Can You Stop And Turn? Do You Have What It Takes?

It's the 28th. 

 Sunday. 

14 months.

Months, days, weeks, moments of missing. 

Days of seeking who God is; who am I in Him. 

I wake again today to the fight to get up. 

My soul is heavy. 

I cry out to Jesus. 

I just want to burrow in. 

Sleep some more. 

My heart;

Needs to change

There was a double sleep over last night. 

Church to attend, a rehearsal for a performance. 

And it leaves me with tears pooling and a heart constricting. 

There is no milk.

The keys to the van are missing. 

The other car is not working right. 

I need to make breakfast.

We have places to be. 

And all I want to do is be quiet. 

Run. Hide. 

I had planned a fun day to be away from the farm. 

To be together with family and friends. 

It seems to be unraveling. 

And my response is tense and harsh. 

The hot, churning within. 

These are the moments when we need to seek the holy. 

Not when we're all dressed and looking pretty. 

Now; in the dirt and grim; in the hot and churning. 

With tears pooling and words spewing. 

It is in these moments when we remove our gaze from the circumstances. 

We're so entrenched in the war we can not see the victory beyond. 

Even in the turmoil and grit, we can seek the holy. 

It's when we should seek. 

A walk with Christ is not when you're perfect and without sin; when all is going well. 

It's for the sinners and the downcast. 

For the lost and seeking. 

The broken and hurting. 

We are a people in need. 

When I was a little girl I loved to read. 

I would easily get lost in a book. 

I wouldn't hear my mother's call. 

The world around me faded. 

The characters; real.

The adventures; mine

In my closet I created a space with a pillow and a blanket. 

A flashlight. A journal and a pen (just in case I needed to write)

There I would sit for hours reading by flashlight. 

Undisturbed.

Content. 

Today I long for that quiet space; with pillows all around. 

The safety and holy.

The world is tipped on edge for me. 

And if I am not careful I will tip too. 

The chaos will not go away. 

Life begats life. 

And there is still much life. 

I turn to meet this attack boldly. 

I will face the chaos head on. 

I will look the pain in the eye. 

These circumstances will not change. 

But my response can. 

This is the work it takes. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

We need to consciously turn toward what God has for us. 

Websters definition ~

  turn-to cause (something or a side of something) to face an opposite or different direction

Psalm 119:57-64

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. 

I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. 

Make an about face today. 

Take the time to turn. 

The breathtaking landscape around us is turning. 

It is shedding the old for the new; hope in Spring. 

We too can shed all that holds us. 

All that brings us down. 

Repent. 

Lay it all at the foot of the cross. 

And turn toward new life, new hope. 

In Christ. 

The struggle will end. 

It may not be this side of eternity. 

But we can meet the holy here. 

We can be filled and strengthened for the work that still needs to be done. 

We just need to turn. 

10th Avenue North. 

 Worn

Are You Living In This Very Moment?

This is not my home.
No matter the beauty.

This is not where we belong.
My focus.

has to change.
Each morning.
A shift.
It's not about me.
God's plan is better. 

The missing overwhelming. 

My son.

I want him here. 

Why did God not stop the accident?

Why did he not save him?

Why was it fatal?

I fold laundry. 

His clothes. 

Worn by others. 

I breathe deep. 

It would be so easy to give up. 

To just let the darkness consume. 

The pain. The ache.

The work it takes. 

There is a hole; where he belongs. 

His classmates moving on. 

Celebrating. 

Living. 

The pull of the world. 

I turn. 

Into the arms of the Father. 

I AM. . . holding on to you. 

I AM in the middle of the storm. 

I reach. 

He is there. 

I slow my breathing. 

I stand firm. 

I hold onto to the Ancient Word. 

There's no end to Amazing Grace. 

The peace fills me.

 His peace. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. 

Not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

No matter the struggle, the pain, the joy, the way. 

God is there. 

There is hope. 

There is peace for the journey. 

Living and waiting for 'life to get better'. 

Is not a choice. 

There is joy in the storm. 

Being present in the moment.
This very moment.
Are you there? In the moment? 

Even A Year Later My Grip Remains Strong

A year later we still are haying. The fire on to take the chill off the morning air. The desire of my heart to yield to the heavenly father. The pain still real, the missing still great. Longing to find our way in this world. Wanting to make a difference. Wanting hope to permeate all we do. Thoughts scratched out in the wee hours of the morning. Still ring true a year later. Yet, this is before cancer knocked on our door. It is before I knew what was to be. . .

It's Early Morning
9-20-13

I rise while it is still dark.

Coffee is made.

We are having pancakes for breakfast.

I have turned the fire on to take off the chill. 

Though it is much warmer than the previous nights. 

It was hard to get up this morning.

I prayed for a long time, seeking strength for what lies before me today. 

I prayed for Gary. 

These hours are so long. 

I prayed for the yield on this hay crop to be wildly abundant.

We are so short on feed. 

This picture was taken the last day Elijah and I worked together.

The day he told his dad, "Hey dad, you know the best way to slow down wrapping bales? Is to have your wife come to the barn." 

 I was trying to help. 

I can be a liability sometimes. 

But I am glad I went. 

All that time spent with my boy. . .

Little did I know there would only be 2 more days that he would reside on this earth. 

I had planned to write a blog post on how we put up our round bales. 

Now these pictures are all I have left of his final days here. 

But the memories. 

Oh how I treasure that day.

 We laughed. 

I was so slow.

We'd been having trouble with the round bale plastic - it keeps tearing. . .

So, Elijah would have to get off the tractor and come and pull it so I could tuck it back in and get started. 

I am a little short, so getting a good grip to pull that plastic was not happening on my watch. .. 

unless I went and got a stool. Which is the story of my life. 

Someone needs to add variety to these boys' lives. 

After each bale is wrapped, it is marked with the date. 

It was beautiful out that day. 

I was happy to be with my boys and I would take the time to write on the bales. .. 

more than just the date. 

This also slowed the process down.

Guys don't think like we woman. 

I wanted there to be a legacy on those bales. 

So when the deep of winter came and they pulled those bales out there would be a reminder of the glorious day in July when we all worked together. 

On each bale I left a legacy. 

One we now treasure with all our hearts. 

Our hay situation has been a challenge this year.

The rains came in abundance and flooded many of our fields. 

This left debris and silt scattered across acres of land, virtually making all the hay unusable; when or if we could get on to the soggy meadows. 

This happened repeatedly throughout the summer. 

So on July 25, 2013,

When the warmth of the sun permeated everything, 

I wrote those praises on bales.

I prayed over each bale.

Asking our father to somehow fix this feed situation. 

To give us wisdom if we should stay in farming. 

3 days later I still praised the same God 

with a broken heart as he called my boy home. 

It was a beautiful night last night. 

I don't know what our future is here. 

I don't know where the Lord is leading us. 

So much has changed. 

Yet, we will still praise him. 

Psalm 150

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;

praise him in his mighty heavens!

 Praise him for his mighty deeds;

praise him according to his excellent greatness!

 Praise him with trumpet sound;

praise him with lute and harp!

 Praise him with stambourine and dance;

praise him with strings and pipe!

 Praise him with sounding cymbals;

praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord

And I am learning to say:  "It will be my joy,

your will, your way"

And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. . .there is NO life apart from you LORD. 

What Preparations Do You Need To Make To Be Ready?

The frost wasn't too hard this morning.

We kept the house warm enough. 

My farmer turned the fire on before he left. 

I shudder to think how much propane we have used. 

We need to be prepared. 

As winter looms ahead. 

Wood needs to be cut. 

Air conditioners stored away for the heat of the summer day. 

Screens removed and the storm windows placed. 

All in preparation for winter. 

My freezer is partially full of summer's glow. 

Harvesting some of the bounty for later use. 

Still not quite there with all that needs to be done. 

Some steps; such an effort. 

Grateful for the gift of produce. 

It's like grace. 

A gift. 

Something we don't deserve. 

Our walk with Lord. 

Needing care and tending. 

Just as preparations for winter are imperative, so is the care for our souls. 

The intentional quiet before the Lord. 

Each morning. 

Spending time. 

In His presence. 

He doesn't need our fancy words. 

He needs us. 

Available. 

Still. 

Open.

Ready. 

Will you find that place today? 

Where the holy meets the harsh. 

Where God can breathe into your weary soul.

Where the striving ceases and grace infuses. 

Meet Him there. 

He's waiting. 

Psalm 46:10

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;

 I will be exalted among the nations, 

I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still my soul. . . 

The Lord is on thy side. . . 

In every change - He faithful will remain. 

In you I rest. . . in you I find my hope. 

When There's An Early Frost And No Heat

The steam from the cooking apples warm the kitchen. 

Soon there will be applesauce. 

There is going to be another frost.

We have no heat in our home right now. 

I keep the doors closed. 

I bring in the mums so they won't freeze. 

We pick the last of the tomatoes on my one plant. 

I'm such a gardener. 

The doors to the other end of the house are shut. 

We are hanging a quilt over the doorway to the hallway that goes upstairs. 

We need to conserve heat. 

The down part of a large home. 

It seems too early to have such a frost. 

A reminder of winters pull. 

In the morning I'll make hot chocolate, lots of coffee and 

cook something in the oven to warm the rooms. 

The kiddos will come clambering down to try to get warm. 

I will always be grateful for no heat upstairs and the pull of the warm kitchen. 

For now we'll head to bed. 

We'll add another blanket; find an extra pair of socks.

And make sure chopping wood rises to the top of the list. 

After haying, feeding animals, milking, repairs. . . etc. etc.

Good Night. 

I Said Yes To , Until Death Do Us Part

The air was cool. 

Chores were done. 

We headed out. 

We dressed in layers. 

We drove almost 2 hours to a fair. 

Not just any fair. 

The Tunbridge World's Fair. 

A place where time stands still. 

Where cattle are milked. 

Displays of pumpkins and flowers line every building.
Equipment through the generations are scattered around the space. 

Where smells of roasting corn and fried dough permeate the air. 

The hum of the rides and the dazzling lights make this place a feast for the senses. 

We held hands and giggled. 

So fun to be together. 

He wanted to ride the ferris wheel. 

I didn't want to spend the money. 

We walked hand in hand. 

He asked if we could sit in the cattle barn. 

The bleachers empty. 

It was quiet. 

We sat next to each other. 

He looked at me. 

He asked if we could spend the rest of our lives getting
 to know each other and being best friends. 

I looked at him. 

He reached in his jacket pocket. 

He gave me his great grandmothers ring.
This kind, blue eyed man. 

To have and hold, until death do us part. 

I said yes. 

And this winter when the "in sickness and in health,
until death do you part" knocked on our door,

I thought back to that day. 

To all the days since. 

To heart ache and joy. 

To the pain of a child taken too soon. 

I thought through the years.

To gratitude.

To promises made. 

To promises kept. 

In sickness and in health. 

Until death do we part. 

I said yes. 

And I would say it again and again and again.

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

The Least of These My Brethren

He sits at my table. 

I feed him.

Physical nourishment. 

We feed him the Word. 

He; the downcast. 

Broken.

Struggling with mental illness. 

Trying to find his way in this world. 

He sits at my table. 

I fight the thoughts that permeate my mind. 

My son. 

Buried deep beneath the earth. 

Not at my table; while this one lives. 

Why? 

My son; a hard worker.

So young. 

A lover of God. 

Gone. 

And here. 

At my table the least of these. 

Matthew 25:40

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you,

 whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,

 you did for me.'

I feed him. 

I pray in my heart for the demons that fill him to be gone. 

To receive the medical help he needs. 

This young man.

Each day a struggle. 

The least of these my brethren. 

I bow to the Holy. 

These days belong to the Lord. 

His will above mine. 

His ways. 

Isaiah 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I relinquish my heartache and pain. 

I can not carry it. 

The longing too great. 

The pain crushing. 

I step into the work for today. 

Life on life. 

The gospel.

Life changing. 

Hope.