Stepping into the Hope Promised, When All I Really Want to do is Throw a Tantrum

"May we cherish a grateful and cheerful disposition, not murmuring and repining if our wishes are not indulged, or because some sorrows are blended with our enjoyments,  But, sensible of our desert, and impressed with the number and greatness of thy benefits, may we bless and praise thee at all times."

My friend sends me this quote. 

I am so grateful for her. 

A book of Puritan prayers. 

The apostle Paul says it this way,

Phillipians 4:12

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Being content in all circumstances. 

I am a great offender of this concept.

Highly verbal in nature, I spew. 

Really. 

Venomous at times. 

A way to work through thoughts and concepts. 

Reactive. 

Almost like a tantrum; at my age. 

Guilty. 

 "May we cherish a grateful and cheerful disposition, not murmuring and repining  if our wishes are not indulged. . ."

This act is work for me. 

My default to "repine if my wishes are not indulged."

The sinful heart.

Strong in nature. 

When we step out of ourselves; contrary to what the world teaches; 

 we are able to aspire to attain this trait. 

As land is cultivated to produce a crop. 

So is our heart in desperate need of cultivation. 

As the walk without my son continues. 

My journey presses on with much work to do. 

Soul work is hard. 

Living in truth; imperative. 

Each day a gift. 

My friends, yield to the Father. 

To the One who created you. 

Walk a journey of gratitude. 

Giving praise for the rough spots. 

Giving praise for the good. 

God will take that soul and mold it into something beautiful. 

One more sleep until the college girl heads back. 

My soul feels edgy and tight. 

The tension of excitement for her and missing; battling in my spirit. 

I kick my default of grumbling out. 

I rest in praise. 

The hope for this college girl. 

The way in which she will help to shape this world. 

Her future is held in the hands of the One who called her by Name. 

He is working His purpose and will in her life. 

It will be better than anything I could think or imagine,

because it is His doing. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 

do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness 

and streams in the wasteland.

I surrender the emotion and sadness. 

I step into the hope promised. 

I work at  "cherishing a grateful and cheerful disposition"

My Name is Tammy and I Make my Bed Everyday

I haven't showered. 

Laundry is piled on the floor. 

Book work stacked on the table and in piles. 

It's tax time you know. 

And the beat of that clock is ticking. 

I can feel it. 

I make my bed. 

Yes. 

In the middle of all the chaos. 

There is one thing. 

Constant. 

I make my bed. 

What does that say about me? 

I am sure psycho therapists would have a field day. 

Of all the things that need to get done. 

I make my bed. 

Every day. 

With out fail. 

I wash my sheets too. 

Almost every week. 

I have curtains that are falling apart. 
Clutter everywhere. 

But sheets that are crispy clean. 

I don't know why I do these things. 

I do know they bring me great comfort. 

A routine. 

Get up. 

Plug in coffee. 

Use the bathroom. 

Make bed. 

Get dressed. 

I don't even have to think about it. 

Nothing else seems to be routine. 

It all seems jumbled and chaotic. 

A spinning, whirling mess. 

I come up for air at times. 

Only to plunge again into the rhythm of living. 

There are days that I don't feel. 

The day structured so I can move 
through methodically. 

Folding laundry. 

Correcting math. 

Driving to dance. 

Cooking dinner. 

All without a thread of feeling. 

It is those days I wonder. 

How can I do this until eternity beckons?

Because the long term hurts. 

Short term is easier. 

I can do anything for a short time. 

I can make it. 

Small goals. 

But long term? 

Seems too far out there. 

Too many unknowns. 

Too many risks. 

That is how I feel. 

I don't even know how to risk anymore. 

Or do I? 

Can I run this race? 

Hebrews 12:1
 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

So, am I still a risk taker?
Can can I go the distance? 

When I think on my day. 

The risks far out weigh the safety of anything else. 

Each day I watch and navigate as I lead children
 in the way they should grow. 

Often on little sleep and a super tight budget. 

We mamas rise up. 

We balance meals and check books.

We negotiate and implement multiple strategic
 plans throughout each day. 

 Building an Army for the Lord. 

Raising children to serve Him. 

To be empathetic;
in a world hostile to the gospel.
 The clock is ticking. 
Ticking closer to eternity. 

There are precious moments left. 
What will you do with those moments? 
How will you spend the time until Eternity beckons?

I will still make my bed. 
I will enter the struggle of the pain and joy. 
Yielding to the Father. 
Rising up in His strength. 
And yes. 
I will still make my bed. 

Because hidden deep in that task is the decades
 old practice of bowing low.

Getting out of bed. 
Seeking first the kingdom of God. 
Pulling up the sheets.  
Praying for the day. 
Straightening the comforter
Pleading for a marriage bed to be pure. 
Arranging pillows. 
Seeking guidance. 
Admitting my inability to do this journey alone. 

That is how I will do the long term. 
By living in the short term. 
For Him. 
By His grace. 

Isaiah 40-29-31
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Jesus Came to Change Our Lives. Not Our Circumstances.

Last year. 

My farmer and College girl where in Haiti on this day. 

Now they've been again. 

Here is a re-post of thoughts on Water. 

One of our most important resources. 

Do You Have A Decent Source of Water? 

John 4:14

but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.

 Indeed, the water I give them 

will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Water

An integral part of our life. 

Without it; we can not survive. 

Yet there are nations that struggle. 

Clean drinking water - scarce. 

Their survival in the balance. 

Poverty a way of life. 

Needy. 

Jesus repeatedly used analogies involving  water. 

It is something we all need. 

Crave. 

Can not live without. 

Yet, He comes, this Jesus, as the Living Water. 

In a parched and dry land. 

Through life in Him, our thirst quenched.
Never will we thirst again. 

And here in this poverty stricken land of Haiti. 

Where by most standards they have nothing. 

Their joy is apparent. 

They lack much. 

Yet lack nothing. 

. 

Jesus came to change our lives. 

Not our circumstances. 

This life giving water is free. 

With it;

We will never thirst again. 

John 7:37

"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.

Marsha Stevens

Come To The Water

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by my side. 

I know you are thirsty. You won't be denied. 

I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried 

And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

The Journey Home

Tonight. 

They return. 

They've been gone a week. 

Half my family. 

Serving. 

Working. 

Sweating. 

Giving. 

Loving. 

In the Name of Jesus. 

To a people in need. 

I have missed them.

Their journey home, begun.

While they will long to be home; 

a piece of them will always remain in Haiti. 

I have not shared their experience. 

I am praying for understanding and wisdom. 

To hear their words. 

To see into their souls. 

I am looking forward to the homecoming. 

Hearing the stories and seeing the glow from time spent giving. 

Jesus came to serve. 

Matthew 20:28

just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, 

but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

He came to give .

All. 

For us. 

 A people in desperate need. 

The walk to the cross; all he had. 

For us. 

Willingly. 

We may serve overseas. 

Or here in the states. 

Where ever. 

We are called. 

To give. 

To love. 

In the name of Jesus. 

Even when it's hard. 

Give. 

Love. 

Obedience. 

Each day is a gift. 

Unwrapped as the day unfolds. 

May this day be the day for you. 

The day to embrace. 

To turn. 

To live for more. 

To lay down the hurt. 

Seek the forgiveness so freely given. 

May we all give today. 

As Christ taught us. 

Matthew 25:40

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

May there be joy in the journey. 

Unexpected. 

Fullness.

Gratitude. 

Phillipians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy

When the Quiet Still Hangs in the Air

While the early morning quiet still hung in the air. 

The phone rang.

Love on the line from Haiti. 

A quick hello and good bye. 

While the news blares Presidential Candidate 

updates and tolerance and intolerance are debated. 

A group is in Haiti. 

Sharing, loving, building, sweating in the name of Jesus. 

The noon time heat is intense. 

So they chose to get to work early. 

They headed to the boys home to build a Safe-T home. 

Temporary shelter for a people longing for a home. 

New beginnings; glimmers of hope. 

The wifi connection is spotty. 

So communication is limited. 

A stark reminder of how dependent we are on fast paced communication. 

Immediate access to information. 

Texting. 

Ways to communicate, never having to speak a word. 

The youngest and I find ourselves alone. 

We go to a friends to watch a movie.

This movie spoke a message loud and clear. 

A message that resonates with my heart. 

Prayer is important. 

We are fighting a War. 

A war for our children's souls. 

Our marriages. 

Our everyday living. 

There is a battle. 

A battle that says you're not good enough. 

This is what you need to be happy. 

A culture that continues to tell us, if we just have this, 

then we can be happy. 

We just need "stuff" to make us happy. 

We need to put ourselves first. 

And then we'll be happy. 

Oh my. 

No, no. 

This is not how it works. 

It is not until we surrender.

Put Jesus first, that is where our happiness begins. 

This. 

This is joy. 

This is love. 

This is not where he wanted to go. 

If he had put himself first, he would be here, on the farm, 

taking care of chores. 

Because that is what he wanted to do. 

Instead he went in obedience. (sort of) 

And God has met him there. 

In his brokenness and deep missing. 

This is love from Haiti. 

This make my mama's heart sing. 

This takes the ache and fills that deep, deep hole with grace. 

We've got one shot in this world to make it count;

to make a difference. 

When the world shouts to us that we need more. 

We need this or that to be happy. 

We need to silence those voices. 

We need to bow our knee to the One who breathes life into us; 

who knows the plans He has for us. 

(photo credit-Kayli Leavitt)

I am not here to become successful or rich. 

I am here to serve; in whatever way God chooses. 

I do not know what that looks like long term. 

What I know is that here, in this moment, I need to be in prayer. 

In the quiet. 

In the chaos. 

In the confusion and busyness. 

No matter the journey. 

Looking heavenward. 

Stepping into obedience even when it's hard. 

Finding joy where God leads. 

Even in the heartache. 

Even when I am disappointed. 

Even when I don't understand. 

I have open and complete access to God. 

He never slumbers nor sleeps. 

Psalm 121:4

He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

There is never poor service or a busy signal. 

You don't have to leave a message or stand in line. 

He's there. 

Waiting. 

Longing. 

As I continue to wait to hear from Haiti. 

I will do the work I have been called to do. 

In humble submission, before a loving and Powerful God. 

While I wait to hear from Haiti. 

I will bend my knee and raise my hands in Praise to the 

One who calls me by name.

For these moments are rich. 

They are not to be missed. 

I will do what I am called to do here. 

And. . . They're Off!

It's the coldest night we've had so far.

There was much on the farm to be done. 

Much to do before they could go. 

To a people in need. 

There is winterizing the well. 

Because cows can not live with out water. 

There are instructions and lists to be made. 

Nieces and High School students willing to help. 

To rise before dawn in the bitter cold. 

To serve. 

And to think my farmer is letting it all go. 

He is willing to push aside the anxiety. 

The fear of something going wrong. 

To go. 

To head to a people made in the image of God. 

The same as you and me. 

Yet so needy. 

A people who live and breathe and have their being. 

He is going again. 

He's taking a whole team this time. 

Because when you're moved deep in the soul you can't shake the desire. 

You've got to go. 

So he is.

 So is she. 

They're taking the farm boy. 

And there, in the land of Haiti, they will give of themselves. 

They will leave behind death and the cancer. 

They will leave behind classes and bills. 

The stresses of this life. 

To go. 

To give. 

To learn. 

To share. 

Will you join me in praying?

Seeking wisdom from the God of the Universe. 

The one who called all these people into being. 

The One who knows the plan. 

The One who asks us to go. 

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Reaching for More

2016.

It's here. 

With marching orders. 

Time. 

Progressing. 

At an ever increasing speed. 

Yet constant. 

Away from all that I know. 

Further. 

Towards the unknown. 

Time. 

I am glad 2015 is over. 

2 dear friends; gone to be with Jesus. 

A nephew. 

A father of 4 and a former colleague. 

Sometimes I can't face the loss. 

It seems that it comes so quickly. 

The weight. 

You feel. 

For others. 

But 2015 also held graduation for our now college girl. 

Visits from dear friends. 

A birthday party, for the double digit girl. 

Held at my friends 

who now calls heaven her home. 

Time with family. 

The news of another farmette.

Moments that I cherish. 

That can be overpowered by the grief. 

A tool used to discouraged. 

So beauty is not seen. 

Time moves forward whether our hearts are ready. 

Some moments I feel strong. 

The living rich and full. 

Always missing. 

Yet still ebbing forward. 

Other moments the defeat is great. 

The ache deep. 

So with eyes I glance heavenward.  

Psalm 121:1-3

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

2My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber. -ESV

The source of my strength resides in the hands of the One who created me;

with a plan. 

For a purpose.

A beautiful gift. 

2016 is before us. 

Choices to be made. 

Walk each day in grace, seeking truth and direction as He wills; 

Or stay stuck in the muck and mire this world delivers?

It is easy to stay stuck.

 Succumbing to the grief and heaviness. 

To climb and reach high. 

Takes effort. 

Work. 

Putting off all that discourages. 

Taking a step of faith. 

So here I stand. 

With open hands. 

Ready. 

Waiting with expectancy for what will be. 

I am standing on that solid rock. 

Reaching for Truth. 

Believing. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will always walk beside us. 

No matter the struggle. 

May you reach for the grace that is given. 

Freely.