A few things I have learned about a cold bedroom. . .Day #7 of Thankfulness

I have learned a few things over the years about not heating the bedroom:

1. I don't need a wine cellar. It's the perfect temperature.

2. Oil of Olay does not contain water. 

3. Oil of Olay does not freeze.

4. Oil of Olay Moisturizer hurts to put on when it is 52 degrees

5.This is not an add for Oil of Olay

6. Never put your clothes on in the bedroom unless you have warmed them first.

7. Your water always stays nice and cool. 

8. It is still not cold enough for spiders to die.
81/2. #8 is really important.

9. Make sure you're fully dressed before you freak out about spiders that are still alive in the cold bedroom.

10. Your cold feet on your husband in the said cold room is not any indication of anything except that you have cold feet. 

11. When you turn the heat up to clean because you hate to clean anyway and having it cold doesn't help, remember to turn the heat back down or the night will be very warm.

 I like my cold bedroom.

I like how the sun warms the room in the afternoon.

This house really was oriented for maximum sun. 

As long as I can look past the dirt on the windows, I am fine.
They are those ceiling to floor windows.
They are hard to miss. . .

Besides the windows are probably pre-ultra violet protection so, the dirt adds a buffer. 

There are some benefits to not cleaning. 

Day # 7 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for:
Reasons to not clean
My childhood friend whose birthday is today
A friend from college whose birthday is also today
For cold bedrooms
Warm husband
Mountain Views
Open Land
Elijah's friends that just "stop by"
Grace for the moment
Back Porch Swing
Healing walks with a neighbor
Coffee
Friends who drink coffee
A cousin who made me Cuban coffee and all else pales in comparison
A beautiful fall
More sunny days than dark, this fall

The lessons I am learning in waiting
The large age differences in our children
A cousin and her daughter coming to visit this weekend
Cards, letter, words of encouragement from this community, some from folks I have yet to meet
God's word as I cling to it moment by moment
My Lord and Savior who goes before me, and sees the plan that I can not

The more we surrender the more God is able to fill our weary souls.
This journey is not about me.
It is all about Him.

"Out of Chaos life is being found in you. . ."

The drumming in this song is a beautiful thing. . .

 miss you Elijah,

Oh, how I miss you.

Even in Death The Single Socks Haunt Me. . . Day # 6 of Thankfulness

It's the missing that stops me short.

The desire to see him.

To chat before he falls asleep.

I sit on the edge of his bed.

I close my eyes. 

Oh, how can this be?

I shake my head and look around the room. 

What do I do now? 

Pack up all his things? 

Relegate his life to a box?

My weary heart is not ready for this.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I pick up the pile of solo socks I have taken from his sock drawer and walk down stairs.

Even in death the single socks haunt me.

Cedric has been wearing his clothes. 

I fold laundry and catch my breath on each shirt.

Cedric.

My second born son.

Now the only.

The only brother.

The energetic, sensitive child.

The one who feels more than most. 

His expression-through music. . .art-creativity.

He picks up the guitar one day, and teaches himself how to play. 

He writes a song for his brother. 

The painful emotions of a bond severed in two. 

And for this boy I am Thankful
Day # 6 of Thankfulness:
For his rapid entry into this world
The energy he brings

Sensitivity that leaves my heart swelling

Artistic expression
Musical ability
A mind that can create, dream and hope without boundaries

Blue eyes full of mischief, just like his father and papa before him
the farming blood that runs deep in his veins
his ability to make me laugh when I am so angry
 his desire to serve the Lord and wrestle with what authentic living looks like

his confidence in who he is

For not fitting into a mold and being ok with that

For having a messy room
For creating small scale farms
For loving his brother, forged through years of desperate battles

reminding me that life goes on and there is joy in the journey.

And this boy has not been to the barn on a regular basis since his brother died.
We have given him space.
He has now crossed that bridge.
It has been 14 weeks.
So, I pray deep and long for this boy.
And I give Thanks.

Ephesians 1:16
I have not stopped giving thanks for you, 
remembering you in my prayers.

I pour out my heart.
I step into peace that only God can offer.
Peace and assurance, that we are loved, that God sees the whole picture.

To Turn Back Time. . .Day # 5 of Thankfulness

We have turned the clocks back an hour.

So easy.

Just turn the knob, press a button.

Boom.

It's finished.

We gain an hour.

Just like that.

Oh, how I long for one more hour.

Yet, I think, if I knew; if I knew I had only one hour left with Elijah, would it have changed anything? 

My mom just left the earth in December. We knew she was dying. We begged the Lord to take her. We told her we loved her over and over. We told her it was o.k. to leave. And it was. It wasn't really, but it was. She had lived a good life-too short in my book. (Though the definition of  too short would change in a little over 7 months) She had fought a valiant battle with cancer.
It was time. But she lingered.
Oh the agony of watching your dear mother hang in the balance of this world and the next.
God was still present. He was still sovereign. . .and Good.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence; 
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

 I was not granted another hour with Elijah. His life abruptly ended; with no warning.
Time can not be turned back.
Time marches forward.
A steady beat.

Click on the link to hear
Mikayla's tribute to Elijah

 I was granted a hug and a kiss before he left.
I was granted moments in that day that are ingrained forever.
Even while they were happening they were crisp.
Everything with Elijah was like that.
There are no guarentee's in this life.
We need to be ready.
We may be called home at any moment.
Are you ready?
Have you healed relationships?
Have you loved well?

But I have been granted other hours, on this earth to finish the life I have.
I want to finish them well.
I want to be found faithful.
I want my life to count for God's Kingdom.

On this day #5 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for:
A daughter that lights up a room with her laugh

My first girl, so delicate and sweet
her friendships
her unwavering faith in the Lord
her ability to derail any serious conversation where she may be in a wee bit of trouble
The way she loves her siblings

her love for her brother who now resides with the King of Kings

her heart that is strong and sensitive
her messy room
(I am putting into practice the attitide change)
her musical and athletic ability
leadership qualities
her confidence in who she is in the LORD
for getting her license in a truck she had never driven
her blatant honesty
her strength when she lost her sweet puppy and brother in 2 weeks time
her willingness to still tell me too much information
For texting when she leaves and arrives at a place just because she knows it helps me
for all the years of driving to and from MA while Nana was sick
never complaining when I missed games, or concerts because I was out of town taking care of Nana
Making the best Pumpkin Latte's. . . .ever
Because when it comes down to it. . .it's all about the coffee

May this thankful journey be one of great joy.
This is my one song I am trying to listen to, to put one foot in front of the other.
It's a brand new day.
Make it count.
No matter what you're going through. . .
And may you feel the hope rising.

Grace at the door. . .Day # 4 of Thankfulness

He stood at the door.

A young woman by his side. 

There were tears in his eyes.

He was struggling to find the words.

I let him have his space.

He said he was sorry it's taken him so long to come.

He was in the Marine Poolee Group with Elijah.

He too, in the Delayed Entry Program.

I recognized him after a few moments.

He was also a classmate of Elijah's.

I also knew the young lady he was with. 

A cousin. 

Her Grandpa the fiddle player in the band Gary played in.

He was leaving at 1:00 p.m. for Boot Camp at Parris Island.

He had wanted to come and see us. 

One of the last things he was to do before he left. 

He told us of his plans. 

He shared the journey that might be his.

Grace. 

That's what that is. 

Beautiful Grace. 

I told him all summer I had been gathering scriptures

 in a journal to write to encourage Elijah. 

That was not to be. 

Instead those scriptures encourage me. 

I asked if I could write to him. 

Would he mind?

He said he wouldn't mind. 

He wouldn't mind at all. 

I showed him the flag that had hung over Parris Island in honor of Elijah.

Those hot molten tears welled up and spilled over. 

Before he left. 

He said he didn't want to intrude on our time. 

He didn't want to presume to know what our schedule was, but if it were possible;

It would be an honor for him to have us attend his Graduation on January 31, 2014.

I came undone.

I held that boy and cried like he were my own.

I cried missing my own.

I cried for all that will never be. 

My heart filled with love for this country.

These Marines. . . How much they care;

to come to this broken mama and share this gift. 

It is more grace.

I don't know how God will work this plan. 

But if it is meant to be, we would be honored to attend we told him. 

And then the young man and his sweet girl left.

We headed to church. 

So thankful we had been home. 

Church as always is a joy mixed with great sorrow. 

In the front still sits Elijah's drum seat.

It's like it's ready for him to set up his drums. 

But that is not to be. 

It is the end of the service that finally leaves me unable to stand,

 unable to hold in the tears any longer.

It has been a long week. 

My heart aches.

I long to be with Chelsea and that baby. 

We wait on answers for pathology.

All while life moves on.

We sing a song,

 that I have been playing non stop since Elijah went to be with Jesus.

Be strong in the Lord, and be of good courage;

your  mighty Defender is always the same.

Mount up with wings, as the eagle ascending;

victory is sure when you call on his name.

So  put on the armor the Lord has provided,

and place your defense in his unfailing care.

Trust him for he will be with you in battle,lighting your path to avoid every snare.

It is with the second verse I struggle.
Because I don't feel as if I have avoided every snare. 

And how did God defend me? 

I have lost a son and now I await pathology reports for cancer for my husband.

And as we sing this hymn I cry. 

I sit down. 

I place my head in my hands. . .and I cry. 

I cry for the young man headed to boot camp.

I cry for my boy who now resides in the greatest Corps the world has ever known. 

I cry for cancer and the unknown. 

And the peace that transcends all understanding fills my soul. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I may never understand why the events of the last year have happened. 

Trying to make sense is wasted energy. 

What I know is that God has never once left us. 

I can not see what He sees. 

I can not begin to know what He knows.

But there is great joy in knowing Him. 

Day # 4 of Thankfulness
I am thankful for:
Grace at the door
Peace ,with hope in Christ
There is a future; and God has it
God's mercy and love
Friends who hold my hand
Afternoons spent with lovely ladies
Sunshine
Young men that want to serve our country
Hope, that no matter where this journey leads, God is still in control
Children who laugh and giggle, love to snuggle
The sweetness of a grand baby and the joy of watching the parents love on that child
The view of the mountains from my warm house
wood that allows the house to be warm and all the hands that made that happen
My husband, he still makes me swoon
His steadfastness through the death of his son and a diagnosis of cancer
His unfailing love for his Savior and the modeling of that in each step he takes
His integrity in business and humbleness in life


Be Strong in the LORD today.
No matter how the day rolls, He is in control.
He sees the picture that we never can.

Hope, Where Do You FInd It?. . . .Day #3 of Thankfulness

I love to hear the rain on the tin roof. 

There is something so soothing.

I have fond memories of sitting with Chelsea on the porch. 

Reading stories, listening to the summer storms.

One night, when she was little, we slept outside, on the porch. 

It was so much fun.

It was so cold in the morning.

Her daddy had headed to the barn, 

so it was just the two of us to keep warm.

All the kids love the rain on the roof. 

When I was pregnant with Eleanor; Gary, Elijah and Cedric carried the
TV and VCR up to the hay mow and we watched a movie up there.
This was before flat screens.
It was raining. 

The smell of the hay and being all together was comforting.

Those were days of peace. 

Untold joy.

And God is still the same God he was then; in those wonderful, warm moments. 

He is still the same God in these cold and painful times. 

He is working out his plan in us.

    Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

    and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

    and no cattle in the stalls,

 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

    he enables me to tread on the heights.

We need to be ready and aware of His working,

There is much Grace poured out for me. 

I am a fool if I do not have eyes to see.

I can not make my heart respond, but my mind knows. 

In time my heart will feel again.
 For now I lean on what I know.

Day #3 of Thankfulness;
I am thankful for Chelsea:

For entering my life in a different way than the other kids

For teaching me how to farm
and fill a diaper bag

For the way she giggles with her eyes
For sucking her tongue and playing with our ears
For messes she and Mal made. . .everywhere
For the hundred times a day she would change her clothes
for the joy of watching her grow

For her quiet ways, so like her father

For her creativity
For her independence
For her honesty
For her soft, inner strength
For babysitting while skyping 250 miles away
For giving us the gift of a grandchild
For her love for her husband
For the way she loves her daddy
For the lessons she has taught me over the years about grace

Psalm 100:4
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.

"There is no one like our God.

For greater things are yet to come

And greater things are still to be done. . .in this city."

He is the hope to the hopeless.

And as we struggle through these days;
as we learn to live differently

we Hope. . .not as this world. . .

but with the hope that there will be a time when all things are set straight. 

Jesus is coming back.

He is our Comforter

He will wipe away all our tears. . .

And there are greater things to come. 

Now He Has Perfect Sight. . . Day #2 of Thankfulness

I climb into bed. 

I am so tired. 

My spirit is deflated.

The house is a mess. 

There is food on the counter.

The floors have not been mopped in 3 months. 

There really is not a counter or table top that is not covered in clutter. 

My mind is cluttered. 

 I know it. 

I can feel it. 

I have shifted my gaze.

It is easy to do;

when things get tough.

When it's hard to breathe;

we tighten our grip. 

We tense. 

And in those moments, 

I have taken my eyes off the One who 

is the only source of strength I need.

Missing Elijah is a part of who we are. 

Everything reminds us of him. 

Our family is incomplete. 

It always will be. 

Nothing will change that. 

This journey in this life has taken a new turn. 

It is unfamiliar,still.

It is pointless to resist.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

This is Day 2 of our Thankful Journey.
Won't you join us in counting your blessings?

I am thankful for the almost 18 years I had with Elijah.
I am thankful that I will see him again

For his blue eyes and crooked smile.

For the thousands of dollars spent on his teeth that he was only able to enjoy for a month.

For his wit and humor

For drum and piano playing - oh how I miss hearing that piano or those drums

For the way he lit up a room- you always knew he had arrived

For his desire to serve this country

For the grace given as we mourn

For a warm house because people chose to give
The faith in God Elijah displayed even when he had so many questions.
He now has all the answers.

Someone from the Walmart Vision Center called the house.
They wanted us to know that it was time for Elijah to have an exam.
It caught me off guard.
I could feel the lump in my throat.
The burning sensation as tears began to flow.
The poor man on the other end of the phone.
I told him Elijah had met Jesus in July.
He now has perfect sight.
And he does.

1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;
 then we shall see face to face. 
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, 
even as I am fully known.

Lord you hear me when I am calling, You catch me when I am falling. . .

30 days of Thankfulness

The Halloween festivities are over.

The candy hidden away from other siblings.
Clarissa is still out. 

I climb the stairs to kiss the girls goodnight. 

I linger at his door. 

I look around. 

How does it come to this?

How can I be left to carry on?

Oh how I miss him.
My child, my son. 

I gaze at his airsoft guns. 

The clothes still not put away. 

His motorcycle jacket and helmet.
The ache remains embedded in my heart.

I think of all the mom's whose children have gone before them.
I can hardly pray.
It is more a groan.

I turn and walk down the hall to say good night to the girls.
I think how much their life has changed.
How will their life be different because of the death of their brother?
But it is all in God's hands.
Even these little pieces that shatter me.
Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD your God 
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 
Do not fear; I will help you.

I head downstairs.
I make sure Gary is comfortable.
Clarissa comes home and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Will there ever not be a knot in my stomach?

I asked him not to go out.
I asked him to bring Crystal back to the house.
He was sitting across from me at the table.
He looked at me for a long time.
Those blue, blue eyes.
Did he know; 
this was the path chosen for him?
He had to do what he had to do?

These are all questions that have no answers.
Thoughts with no end.

It is the first of November.
The thankful month.

I Thessalonians 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Each year, a journey to purposefully give thanks.
It is a practice.
A decision.
Join me in 30 days of giving thanks.

Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis on the Wittenburg Door.
He sought discussion and change.
So much like today.
Our best effort at change is to change ourselves.

Thank you Lord for:
The lessons we learn in the hard times
For meeting us in our darkest moments
Surgery that went well and hope of a positive outcome
Times of waiting 
Meals, phone calls, cards, flowers, hugs
Pumpkins with ETD -he will not be forgotten
A community that has lost greatly and is not afraid to show their love
Mountains and open land
the struggle that changes us to lean more on Him

When we practice being thankful,
when we practice, not my will but thine, 
God is able to work.
He changes us, to be more like him.
I long to be more like him.
What about you?

And so I empty my hands. 
Fill up my heart. . .with you LORD. . .
Capture my mind with you. . . 
I need your grace.


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