Grief Is Work And It Takes Time

Some days the breathing is hard. 

As if I take a breath and all will spill over. 

The breath that will split the scar. 

The ache that lies just beneath the surface. 

Day after day. 

The missing. 

The longing. 

One more word. 

One more hug. 

A future. 

Where would he be right now? 

How is he feeling? 
I want to be numb. 
I don't want to feel the pain. 
It sears and burns. 

This thought line is in vain. 

It leaves an emptiness that can never be filled. 

These desires unfulfilled; this side of eternity. 
The focus of my thoughts in need of a shift. 
My downward glance forced to move. 
Steps.

Steps to the cross. 

Step by aching step. 
Release. 

The relentless giving over that brings the peace. 

The turning from the earthly grit to look upon the heavenly throne. 

Because there. . .

There in lies the hope. 

The majesty. 

The purpose. 

We are here. 

For a reason. 

We were created. 
By His hands. 

For His purposes. 

No matter how the agony of this world settles in; there is always hope. 

Hope in Christ. 

Hope in more than I can fathom.

As the days continue their march. 

As the waves of grief surface and catch me off guard, I turn. 

I reach and dig for the truth. 

The truth that sets us free. 

The truth that reminds me I am His. 

He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

No matter how the pain cripples. 

He is stronger. 

While I continue to grapple with the unknown. 

The future with out my son. 

I know that my Redeemer has ransomed my soul. 

I have been bought with a price and He will never let me go. 

It's been 21 months since I have seen this child of mine. 

Ah, since I have gazed into those baby blues. 
How I long to hear his voice. 
My mama's heart torn forever.
Yet there is a promise. 
Before the foundation of time. 

This is not our home. 

We are strangers passing through. 

John 14:1-2
Jesus said, "Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."

God is actively preparing a place for us. 
Better than we can ever imagine. 
Our focus and our hope remains there. 
Our work here to continue to share God's message. 
To spread his love. 
To share and live in truth. 
To give hope to the weary travelers. 
As Spring begins, new buds begin to show. 
The old is cast off. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I am waiting to see what God will do. 
I am open to his leading. 
I want to know how he will take this broken hearted mama and use this pain for his glory. 
But I need to be open and ready. 
If I am stuck in the grief and glorifying the pain, I won't have eyes to see. 
This is my work. 
May the work you need to do in your soul be wrapped in the glory of the Holy One. 
May He guide each of your steps as you hold tightly to the promises given. 

David Crowder
I Am

. . .Never let go 
never leave my side. 
I Am holding on to you.
I Am holding on to you
In the middle of the storm 
I am holding on
I Am.

Tonight, You Will Dance

Tonight. 

Tonight you will dance. 

You will dance with new friends and many life long companions. 

The stage is your canvas. 

So much preparation and vision. 

Directors who dream. 

Parents who put feet to those dreams. 

Year after year. 

A gift. 

Challenges to move out side your comfort zone. 

To gain confidence in the woman God is creating you to be. 

And this weekend we celebrate all of you. 

The beauty of the Vermont Youth Dancers. 

A community created to promote theater and dance. 

A place to grow and learn. 

To be challenged and inspired. 

Tonight. 

You will dance, "Between the Raindrops."

The Journey to Oz; fictitious. 

Yet so symbolic. 

Many of you will head off to your "future" as you graduate. 

This; your final Show. 

The memories swirl and gratitude permeates. 

Friendships. 

Support when our world fell apart. 

Our hands held tightly. 

This is the way of this group. 

So, tonight we celebrate, again, all the hard work.

The gift of dance. 

It is a gift. 

Cultivated and nurtured. 

Encouraged and set free. 

Revelation 21:21

The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. 

The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.

Tonight the yellow brick road will span before you and all your cast mates. 

Choices. 

Decisions loom. 

There is but one choice that echoes  through all eternity. 

One choice to say yes. 

To dance on the streets that are Golden. 

For all of eternity. 

Where your brother has gone before you. 

Dance well my dears. 

You are precious to me. 

I have loved watching you all emerge. 

Bringing your unique traits to the stage. 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old,

 he will not depart from it.

We Can Laugh And We Can Dance, Because He Has Risen

He is risen!

Just like he said. 
His word; Truth. 

He is risen. 

He is coming back again. 
All of creation will bow. 
While we wait. 
We seek to live as He did. 
We bend knees to the ground in humble submission, as we ponder the walk to the cross. 
And as the day dawns we live in hope. 

Matthew 28:6
He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

We live in the grace of a RISEN LORD. 

Death could not hold him. 

Acts 2:24

But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

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Easter 2014

The boy leaves me undone. 

Most days are difficult. 

Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. 

He's lost a brother.
 Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. 

I would come unglued. 

He's still fragile in the faith. 

And he's lashing out. 

But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. 

The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. 

There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. 

This growing and stretching is hard on me. 

So, when there is a calm.
 I embrace it. 

When he leaves me undone.
 I count 1,000 gifts. 

I leave Lilies at Elijah's grave.

No headstone marks his space. . . yet. 

The Lilies a marker.
Something to do. 

Some way to serve.

I place them. 
Feeling the deep ache. 

And then I hear it. 

That blonde haired, blue eyed boy hollers out the window. 

He shouts it; loud;

Mom! What are you doing? 
Elijah hated those things. 

They stink. 

And right in the middle of the graveyard. 

In the deep crevice of missing and longing; I laugh. 

I cry. 

And I am sure I made other noises that are not becoming. 

But the grace that fills the heart when the laughter comes is warm. 

That boy has left me undone. 

Oh to be a people that can laugh and find joy even when the hurt is crushing. 

Psalm 30:5

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I left the stinky Lilies at the grave. 

One for my mom, one for my son.

I brought the other home. 

One for my in-laws. 

I will plant that stinky lily somewhere here. 

I haven't been able to grow anything; but this, I will try. 

Maybe I will see it grow. 

If we can't bend and yield to the Savior's leading, we will be left behind. 

We miss the grace he longs to pour out on his people. 

Even in a graveyard, there is hope. 

I am reminded of the "Dance In The Graveyard" song Ana sang at her concert in the fall. 

The drumming brings me to my knees missing my redheaded drummer. 

He would have loved this song. 

For me, it showed the joy of the sweet reunion we all long for. 

Someday we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

If you have surrendered and bowed low to the giver of life, this gift is yours. 

We will laugh, and we will dance. 

Because, He Has Risen. 

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

The Hope In Good Friday

It is Good Friday. 

The day we remember. 

The life that was given. 

The day He gave all, so we may live. 

Ann Voskamp in her way says so much. 

Click on the link to read her words of hope. 

When You're Tired of Feeling Torn.  

Ann Voskamp

Last year we were remembering a dear saint in the faith. 

One whose home going I still wrestle with. 

A man of such unwavering faith. 

So giving. 

Such an encouragement to us in our raw grief. 

Such a help to my hurting heart. 

It's been a year of digging deep. 

Not finding even ground yet.

A year trying to understand. 

Today we lean into Jesus' walk to Glory. 

His purposeful steps to the Cross. 

One step in front of the other. . .

To eternity. 

For you and for me. 

Oh, what love. 

Such intensity, I can hardly bear. 

It was my sin that held him there. 

Until it was accomplished. 

His dying breath has brought me life. 

I know that it is finished. 

 -How Deep The Father's Love For Us

And so we wait. 

For Heaven to Proclaim the Glory. 

For the celebration. 

Because the tomb could NOT hold Him!

Selah

How Deep The Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond our measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away. . . 

As wounds that mar the chosen One

Bring Many Sons to Glory!

Maundy Thursday

It's Maundy Thursday. 

A Holy Day. 

The last day that Jesus walked this earth. 

He knew his journey. 

He willingly went. 

The Cost of The Cross.  

Click on the link. 

My thoughts from last year are still echoed in my heart today,

"The journey Jesus took to the cross is the defining piece of my faith. He came into Jerusalem Hailed as King and left Jerusalem via the cross.He took on the dirty and broken; so that we might live. He died to save a wretch like me; when He himself was sinless."

Revisiting, "The Rest of The Story"

It's April first. 
I wake heavy with grief. 
It has no boundaries. 
Time limits. 
Warnings. 
I reflect on last years post. 
God is not finished. . . yet. 
We, each one of us, are valued. 
Created with a purpose. 
For a reason. 
Read on, and if your heart is weary; may you be encouraged. 
If your heart soars today; may you be an encouragement to others. 
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Repost from April 3, 2014

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 I don't necessarily like part 2's.

I like things to wrap up nicely and be done.

Finished.

I don't live that way.

I leave many things unfinished.

Incomplete.

But with others things I want it finished.

 I found after yesterday's post. That there was the "rest of the story"

There was more to flush out in the day.

Because everyday is the Lord's

Psalm 118:24

This is the day the LORD has made.

 We will rejoice and be glad in it.

I recognized that it was His day.

I gave praise.

But rejoicing these days is hard.

My soul is peaceful and I recognize God's handiwork all around.

But I was not feeling like rejoicing or even being glad.

I was reminded of the blessing God hands to us.

I don't know why he has us on this road.

I don't know why in a matter of 12 months I have had so much grief sorrow and uncertainty.

But I need to turn from the circumstances and embrace the promises.
His rest and peace are available.

My faith is not tethered to the earthly circumstances; which bend and sway.

The sun will shine and some days it won't.

My faith is rooted in much more.

God sees the bigger picture. 

I am finite and limited in my ability to even fathom a glimpse of  his infinite grace. 

I may not be able to completely understand all of what's happening; 

but I know enough to rejoice in the here and now. 

While God doesn't take away our pain; or fix the trouble we are facing; he is there. 

His word never fails. 

Isaiah 55:11

so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and 

achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

He is working his will through us. 

And he will remain by our side through all of it. 

Just because.

He loves us.

Just because.

Not because we're great or we're good.

Not because we have worked so hard.

He loves us.

Despite who we are.

He loves us.

Just because.
He's big enough to carry all our burdens. He's promised to walk with us through it all.
This journey is difficult. 
He never promised it would be easy.
He is providing blessings along the way.
Ways to see. 
A card in the mail.
A friend stopping over to give encouragement through sugar.
Folks reminding us they are walking these steps with us.
Prayer for the farmer who walks with the joy thief that won't quit.
Snow beginning to melt.
Sunshine with warmth permeating our souls.
Hope. 
Our race is not yet finished.
Elijah's was. 

We need to persevere.
And step by step we will.

Because there is still, The rest of "His" story. 

If you're struggling hold on tight. 

Run to his word.

Remain in hope. And let Him write your story.