His Song Is Different Now

The day is done. 

His birthday over.
There was no cake.
I couldn't.
But one of his friends sent me a picture of one she baked.
This mama's heart swelled with gratitude.
He is remembered. 

We tried to have a bonfire; but like last year, the rains came and the heaven's declared their majesty. 

The beat of the thunder kept cadence with the rain. 

We gathered on the front porch.

We stormed the throne of grace in prayer. 

Thanksgiving for being held. 

Strength for the future. 

Time together. 

I climbed the stairs to say good night to the crew. 

I paused in his doorway. 

I leaned into the frame.
I waited for the tears.
None came.
In some ways it's too hard to think about.
In some ways I need a break from the relentless missing.
Aching.
I need to pick up this room.
I don't want to.
I want to change the course of the events of July 28, 2013.
But I can't.
My sister in law shared with me a nugget I am holding to tightly.
When we play chess.
We see one move at a time.
God sees the whole board. 
He knows all the moves.
Let God make the moves. 

As I sat on my bed I realized we hadn't sung happy birthday.
I started to sing myself.
Alone.
The tears came.
I can't finish the song.
It doesn't seem right.
Happy Birthday is for the living.
For this life.
Here.
His song now, is different.
He sings, Holy, Holy is the lamb that was slain.

Revelation 5:13
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise
 and honor and glory and power, 
for ever and ever!"


Oh, what he sees.
Beauty.
Holiness.
Untold Joy.
So I stop singing.
And for just a moment.
I feel whole.
I stay in that place. 
Praising my Savior. 
Holding on to His Grace.

Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 
Who was, and is, and is to come. 
Praise to the King of Kings. 
You are my everything.

Do They Sing Happy Birthday In Heaven?

 It's another year. 
Your birthday.
 I miss you.
You'd be turning 19.

You've spent your 18th and now 19th birthday  in heaven. 

Away from me; away from your family- 

but present with the Lord. 

What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you.

My heart so desperately wants this to be different. 

To have you here. With us.

I won't dance a mother's dance at your wedding. 

But we'll share a wedding feast some day; 

grander than anything this earth could provide. 

Some days the ache is so great I literally propel myself forward. 

Clinging to the Ancient promises. 

There are days that joy seeps through. 

The power of the Holy Spirit great. 

Peace of a life lived in grace. 

As I celebrate the life I had with you; those 17 years.

I rest in gratitude. 

I am who I am because of who you were. 

Your stubbornness and constant questioning challenged me. 

Today, I see things differently because of you. 

You made me a mom. 

You satisfied my longing for a child after our first journeyed to heaven. 

I will always be grateful.

You have left us a gift with your testimony. 

Even through the deep and searing ache I will rejoice for my time with you. 

I will choose to walk to gratitude.
To turn my eyes to the joy. 

So happy 19th birthday Elijah. 

It is also your enlistment date.
You would have served a whole year.

Now you've enlisted in the greatest Corps there ever will be.
Oh the joy that you are experiencing.
I rest in that thought, when the missing overwhelms.
We're still going to celebrate you today.
I am going to remember all the celebrations.
You, my son, will always remain in my heart.
Never far from my thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 
declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth,
 so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Do You Ever Cry Happy/Sad Tears?

Dwelling In Beulah Land 

Let the stormy breezes blow,

their cry cannot alarm me;

I am safely sheltered here,

 protected by God's hand:

Here the sun is always shining,

here there's naught can harm me,

I am safe forever In Beulah Land. 

The strains of the third verse echo in this beautiful church. 

The words wash over me. 

He is safely sheltered here. . . protected by God's hand. 

The sun is always shining. . . naught can harm him.

He's dwelling in Beulah Land. 

Elijah is safe from harm.

My boy; naught can harm him. 

I want to drop to my knees. 

That is his journey now. 

The sobs come. 

My poor girls. 

How can I tell them these are happy/sad tears. 

Tears of ache and longing. Deep Anguish. 

Yet tears of joy that I will see their brother again. 

That the separating is made bearable because of Christ's work on the cross. 

They hug me. 

I think they know. 

Not in whole. But in part. 

I'm living on the mountain, 

underneath a cloudless sky (Praise God)  

I'm drinking at the fountain that never shall run dry, 

Oh yes, I'm feasting on the manna from a bountiful supply, 

For I am dwelling in Beulah Land.

The fountain Elijah drinks from will never run dry. 

And he's feasting. 

That insatiable appetite; filled. 

I may long for my boy with all my being. 

Long to hear his voice. 

Cook his favorite meal.

See all his dreams and hopes fulfilled. 

I may despise this journey.

But I know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

That he,

 my read headed boy, 

is feasting on the Manna with the King of Glory. 

We will One day all feast at the table of God's goodness, if we confess and call upon His name. 

Some call it religion. 

God calls it relationship. 

Some call is rules and regulations. 

God calls it Mercy and Grace. 

Ephesians 2:8

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--

May your walk today be full of the grace and freedom found in a life surrendered to Christ. 

I miss Elijah with all my being. 

I don't know if my farmer will live or die.

But I do know that one day, I too will feast on that banquet. 

I will dwell in Beulah land. 

And the reunion there will be great. 

 An Oldie but Goodie of Dwelling In Beulah Land.

Sometimes, It's Really Not Fair

The email pops up.

It's your birthday take $25 off your order. 

My mind racks. 

Whose birthday?

I look. 
He rarely used his e-mail for anything.
He used mine. 

My stomach lurches.

The reminders painful. 

I try to remember to breathe. 

I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. 

Death is permanent. 

What's on the other side is eternal. 

But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. 

And it will tear you apart. 

The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. 

It can twist and turn until you're in knots. 

That which you can never, ever have. 

Him whom you bore 9 months. 

Watched walk across the stage to receive his diploma.

So handsome.
So full of hopes and dreams.

The beginning of a new journey. 

Commencement. 

Yet it was his ending. 

Isaiah 40:8
The grass withers and the flowers fade,
    but the word of our God stands forever.

I am left here to step forward. 

To redesign my walk. 

Yet I stumble and I hit a wall. 

So, this day. 

I will cry. 

I will say it's not fair.

I will shout for anyone who wants to hear that driving by the bank every day IS HARD. 

Yet, I won't stay there. 

I will say thank you every time I drive by there.

Someone has so faithfully placed plants and cut the grass back.

The flags have been replaced and the old ones delivered respectfully to me. 

All the hope and loss wrapped in a package.
The steps through this journey purposeful.
Seeking.
Hoping. 
Holding tightly.
Where are you today?
How are you walking through your journey? 

As Time Passes

It's been weeks since I've gone into his room. 

A hiatus from the reminders. 

Dust collects as time passes. 

Things undisturbed. 

Much the same way since the night he was called home. 

His room still smells like him. 

I close my eyes to remember. 

I miss him so.

How does a life continue when your child, your hope and future are torn from you? 

How do the steps move with the ebb and flow when there is a deep chasm in your aching soul. 

Elijah was God's child. 

He was never mine to keep. 

Children are a gift from the Lord. 

They are on loan from the King of Kings. 

A gift. 

To be held lightly.
This I know.
Yet my heart still aches.
I wake knowing life is different every morning.
In the choosing to see beyond the grief, I cling.
Because there is a tenacious pull.
I don't want to move on.
Yet I have no choice.
I change the lens with which to see the world.
I choose to see through the eyes of the Savior.
Constantly refocusing.
His plan; not mine.
His ways are higher.
Because this world is just hard sometimes.
There is deep beauty.
Immense joy.
Mingled with ache.
Intertwined with loss.
Part of the journey.
I am changing because of my path.
God is molding me.
He is exposing my sin. . . the area's where I need growth.
Goodness there are so many of them.
He is doing the work.
This is not our home.
We are heading for Glory.
This is but a blip in all of time.
Yet there is important work to be accomplished.
So we press on through.
With the pain. With the grief.
Looking for beauty.
Seeking grace.
Do you know those deep moments that transcend all earthly understanding?

Be Anxious For Nothing

Be anxious for nothing. 

Only when I have prayed hard?

No need to be anxious.

When I have saved enough money in my retirement?

No need to be anxious. 
When I have anticipated every problem and am assured that I have done every thing to thwart an issue.
Then I do not need to be anxious. 

When do we not be anxious? 

What about the time when you haven't prayed?
That item left off the list. 

When something isn't planned all the way through. 

Is that the time to be anxious? 

Be anxious for nothing. 
My son walks out the door.
He kisses me.
He says he loves me.
I cringe. 
I've heard those words before.
I don't want him to leave.
He's heading to race.
In Derby.
Without me.
We've had conflict.
Be anxious for nothing.
I don't want him to go.
We haven't prayed.

Be anxious for nothing. 
What does that mean?
How do I live as one who has been ransomed?
One that is wrapped in rich love.
When we reach deep and look to eternity the view changes.
When all of our being longs and groans for that which is to come; strength prevails.
I can not change the circumstances of my life.
Yet, I can surrender all.
To the One who knows.
Who loves us with an undying love.
He's there.
He will fill us.
He understands the hurt, the heartache, the joy.
There's more to the verse. 

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Be in prayer. Set your requests and hearts cry before the throne of grace.
And wait for the peace.
The troubles will remain.
The circumstances unchanged.
Yet peace will prevail.
God is working.
He will never leave or forsake us.
Even in the deep anguish.
In death. In cancer.
He will remain.

Be anxious for nothing.
Not just when you have prayed the right prayers.
Walked the high road.
Be anxious for nothing.
When you haven't done those things.
Be anxious for nothing.

Backyard Dining Notched Up A Bit

We dined Alfresco. 

The girls, always in character, notched their table up a bit. 

Lights, candles; a special space. 

Dressed to the nines. 

They poured water from old wine and sparkling cider bottles. 

Hospitality. 

Fun.

Memories.

Moments when little girls were not thinking of grief or cancer. 

Psalm 118:4

The LORD has done it this very day; 

let us rejoice today and be glad.

Find just a moment today. 

A moment to give thanks. 

To be grateful. 

Even in the storm. 

God will meet you there.