Finding the Rock in the Swirling, Chaos Day #23 of Thankfulness

 My life flows on in endless song;
above earth’s lamentation,
I catch the sweet, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

It is Thanksgiving Sunday. 

The choir sings a long loved Hymn. 

Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear that music ringing.
It finds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

The words piercing. 

Encouraging. 

What though my joys and comforts die?
I know my Savior liveth.
What though the darkness gather round?
Songs in the night he giveth. 

A melody I have  hummed repeatedly over the years. 

No storm can shake my inmost calm
while to that Rock I’m clinging.
Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,
how can I keep from singing?

The words play through my mind. 

Strength and power held in their prose. 

This latest challenge has shaken me. 

And I have almost stopped the singing. 

My inmost calm a raging tempest. 

While the choir sings I closed my eyes. 

"No storm can shake my inmost calm, 

While to that rock I'm clinging."

Though the waters rage around me. 

I have found the calm. 

Not from within. 

But from above. 

I am a churning, whirling mess. 

A cyclone of emotions. 

Through it all the melody plays. . .

The words a resounding message. 

Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear that music ringing.
It finds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While the heaviness threatens to pull me under. 

I choose to sing today. 

I choose to cling. 

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
the hard times that teach me to cling
a son that is digging deep these days
a time to break bread with our church family 
and gather to sing the Ancient Hymns
grace and new mercies each day
friends who listen and love
a family that grieves and works together
wind chimes - that though I am not near the ocean - they remind me
sleep- I still love to go to bed
the warmth of the fire and hot coffee in the quiet
Emergency Vet clinics and the miracle they performed
the hope we have- even though we do not know the future, God does

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength, 

in the morning I will sing of your love; 

for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

As this world swirls and chaos finds you. 

May you cling to that Rock. 

And may there be a lovely song. 

When Yesterday Is 7 Months Gone

Dear Elijah,
It's been more than half a year since your feet have walked this earth; since time stood still and my heart broke in two. I can't believe that much time has passed. It feels like yesterday. 7 months of not my will, but thine. 7 months of learning to live a path I didn't ask for; death, cancer, treatments, grace.  We all miss you a ton. Each day dawns with thoughts of you and remembering you're not with us. We all feel so incomplete

without you here. It's hard to figure out how to do this walk. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss being your mom. I miss feeling whole. I am tired of my heart hurting.

Since you've been gone, daddy was diagnosed with cancer and has undergone radiation and chemotherapy. He has been amazing and tolerated all the treatments well. He is exhausted now and dealing with depression.  Everywhere he looks are projects that the two of you were working on and are unfinished. Missing you adds to his heartache. We are blessed to live in an age where help is available. We're loving on him and trying to get as much help as we can here for him.

This has also been 7 months of resting in who God is and how He orders our days. Because honestly Elijah, this walk without you here is really tough. Everywhere we look there are reminders of you. Reminders that your life here was incomplete; in our eyes. We long for you to be with us at the dinner table and everywhere. You were still living your life when you left us. And that is hard to live with.

You'd be proud of your siblings. This journey has been so hard with you gone and the uncertainty of daddy's illness. While it hasn't been perfect, everyone has really rallied to help. We have moments where everyone is cranky and out of sorts, and take their anger out on someone else. But really they have all been so intentional about trying to work out this tough walk.

I long for you to be here. But that is not the plan. I will keep stepping forward. Learning each day what it means to be in surrender to the God who called order out of chaos. We will continue to move away from "why" to "What is God's will and what does He want us to do next." We will talk about you and laugh. We

will lean into the remembering and not forget. I think that is part of the nightmare when you lose a child. You don't want to forget. Not for one minute. But how could we forget you. You were unforgettable. You were respected and loved. You lit up a room with your presence and loved to perfect your arguing skills.You loved the Lord, and didn't quite understand all that that meant. (Do any of us really completely understand?) But you wrestled and dug deeper and by faith walked.  An example for all of us. While I long for you to be here. I know you are in a better place. Your journey is complete and your work finished. I don't like this part and I never will. . . ever. But I will carry on with the journey God has for us here.

We will step forward in grace each day.

We do long for the day when we will be reunited. 

We long for the time when;

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."