The Icy Fear That Can Grip So Suddenly

Will this ever be easy? 

Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? 

I hold my breath.

I feel tense. 

My spirit unsettled. 

Waiting. 

For the axe to drop. 

Anticipating the negative. 

Icy cold fear. 

It creeps in. 

Slowly. 

While you're not aware. 

It is there. 

Gripping. 

Choking. 

The dawn will come and it will be 23 months 

since my boy walked the face of this earth. 

23 months since I have felt normal,

It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the other. 

Willing myself to move forward.
Trusting in the goodness of God. 

Remembering His promises. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Resting in His word. 

But tonight the icy, cold fear grips tightly. 

There are 2 children out. 

And I fear. 

The darkness real. 

I am powerless. 

Tears well. 

Deep longing and desire to see my son fill my soul. 

Bitterness lies just beneath the surface. 

Tools of the enemy. 

I dig deep. 

Psalm 27:1

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

My God will supply all our needs. 

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Needs that He knows better than I do. 

Needs that I haven't even thought of. 

He will provide. 

He will supply. 

I just need to trust. 

To let go. 

To surrender. 

And this I find hard to do. 

I Peter 1:6-9

 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

My heart yearns for Elijah. 

I long to be his mom. 

I long for things that are hidden deep in my heart. 

Longings that will never, ever be satisfied this side of heaven. 

The pain is there to stay. 

The deep ache forever there. 

My heart will forever be broken. 

A piece of it always missing. 

But God will fill the ache. 

He will pour His Spirit in until I am over flowing with all that He has. 

He will turn my mourning into dancing. 

He is the God who majors in restoration and regeneration. 

I can not see what God is doing now. 

I may not even be able to understand. 

But I can trust and rest in the promises given so long ago. 

The icy fear has dissipated some. 

As I wait I will practice trust. 

I will hand over each of my worries, each of my fears until I am empty. 

Naming them one by one. 

Because even in death. 

God is there. 

In the emptiness, He can do His greatest work. 

He alone will satisfy. 

Psalm 107:9

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

As the day dawns and 23 months go by,

 I will place my feet on the ground that will never be shaken. 

My hope is placed with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

I will melt the icy fear with power and might of a Holy God. 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

 according to his power that is at work within us,

Celebrating the Niece Today!

She's 15 today. 

My funtastic niece!

Beautiful and feisty. 

One of my greatest hero's.

Her laughter like a thousand sparkles.  

Her stubbornness deep. 

She leans head on into life. 

She needs that grit.

She's fought hard through surgeries since day one. 

Yet this hasn't slowed her down. 

She's adaptable and stuck to her guns. 

She loves her family fiercely. 

Her heart, so sensitive towards others. 

That heart. 

Baptized in the river that runs through the land of her ancestors. 

Learning how to do this life walking a path surrendered to the King of Kings. 

It's not easy. 

Her heart, that beautiful heart; so tender towards animals. 

All welcomed into her space. 

Gentleness. 

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me. 

She inspires me to keep going. 

She brings great joy where ever she goes! 

Happy Birthday sweetheart! 

Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, 

be pleasing in your sight, 

Oh Lord, my rock and my Redeemer. 

When You Need to Search For Joy On Father's Day

How can you miss someone when they are physically still here? 

How can your heart ache so deeply and long for what once was?

The memory thief pulls and tugs until there is but a shell. 

A shell of the person that once was. 

The strength; staunch independence now shadowed. 

How cruel it seems to watch. 

How twisted the path. 

We are powerless to stop the movement. 

Helpless to change. 

Yet we are not without hope. 

Hope that one day all this torment will be gone. 

The day when sweet reunions are fulfilled. 

When pain ceases to exist. 

Oh, how I long for that day. 

This day  set apart to honor our Father's has left me unsettled. 

My Father in Law in heaven the past 15 years. 

My father here on earth; yet his mind fragile. 

My farmer such a good father. 

One son who will never be a father. 

And I linger there on those thoughts. . . .too long. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past.

"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; 

Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, 

Rivers in the desert."

Sometimes the past can hold us too tightly. 

It's clutches relentless in it's pursuit to undermine; tell lies. 

Beat us down until we have no self worth. 

Until doubt becomes our truth. 

That is not truth at all. 

It is the moving forward that we are called to, that speaks of truth. 

Obedience. 

Seeing the new thing that God is doing. 

Having eyes to see. 

To be aware that God is moving. 

Sometimes the movement is so subtle that if we're not careful, we'll miss it. 

A reminder that God is at work. 

 Letting go of the the past. 

Stepping toward the future is risky. 

Yet it is full of all the hope that God provides. 

Our way is not riddled with perfection and all good things. 

The way is rough and painful. 

Underneath all though, there is a joy. 

A joy that can not be stolen. 

Not when cancer creeps in and snuffs out the light. 

Not when the memory thief takes up residence. 

Not when death rears it's ugly head and your son is called to glory. 

Not when cancer creeps into that dear, dear farmer

 and the joy thief clutches tightly. 

 No. 

The joy will never be stolen. 

The deep, beautiful gift of joy. 

When the world falls apart around us. 

Joy will stand. 

So this Father's Day. 

I will choose to remember the wonderful Father in law I had. 

How much he sacrificed for his family. 

How steadfast he lived his life. 

I will remember the crazy father I have. 

His love for me, fierce. 

His words of wisdom still solid truth, or good for a chuckle. 

I will remember the wonderful farmer and his gentle ways. 

His love for his children and all children that cross our path. 

Most of all, I will give praise to my heavenly Father for never letting me go. 

For walking this rough and beautiful path right beside us. 

For letting his son; his one and only son, be the vessel by which we are all forgiven. 

Once. . . for all. 

Graduation, Ambulances and Parties. . . Oh My!

I am learning that life is not about what we want or desire. 

That at every turn our spirit needs to be yielded to the Almighty. 

Life can be unpredictable. 

Our response to the events placed in our path can make or break us. 

We can plan and prepare. 

We live. 

When our hearts are nurtured; surrendered to a life with God; life can still be harsh. 

Graduation was looming. 

Party preparations under way. 

Months of planning. 

Days of preparing. 

Such fun. 

New beginnings.

Graduation day dawned beautifully. 

Sunshine, clear skies. 

But a storm was brewing. 

A fierce and unrelenting storm.

Another test of how much do we trust?

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

 And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

Do we really love this God of the universe?

Do we really believe he will do what he says he will do? 

We headed in to town for graduation. 

Such excitement. 

Hope. 

We wanted everything to be perfect for the beautiful graduate. 

The memories lingering everywhere we turn. 

Our desire to make this, her special day. 

God had other plans. 

While we were celebrating the recent graduates. 

While we were taking pictures and making sure no one was left out. 

The youngest of the 6 didn't feel good. 

A fever had been held at bay and the heat over powering. 

Just enough to cause the youngest to faint and fall with a sickening thud. 

Her body non responsive. 

My mama's heart challenged for the second time in 22 months, 

as I dropped to my knees to hold this child of mine. 

A medical professional surfaced. 

His skilled hands and knowledge grasping the situation. 

911 called and a journey to the hospital seeming to take an eternity. 

The youngest semi alert. 

Weeping. 

Confused. 

The graduate; not leaving her sister's side. 

Repeating the story over and over as EMT's assess the situation. 

Our God is in the business of shaping and molding us. 

His desire for us to yield to his purposes. 

To trust. 

Even when we don't understand. 

Sometimes. . . that is hard. 

This mama's heart began to loose hope. 

The weight of the day. 

The heaviness of the past 22 months began to undermine the faith that I have so desperately clung to. 

Could I lose another child?

Do I have enough faith to endure what ever path God has for me? 

I longed to be alone. 

To pour my heart out to my heavenly father. 

But there was nothing. 

No words. 

No emotion. 

I watched as the doctor examined this youngest child of mine. 

I watched as this precious child became sick and disoriented. 

I couldn't pray. 

It was almost like I was defeated. 

Done. 

My spirit could take no more. 

 Fluids given. 

Medicine to calm the sickness that repeatedly over came her. 

At home the party soon to begin. 

Decisions made for my farmer and the graduate to head home. 

My heart continued to feel the weight. 

I held my youngest's hand. 

I touched her soft cheek. 

I felt despair creep in. 

I felt my focus turn inward. 

A knock at the door reveled my sweet friend and 2 of her daughters. 

She held me. 

She used no words. 

Her stay; brief. 

Yet Powerful. 

Soon my youngest and I were alone. 

The nurse and doctor continued to watch over. 

Fluids began to bring color back to her cheeks. 

Her vision began to clear. 

Her confusion dissipating. 

Strength returning. 

Until finally we were allowed to head home.

Home to a celebration. 

A place my heart did not want to go. 

I wanted to be where I could nurture this wound. 

A place where I could wallow in the desolation that I felt. 

Abandoned by the God I love. 

Alone. 

Feeling like I deserved more that what has been given. 

God in his infinite wisdom wasn't finished with me yet. 

He wanted to show me the strength and breadth of his character. 

A walk out the door to my porch reveled a surprise. 

A much loved cousin and dear friend of my mom and her daughter had jumped in the car and driven miles to be here for that daughter of mine. 

And an hour later a cute little toe head appeared on my porch,

A little one who also traveled hours to get here to be with us. 

My brother and his wife had chosen to come for less than 24 hours 

to be a part of this momentous day. 

Neither one of them knowing what had transpired through the day. 

I stood in shock as some of the people I loved the most gave to be here to celebrate. 

Each one of them used by the God of the universe to give what I didn't deserve; 

but desperately needed. 

A few days have passed and we are quickly immersed in the college Orientation and anticipation. 

So much for such a short time. 

I can't choose what will come my way. 

But I can yield to all the grace our loving father wants to lavish on us. 

I can seek that which is beautiful and holy; even when all goes frighteningly out of control. 

God is holding on. 

Even when I don't feel it. 

Even when the storms rage. 

The youngest of all these is healing well. 

She has been a trooper. 

And I thank God for her every day. 

I am learning. 

Life will continue to throw me curve balls. 

I will continue to surrender all that I am. 

Celebrating The Farm Boy!

My farm boy is 16 today. 
2 birthdays celebrated without his best friend and brother. 
 A new way of living for him. 
Pushing, pulling, stretching boundaries. 
Reaching to find. . . who he is. 
Life dealing him lemons. 
His soul learning to make lemonade. 
His view of life; so different from mine. 
Lessons learned at every turn. 
His path bumpy at times. 
Yet so willing to adapt to the conditions. 
This is my boy. 
Honored at school with an award and a gift. 
Given for "his love of life."
His quest to press on. 

He may walk through this life in an unconventional manner. 

A manner I am learning to appreciate. 

Happy 16th birthday my boy. 
You bring me great joy. 

You teach me each day, 
"It's all how you look at it."

Re-posting last years thoughts. 

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I wake with a start. 

The pressure strange. 

I struggle to my feet. 

The waters of life stir. 

It's time. 

I call the hospital. 

I call my mother in law. 

My farmer wakes as the alarm rings. 

His normal waking hour. 

I let him know it's time. 

This child already in tune with the milking schedule.

With 3 sleeping children in the house, we head toward life. 

It is quick. 

We barely make it to the hospital before the final pushes. 

Fast and furious. 

He arrives. 

A surprise.

We always wait. 

Cedric Trevor Davis.

Named for the Grandfather taken too soon; who worked and toiled the land.

Our precious son.

We are blessed.

The recovery easy.

Life continues.

Marches on.

Year after year. 

He is 15 today.

He will take his permit test tomorrow. 

It's time. 

He has grown 4 inches since we buried his brother. 

He stands head and shoulders above me.

He wrestles with all that life has thrown him. 

Part wreckless, part staunch responsibility. 

This boy who arrived so quickly and hasn't stopped since, is my joy.
He who does all, in his own timing.

There is something about mama's and their boys. 

One for me is no more. I hold onto this one.

I pray I don't hold too tight. 

I pray that God will spare him and his siblings. 

I plead for more time. 

I beg Him to allow the angel of death to never pass this way too early again. 

But was it too early?

All is in the palm of God's hand. 

All in it's time. 

I will spend a life time in knots if I hang on the edge.
Waiting on His timing takes all.

Reaching again for grace, I hold on to the now. 
Resting in the plan by One wiser than I. 
Knowing that all is in it's time.

The birth. 

The joy. The glory.
The memories. 

We celebrate. 

We rejoice.

Happy 15th Birthday Cedric.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Are You Able To Look Forward?

No matter how you look at it. 

This life can be hard. 

It can be painstakingly beautiful, too. 

Sometimes it just seems like the pain rises to the top. 

Usurping the joy. 

Isn't that Satan's way? 

He wants to steal our joy. 

He wants to bring this world to it's knees. 

Missing the beauty of the redemption in Christ. 

Blinding us to that which is holy and good. 

It seeps in. 

A bad day at the office. 

Traffic. 

Money issues. 

Kids challenging authority. 

"Busy"ness; running from one kids activity to the next;

all good things. 

All meaningful and important. 

Yet slowly pulling us apart. 

We struggle to find the good in things; 

to take time to be quiet. 

To silence the crazy around us. 

 We wake some mornings wondering where the time went. 

How we got to this place?

I want to fight that mentality. 

I want everything I do here to count for God's glory. 

To be intentional about each step I take. 

To be surrendered to our Holy God so much that I am in tune with His plan. 

Tomorrow our soon to be graduate will share her Senior Testimony at church. 

She will concisely put together her journey in her faith. 

She has been working on what she will say. 

Typing it out. 

Re reading it. 

Practicing. 

Checking the timing. 

So different from her older brother. 

He sat at the breakfast bar with some 40 days left on this earth. 

He scratched out some words on an index card. 

He asked for a reference to a bible verse. 

And he delivered a speech that was powerful and in so many ways his last words to us. 

And I fight the fear that grows. 

Are these her last words too?

I cry for God to not take her too. 

And this life can be hard. 

Satan desires to steal my joy. 

He longs for me to not enjoy these days. 

To be overcome with fear and apprehension. 

But he will not stand. 

Isaiah 8:10

Devise your strategy, but it will be thwarted; 

propose your plan, but it will not stand, for God is with us.

Because our God is stronger and our God is mighty. 

I John 3:20

If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts,

 and he knows everything.

With God on my side, 

I will stand through these days. 

I will trust Him and rest in the joy each day will bring. 

I will not live in fear. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I will find the joy. 

I will stand on the hope that awaits me. 

I will look forward to hearing the words this beautiful girl will share. 

I will look forward to seeing how God's plan will unfold in her life. 

I will look forward. 

Proverbs 4:25

Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.

Chris Tomlin 

Our God 

When Your Prayers Aren't Answered. . . The Way You Wanted

I wake to overcast skies. The dreariness overwhelming. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill over. The pull to stay in bed; real.  I dig for the Praises. I begin to name them one by one. There really are so many. I seek to push through. It's the only way. I read my journey of this day last year. June 2, 2014. My heart gains courage. I step into the kitchen. It is so cold. I grab a steaming (literally) cup of coffee and settle on to the couch wrapped in flannel pajama's and a shining hope.  I  begin to peck out my thoughts. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 2, 2014

The bales keep coming. 

Load after load. 

11 bales a wagon load. 

Winter's feed. 

Wrapped in a cocoon. 

Prepared for winter. 

These bales. 

I wrote on these bales last year. 

Prayers. Praise. 

I love you Elijah.
7/25/13

Bales I prayed over. Hopes for a plentiful winter. 
I Praised God. 
I thanked Him for the warmer weather and time with my boy. 

Hopes for a smoother road. 

A different pace from the walk of the death of my mom, 
flooding and bumpy financial issues. 

That's not what happened. 

3 days later, my son fell asleep at the wheel of our family car and met Jesus. 

3 months later, my farmer was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

The road riddled with pain. 

But I had prayed!

I prayed hard.

I wrote out the prayers on the bales for all to see.

 And I believed. 

That beautiful summer day; I prayed and I believed things would get better. 

So what do you do when they don't? 

When you've had faith. 

When your heart has been yielding. 

 And deep, deep anguish settles in. 

How do you stay the course when the world seems to have lost it's tether? 

I prayed. I trusted. I believed. I surrendered. 

And still the death came. 

The cancer came. 

And other things may come. 

There may be more devastating news.

But that doesn't change the nature of God. 

He is still mighty and merciful. 

He is still pouring into our souls. 

I don't understand his ways. 

But I know his character. 

There will still be summer days. And the needs will still be great. 

That summer day when I prayed;

 I believed that whatever came our way, God would be there. 

Never imagining the path we would walk. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Our prayers are not meant to "change" God's mind. 

The more we pray the more He will listen to us. 

The more people we have praying for us the more He will listen to us. 

No, prayer is for us. 

A gift. 

Prayer changes us. 

The cry of our heart becomes unity with Christ. 

A peace that transcends all earthly understanding.

Yielding to Him.

Trusting that He who breathed life into this world also has all under His wing. 

So what happens when you pray, you believe, you surrender; and your handsome, first born, prayed for red-headed drummer is torn from this life. . . forever. . . ?

You breathe deep; you cry in anguish.
Deep guttural cries.
You cry out to the God of the Universe. 
The King of All Kings.
You let Him do His work in You. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

You trust. 
You watch as a community comes alongside to hold you through these troubled waters. 

You pray. 
You hold on to what you know. 

Each day you wake, opening your eyes to a world forever changed. 

Stepping into the peace that can only come when your heart yields. 

These are the things you do.  .  . 

When You're Prayers Aren't Answered.