presence.

Commune with Him. 

Eyes wide open to see. 

The miracle he will do. 

In your heart and mine. 

When the world is crazy over gun shots and violence. 

When the news brings nothing but heartache. 

He reaches in and whispers,
Be Still my child. 

I am here. 

These events that are coming to pass have all slipped between my fingers before they came to be. 

He calls us to be obedient. 

To dig deep. 

To love our neighbor. 

To walk in love with those around us. 

This Season of Waiting and Preparation can be that. 
Find ways to give. 

Show up to the hurting and hopeless. 

With every Act of Love we Bring the Kingdom Come -Jason Gray 

Let's be different. 
From deep within. 

Psalm 95:6
Come, let us bow down in worship, 
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;

O Come All Ye Faithful
Chris Tomlin