Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned

I want to avoid his room. 

I haven't been in for a while. 

Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. 

I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. 

I pick up and work for a while. 

When it's time to go downstairs. 

I avoid looking. 

It's been a year. . . and a week. 

How can I do this long term?

How can I survive this piercing pain? 

Some days it is so hard to function. 

I am distracted. 

Unsettled. 

Sad. 

Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. 

Seeking the beauty in the struggle. 

We can be consumed by despair. 

Driven by emotions. 

Justifying actions. 

The course has been set. 

Who am I to question? 

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns his face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, 

Bring many sons to glory

We sing the lyrics. 

My heart hurts. 

The Father turns his face away

The sinless Savior was abandoned.

He bore my sin. 

God turned from Him. 

For me. 

I can barely breathe. 

He turned his face. 

Yet, I am given the promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been extended mercy.

Why should I gain from His reward? 
I can not give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
 His wounds have paid my ransom. 

He will never leave me. 

He will never forsake me.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, 
but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

He has never left my side. 

Even in the pain of searing loss. 
He has lifted my feet to solid ground.
His face will never turn from us.
He will always be waiting.
Longing for us.
Until He returns.

No one is beyond His love.
No one is beyond His redemption.
He is waiting.
In repentance; forgiveness and restoration await.

How to Unsettle The Unsettling

I didn't get the coffee ready before I went to bed. 

I had a hard time falling asleep.

I was waiting for Clarissa to come home. 

And then I was restless. 

I woke to rain; and to a range of negative emotions. 

Searing loss. A laundry list of tasks to complete. 

Unsettled. 

The mundane.

Yet isn't it only mundane if I choose?

The darkness descends. 

The enemy is subtle in his ways. 

He seeks to discourage and confuse. 

To remind us of our weaknesses. 

Our tasks are offerings. 

Gifts. 

When the mundane creeps in we need to fight. 

First a good strong cup of coffee. 

Fight the urge to stay put. 

Move. 

Acts 17:28

For in him we live and move and have our being.' 

As some of your own poets have said, 

'We are his offspring.'

Move towards something. 

I move towards God's word.

To find a place to be in sweet communion with Him. 

The Author of Life. 

The giver of all good gifts. 

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows.

We fight the enemy with God's weapons. 

We nail discouragement and the mundane to the wall. 

We step into the grace given for the day. 

The hope available. 

I am turning my lips to praise this morning, even though I feel defeated. 

I am moving, though I want to hide. 

My soul is open to the pouring in. 

Being Holy whole. 

Isn't that what we are here for?

Aren't we new creations in Christ. 

Living for him. 

Repenting of our wayward ways. 

Walking into the forgiveness so freely given. 

The darkness begins to lift. 

The farmhouse is coming alive. 

The urgency of the day calls. 

My soul is stepping into peace. 

May your day be full of movement. 

Movement that leads to a richer and deeper relationship with Christ. 

May Hope Find You

The music plays in the background. 

 A song, somehow, I have not heard before. 

A story needing to be told. 

Another taken so young. 

It is staggering how many young men have been called home in a single car accident. 

Young men. 

Mama's sons. 

Daddy's boys. 

Sibilings. 

Children of God. 

The couple on the video tell their story. 

Their words resonate with my heart. 

This is not our home. 

This is not where we belong. 

It is the reminder. 

This journey is not over. 

We are heading home. 

We have the assurance of where Elijah is. 

He is waiting for us. 

There is joy in that journey. 

Each day different; seeking, stepping forward. 

Even when cancer knocked on the door during the deep grief.

The assurance of hope was there. 

2 Corinthians 8-9

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned;

 struck down, but not destroyed.

This Lord's day, as you go, may you be encouraged. 

May hope find you. 

Here is the story behind Michael W. Smiths "Coming Home."

Elijah is home. 

Where he belongs. 

We are the ones waiting. 

We will wait with hope. 

With encouragement for the lost. 

Grab a cup of coffee and a box of kleenex. 

Listen with me as I cry and yearn for my boy; as I long to pass hope on to others.

And as I  know with all my heart that He is home. 

Heading out

We're heading home. 

We've had a rest. 

Time together. 

Learning. 

Charting new courses while keeping our eyes heaven focused. 

We don't know how to do the next steps. 

So we're open. 

Palms facing upward.

Ready for them to be filled.
The Power in the Blood remains.
There is no other way.

It's been a year since we travelled home.
Since we rested in Maine because of gifts from friends.
Now we're headed out again.
So similar to last years journey. . . except it's been a year. 
The grief still raw. 
The way paved through prayer and grace.

August 2013

I knew this would be hard. 

I didn't expect it to be easy. 

It's the coming home. . .after a loss. Things have changed. 

These were the words I wrote after we had lost our sweet puppy Pemberly. 

Oh how hard that was; 

and still is. 

We are coming home again. 

It's been good to be away.

Many generous people have worked together to make this trip happen.

Cards with money for gas.

Dinner bill already taken care of in a gift certificate held at the bar. 

Dedicated and tired hands doing chores to provide us a little respite.

But the thought of walking through that door called home to the pain. . . 

is agonizing.

Our home has always been a refuge; 

No matter how hard things have been.

  

Home has always been good. 

There is always room at our table. . .

We are a home that is built with prayer and God's word.

Now we are also a home that is grieving.

Grief that is still so raw. 

Grief that sneaks up and threatens to close in.

Grief that causes the 8 year old to tell this mommy, 

that when she has a little boy, would it be ok if she names him Elijah? 

Grief that causes hot tears to overflow when a kind gentleman 

asks if we want him to take  a picture of our whole family. 

What is whole? What does my whole family look like?

Do I explain to strangers that I am the mama of 6 kids with 2 in the grave? Step mama to one? Do we tell them Gary is the father to 9 with 4 in the grave now? 

So this coming home is going to be hard. 

And when I walk up those stairs and pass by the bedroom that 

echos with silence, the grief will be there. 

But all this I know. I know the pain and the torment. 

I also know the Power of the Blood of Christ.

I know that this pain is NOT too much for God. 

I have cried out to Him moment upon moment since my path took this turn.

And though my heart breaks and there are moments I long to scream; beg God to not make this so;

I have hope. And when the darkness threatens to overcome. . .and sometimes it does.

I find peace. 

When my mom's cancer was overwhelming her. 

She used to tell me she pictured herself crawling into God's lap. 

What a beautiful picture. 

I am not the lap crawling kind of girl.

But I am a Word seeking girl. 

And when I am overwhelmed, I turn to the only thing I know;

 and that is God's word. 

John 14: 27 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

So, as we journey home today. We will trust.

 Proverbs 3:5-6 says,

 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and 

lean not on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge him. And He will direct your paths. 

Home.

Just temporarily. 

Because this place is not our home. . . . 

Miss you Elijah. 

Keep Our Wicks Trimmed And Burning

I stood in the field and watched. 

Lanterns to remember.

His classmates gathered together. 

Remembering. 

Prayers taking flight.

Each lantern rose higher and higher. 

Lights dotting the already starlit night. 

I wanted to reach out and somewhere find him in the group. 

I longed to see him.
Missing him deeply. 

Each lantern aglow, floating heavenward.
Beauty. 

Peace.
As I gazed around, I wondered, how many know that soul searching peace?

Two men, sons taken before them.

Stepping together through the fiercest of times.

We watched as the Lanterns faded.
Some counting shooting stars.
Quiet murmuring through the field.
Remembering.

Three lanterns pulled together.
I am sure there is some scientific phenomena for this.
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Three in One.
We are loved.
In Him we move and have our being for a purpose.

Acts 17:28
For in him we live and move and have our being.' 
As some of your own poets have said, 
'We are his offspring.'

May our light burn slowly and not fade.
We need to keep our wicks trimmed and burning.

Matthew 25:1 &2  25:13
"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins 
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 
Five of them were foolish and five were wise. . .
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour."

How a Community Grieves; A Year Later

Another repost from the archives. These days are still so fresh as we journey forward. We have had many, many visitors this year to the farm. Friends I have not seen in years, bringing hugs and love. All trying to make some sense of this difficult time. It has been a year of grace and trusting through the storms. Our farmhouse doors will remain open. We will walk the journey in this life with bowed knee and eyes lifted to the heavens. 

Psalm 121:1-4

I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

July 29, 204
How A Community Grieves a year later.
The teens and their families gather together. 
Their words are few. 
All remembering. 
All stepping forward. 
College. 
Jobs. 
A future. 

We remember. 

One year ago today. 

July 31, 2013

The day we welcomed our Community in to say Good Bye. 

What we received was completely unexpected. 

A town, a church, friends, family all affected by the life of such a wonderful young man. 

We had no idea. 

We had visitors again.

This time they received an open invitation.

They didn't have to come. 

It was just an offering. 

But come they did.

Young, old, students. friends, teachers, 

some whom we had never met, relatives. 

They came.

Broken, shattered with grief. 

When a community mourns. 

You don't feel alone.

For moments you're so supported.

We did not see this . We had no idea how long people were waiting. . 

Waiting to hold us and whisper love into our hearts. 

I didn't want the day to end. 

I knew what it meant.

I know what comes next.

The sum of a young man's life presented in the parlor of his home.

 Laid to rest where other relatives have predeceased him. 

None so young.

Treasures and stores of memories

Crazy Children

Lots of Love

 Blessings

And now Grace

We will miss hearing you play today; 

I bet the heavenly choir will be rockin'

But we know without a shadow of a doubt we will see him again. 

I love this song by JJ Heller

May you find peace an comfort today. 

May you rest in the everlasting arms of the LORD. 

If you don't have a relationship with Christ 

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

JJ Heller Your Hands

The Anchor Holds

The day dawned. 

I stood on the porch; not wanting to be awake. 

Odd for me.

The sun rose to meet me. 

Much like a year ago. 

The same sky. 

The same God.

The world just a little older. 

The vastness of the Universe running through my mind. 

How Great is our God. 

Sing with me how great is our God. 

(Chris Tomlin How Great is our God

It's not because of what He's done, but because of who He is. 

I can not fathom the why. 

I need to live in the, "what now".

There is a life time of living still to be done. 

Though its step are painful and the ache deep. 

I stood on that porch; redone since that last year. 

Not needing to dodge the precarious soft boards. 

No threat of falling through. 

A gift given. 

The beat of the day off a bit. 

I head to a friends to let the girls swim. 

Their laughter echoed in that place. 

Beautiful. 

Reminding me of hope. 

Pressing me on. 

Later  family gathered around the table.

The rains came.

We were cozy inside.  

There was laughter and smiles. 

His friends came later. 

There was laughter. 

They sat and visited. 

Catching up on the year. 

They've been in college. 

They wanted to light lanterns. 

It was raining. 

A change in plans.

It all felt comfortable. 

My soul at peace. 

My heart longs for success for each one. 

Much joy. 

Deep faith. 

Hebrews 16:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

The anchor holds. 

As the storm continues to rage we will stay strong. 

We are reaching for hope. 

Our souls are at peace. 

We are battered and weary. 

But the Anchor holds. 

As you are tossed about this sea of life,

 May you know the security of the Anchor holding fast.