With Whom do I Wrestle?

My heart is wounded.

I am tired. 

This path is wrought with grief and pain.

The only way out is through. 

One needs to wrestle through the memories.

Through the future that will never be;

snatched away.

I've been robbed. 

Robbed of graduation from Marine Corps Boot Camp, 

robbed of the future of our son. 

And it hurts.

I can't change it. 

No matter the longing, it will never be. 

Yet my wounded heart is held in the palm 

of the hand of the One who created us. 

And as I wrestle each day with the reality of never hearing 

Elijah's voice again, never watching where his future leads. 

I am never, for a moment, outside the grasp of God. 

Psalm 139:10

even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

I wrestle with the events of the accident. 

Oh how a mama's heart hurts to think about her boy. 

Could God have stopped it?

Did He allow it?

Why me? 

I already have given my heart to Him. 

He didn't need to get my attention. 

He has had it for years.

What was the purpose in this agony?  

These things I will never know this side of eternity.  

I give thanks again for a community that is unrelenting in their love for us. 

For friends that show up when I am a tearful mess. 

For a cousin that listens.

For a friend that sheds tears with me as I pour out my heart to her. 

For God's Word. 

It is comforting.

It is honest.

And it is Truth for a hurting soul.

I can't sort this out. 

I can't make it make sense. 

I don't know who to wrestle with. 

The God of the universe called Elijah home. 

And all the pleading and praying is not going to change it. 

I want to know where to go from here. 

I want to see how to live. 

For now, that looks like one step in front of the other. 

Breathing in and out. 

Eyes lifted to the sky.

Hands open in surrender. 

It is thanking for the 17 years we did have.

For first steps, birthdays, learning to ride a bike, snuggles and reading, laughter and discussions. 

Graduation and dreams.

Hugs and a kiss before he left. 

All gifts given. 

We are awaiting the call from Chelsea sharing new life. 

That her precious Lilah has arrived. 

And that is hope. 

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and

 assurance about what we do not see.

We step out in hope. It is uncharted waters.

It is unknown.

It is a battle to strive to seek. 

But God will walk with us every step of the way. 

Even when we don't feel it.

Mostly when we don't feel it. 

He is there. 

And He is good. 

And He will restore our joy.

He will lead us through this Valley of the shadow of death. 

This Road is Hard, and Long

Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? 

how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, 

having sorrow in my heart daily? 

how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes,

 lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; 

and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

 But I have trusted in thy mercy; 

my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

I listen to a song, "shall I take from your hand the blessing, yet not welcome anything; shall I love you in times of plenty then leave you in days of drought. . .Let your will be done in me; in your love I will abide, Oh I long for nothing else as long as you are glorified."

So quiet my restless my heart. . in you. . .

The days are growing shorter. The dark comes quickly.

Daylight hours are precious and few.

There is still much to do to ready for winter. 

Many things demand our time and pull us toward the urgent. 

Yet our hearts ache and our steps are slow. 

This new journey doesn't fit well.

We weren't meant for death. 

We were meant for life.

And so all within us groans and tries to fight off the pain. 

We seek God's face.

We plead with him for grace.

We plead with him for strength for this journey.

My farmer works on the fence that he and his boy worked on together.
The pain searing like a knife.
Unexpected.
Death, the enemy, has taken his son, his friend.
And in the evening, with hushed voices,
 we talk of this ache and the purpose God has in our lives.
And how we are going to live with this factured family and
without our Lijy.

I delve into a new book. Desparately trying to use the mind that feels so foggy.

I balance check books, and agonize over 50 cents to get it "right." Something that is concrete. 

It can't be wrong. Numbers are constant. 

And so I find the error. 

Success. 

It is these little areas that I feel some control. 

Shortly after Elijah went to be with Jesus, a friend gave me a cd.

Come Weary Saints by Sovereign Music.

It is healing balm to my soul. 

I listen as I write.

I listen as I cry out to Jesus to please take this cup from me. . .yet not my will but thine. 

And I am reminded. 

We need to thank him for the struggle, for the fire.

And for the strength He gives.

For everyday.
God is still God even in the darkest night. 

I can not do this journey on my own. 

I hide in my Father's arms.

Because I am weak. 

And I long for things to be different. 

So, I turn and give thanks. 

I Count my 1,000 Gifts:

• Blue eyes that haunt my memory
• dimples
• lopsided grins as he turned and said goodbye, that one last time
• Friends
• Hugs
• Needlepoint at the backdoor remembering my red head
• Notes and cards with memories written in love
• College visits and a friend that comes with me to hold my hand
• Steps away from the accident leading closer to our home going
• The deep love of Jesus
• Daughters that love each other 
• A son that is trying to find his way with out his older brother
• A God that fiercely loves us and won't let go
• Friends who bring dinner when I am a weeping mess
• A doctor who still makes house calls and listens to all our fears and worries
• A husband that works so hard to provide for our family and never complains. . .ever

Deutoronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the Lord your God goes with you; 

he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

There is A Season

One of Gary's Uncles drops off an article he has had since 1974.

It is an article about Gary and the farm. 

I sit and read this old news. 

Gary is 18.

The age our son never saw. 

Funny how pieces of the past draw you in. 

Popovers and Oatmeal for breakfast this morning.

Elijah did not like popovers. 

I can't remember how he felt about oatmeal. 

I always had to ask the kids to remind me what they liked. 

I walk out of the bedroom.

It is warm.

We have heat in the house.

Such little things.

Yet so important.

I listen to the messages on the phone. 

I decide to listen to the saved messages. 

The first, is mom.

I sigh when I hear her voice. 

She was just checking in. 

Now, she resides with the King of Kings. 

The next is the message from the State Trooper's dispatch asking us to go to the door. 

There was a State Trooper waiting to talk with us the night of the accident. 

The power had gone out so the phone never rang. 

These 2 messages side by side. Representing time gone by. 

The past.

I am not sure what the future holds.

 Sometimes I do not want to know.

 I am not sure I can take anymore. 

Yet, I do not want to miss the path God has prepared for me. 

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do not want to miss the grandchild soon to arrive. 

So, while my heart is heavy.

I turn. . . 

Psalm 119:59

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.

I turn the oven on and make popovers.

I turn the stove on and cook oatmeal.

I turn the pages of my bible to seek the only counsel my heart needs to hear. 

I turn the volume up on my phone to make sure I hear a phone call if Lilah is starting her journey. 

Ecclesiastes 3 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 A time to be born, and a time to die. . .A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

 a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

What ever season you may be in, may you turn to the comfort of the word.

May you turn, to the arms that will never let you go. 

Be Still My Soul, As the Waves of Grief Come

Psalm 63:1

O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide. 

It is there I stay. 

He will order and He will provide. 

My every need is under his care. 

And I will still my grieving, aching soul today.

We spend a few days looking at colleges.

A friend and her son join us on this escapade. 

I am grateful for the companionship. 

Each day is a step away from the accident. 

Time moving on.

It is Crystal's birthday. 

We meet her in the city. 

She tags along with our crazy group.

We make memories that will last a lifetime.

Just not the lifetime we all thought it would be.

And we come home. 

And the heaviness returns. 

A lifetime that has changed forever. 

And again I breathe in deep. 

I quiet my soul. 

And I relive the Saturday night all over again.

And this morning when I rise. 

 I need to fight the ache and dark that threaten to overcome.

I hear sweet voices coming from the guest room.

And the 3 daughters living in the house all slept together and are giggling about something.

I breathe in again, and I turn my mourning to praise.
I am still before the only one who can still my aching heart.
Because in my mind 12 weeks is too long, yet in God's it is but a breath.
2 Peter 3:8
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: 
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, 
and a thousand years are like a day.

Better is one day in your courts. . .

Crystal's Birthday and Living Water

John 4:14

but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, 

the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

It's Crystal's birthday.

She is 19 today.

She sent me a text.

 

She says she doesn't want to turn 19. 

She is 19 and he is forever 17. . .

I breathe in deep.

The pain sears my heart. 

This is hard. 

This hurts. 

It is one thing to deal with your own pain;

 but the effect on your children and their friends. . .and Crystal. . . rocks me. 

Elijah had a knack for making special occasions memorable. 

He was often last minute. . .

But he was still so thoughtful.

It is these things that drive us to our knees;

wondering how we will ever get through?

 So many years of memories.

So many dreams.

To be left behind is hard and strange.

Waters that are unknown. 

Where do we go from here?

The dreams have changed.

But hope hasn't.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

We have no other hope.

There is no other answer.

So Crystal, as hard as this day is. 

It is also wonderful.

It is the day you were born.

The day you were created for a reason and a purpose. . .

And that purpose is yet to be known.

We look forward to seeking God's plan for your life. 

We don't know why this happened.

And we don't know what the future would have held. 

So, while it is hard. . .

We wish you the happiest of birthdays, wrapped in all the love we can send. 

But more importantly wrapped in the knowledge that your journey is not over. 

(and a post full of the ellipses that Elijah so despised)

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Two Roads Diverged, And I Had No Choice

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I did not choose this road. 

It was made for me. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

It is the less traveled of the roads. 

It is the road lined with searing loss.

But it is the road chosen for me.

The road we were meant to walk.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

The road though, is lined with loving support; 

 sprinkled with restful grace along the way. 

The uphill climb wears on the body,

 but the soul is nourished and never left alone.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

We don't know how to thank this wonderful community for not forgetting.For Reaching out and holding us close. We don't know how to walk this road. We don't know where it will turn or become impassable. But the grace bestowed on us, helps us press forward. 

Our eyes cry endless tears. Our hearts hurt from the agony of loss. I miss him. Dreadfully. And my soul wants to cry it's so unfair. Yet each time the burden feels too much, we receive a call, a card. a loving touch. We lean into what we know. And even though we are on the "Road Less Travelled". There has been endless beauty, extravagant grace, and abounding love.  

Whatever is in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah.

Even on Your 20th Anniversary, One Can Get Cranky

Even on your 20th Anniversary one can get cranky.

We don't relax. 

We are in constant motion.

Every moment needed to survive.

For a farmer there is work and there is sleep.

And when the harvest is in or the sun too hot. . .

There is a season for rest. 

But not much. 

So when 20 years come and we take a break.

There is bound to be bumps in the road.
But we work them out. . . it's the way of marriage.
It is giving and giving more.
It is loving better, being patient and kind.
Keeping NO record of wrongs.
I Corinthians 13

And time away has been good.
We live in a beautiful state.
The color exquisite this year.

We arrive at our hotel ,.
We are told that our room has been upgraded.
We are wished a Happy Anniversary
We did not share this information when we made our reservation.
They are aware of our son's passing as well.
After we are in the room for awhile, there is a knock at the door and room service delivers chocolate and chilled champagne. . .compliments of the General Manager with the room upgrade.
This is extravagant grace.
I can count on one hand the number of times we have been away.
Never, have we been treated like this.
Thank you to whom ever planned this detail.

We dined by firelight, had massages.

But still cried ourselves to sleep.
Even in the elegance of a place like this,
 the raw emotions of a broken heart can't be escaped
I  pray.
I pray for 20 years of loving.
I pray for loss and broken hearts and a family that will never be the same.
I pray for our children still allowed to be with us and the new life coming soon.
I pray for those that carry the new life and strength for their journey ahead.

Life is not easy.
Marriage is not easy.
But loving God is.
It is  surrender,  repentance, and acceptance.
 Mercy and Grace.
We all have a story.
We all have pain.
But we all have access to the One that will;
"wipe every tear from their eyes. 
There will be no more death’
 or mourning or crying or pain,for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
There is hope and there is joy. . . beyond anything our earthly minds can grasp.

Looking through my phone last night I found a few more pictures.
I treasure these gifts.
I miss all that has been.
This new walk is unfamiliar.
Yet, each moment of the way we are held.
We are loved.

May we all take time today to keep no record of wrongs. . .
If you will, please take a moment to listen to this link from my cousins' son Adrian Gonzalez.

I Corinthians 13
Adrian Gonzalez