Saturday, August 2, 2014

Heading out

We're heading home. 
We've had a rest. 
Time together. 
Charting new courses while keeping our eyes heaven focused. 
We don't know how to do the next steps. 
So we're open. 
Palms facing upward.
Ready for them to be filled.
The Power in the Blood remains.
There is no other way.

It's been a year since we travelled home.
Since we rested in Maine because of gifts from friends.
Now we're headed out again.
So similar to last years journey. . . except it's been a year. 
The grief still raw. 
The way paved through prayer and grace.

August 2013

I knew this would be hard. 
I didn't expect it to be easy. 
It's the coming home. . .after a loss. Things have changed. 

These were the words I wrote after we had lost our sweet puppy Pemberly. 

Oh how hard that was; 
and still is. 

We are coming home again. 
It's been good to be away.
Many generous people have worked together to make this trip happen.
Cards with money for gas.
Dinner bill already taken care of in a gift certificate held at the bar. 
Dedicated and tired hands doing chores to provide us a little respite.
But the thought of walking through that door called home to the pain. . . 
is agonizing.

Our home has always been a refuge; 
No matter how hard things have been.

Home has always been good. 

There is always room at our table. . .

We are a home that is built with prayer and God's word.

Now we are also a home that is grieving.

Grief that is still so raw. 

Grief that sneaks up and threatens to close in.
Grief that causes the 8 year old to tell this mommy, 
that when she has a little boy, would it be ok if she names him Elijah? 
Grief that causes hot tears to overflow when a kind gentleman 
asks if we want him to take  a picture of our whole family. 

What is whole? What does my whole family look like?
Do I explain to strangers that I am the mama of 6 kids with 2 in the grave? Step mama to one? Do we tell them Gary is the father to 9 with 4 in the grave now? 

So this coming home is going to be hard. 
And when I walk up those stairs and pass by the bedroom that 
echos with silence, the grief will be there. 

But all this I know. I know the pain and the torment. 
I also know the Power of the Blood of Christ.
I know that this pain is NOT too much for God. 
I have cried out to Him moment upon moment since my path took this turn.
And though my heart breaks and there are moments I long to scream; beg God to not make this so;
I have hope. And when the darkness threatens to overcome. . .and sometimes it does.
I find peace. 
When my mom's cancer was overwhelming her. 
She used to tell me she pictured herself crawling into God's lap. 

What a beautiful picture. 

I am not the lap crawling kind of girl.
But I am a Word seeking girl. 
And when I am overwhelmed, I turn to the only thing I know;
 and that is God's word. 

John 14: 27 
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 
I do not give to you as the world gives. 
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

So, as we journey home today. We will trust.

 Proverbs 3:5-6 says,
 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and 
lean not on your own understanding. 
In all your ways acknowledge him. And He will direct your paths. 

Just temporarily. 
Because this place is not our home. . . . 
Miss you Elijah. 

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