How a Community Grieves; A Year Later

Another repost from the archives. These days are still so fresh as we journey forward. We have had many, many visitors this year to the farm. Friends I have not seen in years, bringing hugs and love. All trying to make some sense of this difficult time. It has been a year of grace and trusting through the storms. Our farmhouse doors will remain open. We will walk the journey in this life with bowed knee and eyes lifted to the heavens. 

Psalm 121:1-4

I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

July 29, 204
How A Community Grieves a year later.
The teens and their families gather together. 
Their words are few. 
All remembering. 
All stepping forward. 
College. 
Jobs. 
A future. 

We remember. 

One year ago today. 

July 31, 2013

The day we welcomed our Community in to say Good Bye. 

What we received was completely unexpected. 

A town, a church, friends, family all affected by the life of such a wonderful young man. 

We had no idea. 

We had visitors again.

This time they received an open invitation.

They didn't have to come. 

It was just an offering. 

But come they did.

Young, old, students. friends, teachers, 

some whom we had never met, relatives. 

They came.

Broken, shattered with grief. 

When a community mourns. 

You don't feel alone.

For moments you're so supported.

We did not see this . We had no idea how long people were waiting. . 

Waiting to hold us and whisper love into our hearts. 

I didn't want the day to end. 

I knew what it meant.

I know what comes next.

The sum of a young man's life presented in the parlor of his home.

 Laid to rest where other relatives have predeceased him. 

None so young.

Treasures and stores of memories

Crazy Children

Lots of Love

 Blessings

And now Grace

We will miss hearing you play today; 

I bet the heavenly choir will be rockin'

But we know without a shadow of a doubt we will see him again. 

I love this song by JJ Heller

May you find peace an comfort today. 

May you rest in the everlasting arms of the LORD. 

If you don't have a relationship with Christ 

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

JJ Heller Your Hands

The Anchor Holds

The day dawned. 

I stood on the porch; not wanting to be awake. 

Odd for me.

The sun rose to meet me. 

Much like a year ago. 

The same sky. 

The same God.

The world just a little older. 

The vastness of the Universe running through my mind. 

How Great is our God. 

Sing with me how great is our God. 

(Chris Tomlin How Great is our God

It's not because of what He's done, but because of who He is. 

I can not fathom the why. 

I need to live in the, "what now".

There is a life time of living still to be done. 

Though its step are painful and the ache deep. 

I stood on that porch; redone since that last year. 

Not needing to dodge the precarious soft boards. 

No threat of falling through. 

A gift given. 

The beat of the day off a bit. 

I head to a friends to let the girls swim. 

Their laughter echoed in that place. 

Beautiful. 

Reminding me of hope. 

Pressing me on. 

Later  family gathered around the table.

The rains came.

We were cozy inside.  

There was laughter and smiles. 

His friends came later. 

There was laughter. 

They sat and visited. 

Catching up on the year. 

They've been in college. 

They wanted to light lanterns. 

It was raining. 

A change in plans.

It all felt comfortable. 

My soul at peace. 

My heart longs for success for each one. 

Much joy. 

Deep faith. 

Hebrews 16:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

The anchor holds. 

As the storm continues to rage we will stay strong. 

We are reaching for hope. 

Our souls are at peace. 

We are battered and weary. 

But the Anchor holds. 

As you are tossed about this sea of life,

 May you know the security of the Anchor holding fast. 

You Can Still Press On

When your parents dog, father's sister (your god mother),  parents best friend and mother have all died within  10 days and the memory thief has knocked on your father's door. . . and he needs you to get through . . .  you can still press on.

When you beg God to take your mother because the ravages of cancer have left her lifeless and emaciated, he won't. . . .you can still press on.

You can sit in your yard and hold your daughter's beloved dog that has just been hit by a car and beg for him to live, and he won't.  He will die in your arms and you will not shed a tear. You can toss your cookies and go and be strong for your daughter. You will press on.

2 weeks later you can be awakened at 2 a.m. in your pajama's and stare at  police officers as they tell you there has been an accident. And your beloved red head didn't survive.

You will not shed a tear. You will press on. You figure out how to help your farmer because there is no power and the red head was supposed to help with milking. So you need to wake the blonde and tell him we need help and that his beloved older brother now sings with the Angels. In Jesus' name, you will press on.

You will climb those 16 steps to wake that beautiful daughter and tell her that losing her puppy is nothing to what you are about to share. You will press on.

I have learned that a Community has no boundaries, nationality or prejudices.

Grace given time and time again, unmerited; undeserved.

I will drive the newest car I have ever had. And each time I get into it I am grateful, angry and sad all at the same time. I will press on.

I have cried more tears than I thought possible when I am alone and when I am in church.  I have wailed. Deep,  guttural wails. . . I can't stop. The grief piercing.

There is a cat that visits me at the graveyard. It's not creepy. And he's not all black. He doesn't seem to mind my tears or my cries. He sits patiently; by my side.

I have learned when the doctor calls and says it's cancer you will shed no tears. You will find that grief and cancer can be lived through. You will press on.

I have learned that a walk to the cross and digging deep into the Ancient Word each day is the only way. My knees bent low; my heart surrendered. I can press on.

Front porch visits have turned into front porch prayers. There is a harvest of righteousness being poured out. We will press on.

We have lost fellowship with some friends. It is too much for them. I understand. Yet, I don't. We will still press on.

A marriage is built on trusting, giving, sacrificing, loving and prayer. Together, In Jesus' Name,  we
press on.

We will press on no matter what comes our way. We will lean into all that God has to give.

Each step, a choice made. 

We will live with our hands wide open to receive all He has to give. When life is hard and the road riddled with hurdle after hurdle, we can grow weary.

 It is through the power of the holy spirit that we gain our strength. It is in letting go that we receive. We will press on.

I pray that you take a moment to listen to this song. 

May it minister to you as it has to me. 

In Jesus' name . . . we will Press On. 

Thank you for liking our Davis Farm Face Book Page. Thank you for reading our blog. Thank you for praying for us. Make God guide our footsteps as this life continues on. Thank you you all for your support.

His Chains Are Gone. . .. He's Been Set Free

His chains are gone. He's been set free. 

All he knows is peace and more peace. 

It is we, who are left behind that need the prayers. 

We walk the hard road. 

We have walked the year to a different beat. 

Longing for a familiar cadence. 

Not to be. 

Walking the road of grief; blindsided by cancer. 

Uplifted by grace of a community. 

Reminders continually of the strength we need to persevere. 

The unthinkable has happened. 

It has been a year of firsts. 

A year with out my mom a year with out my son. 

A year with cancer. 

I can't imagine a future without Elijah. 

So I will take one day at a time. 

We will continue to embrace with gratitude, each moment. 

We will revel in the small things. 

We will share the message of hope with all who will listen. 

My journey is not over. 

Though days I long for it to be. 

I will seek the work still needed to be done. 

Will you make a difference in this world? 

Will a corner be different because you cared? 

If maybe for a moment you stopped;

turned, and gave. 

What a difference we could make. 

It doesn't take a lot. 

It takes a little of us all working together to make a lot of difference. 

We can change the world by offering one nice comment. 

Extending grace. 

One act of kindness a day. 

Elijah's life ended abruptly. 

The course of events changed forever. 

My hopes and dreams shattered. 

My soul weary from grief. 

Through it all one thing has remained. 

We knew where he was going. 

We have a sweet assurance. 

The journey to the cross difficult and riddled with pain. 

But it is the way. 

There is hope.

There is solid ground. 

I will praise my Savior; each and every moment. 

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 

my Savior and my God.

As we sat in the waiting room before the funeral. 

We sang Amazing Grace. 

I missed my mom. 

I longed for my boy. 

Thank you all for walking this journey with our family. 

For loving our children. 

For being the hands and feet of Jesus. 

This song has ministered to my heart this year along with many others. 

I have been set free. 

My sinful soul is covered by His amazing grace. 

May you all know that grace. 

That unconditional love. 

Live In The Fullness

I fight through these days. 

The last he had here on this earth.

I long for things to be different. 

Yet trying to step forward each day. 

Agony. 

The need to do what you do not want to do. 

Press on. 

Remember. 

Seek joy. 

Let go. 

Digging for the strength needed. 

Only the grace for the day. 

I settle into all that will never be.
He will never be a United States Marine.
He will never marry.
Our family portraits will never be the same.

I don't want to hear the words, "You're healing."
Like I'm going to be new again?
My son has been torn from me.
I will NEVER be the same again.
Nor do I want to be.
I can never be that again.  I will never be Elijah's mom.
He has achieved ultimate success.
Yet I want more.
I want to learn.
I yearn for God to guide my foot steps according to His plan.
I want to shake these earthly chains and live with abandon for the One who died for me.
There is more to life.
Reaching for that which we can not see is always hard.
I will continue to strive.
Holding on to the hope given.
Living for eternity.
These days are a stretch.
I will pick the kids up from camp today.
It is the last day we ever saw Elijah.
He went to a shooting competition, while we went to NY.
We came home.
It's all so surreal.
My farmer drove over to the range to catch the last of the shooting match.
We are so glad he took the time.
There was still hay down.
So much to bale.
Yet he went with his heart and went to the range.
Little did he know.
We don't know.

Matthew 24:42
"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know 
on what day your Lord will come.

Each moment needs to be embraced and lived.
Our time will come.
Some with lives lived long and full.
Others short. . . yet full as well.

God knew Elijah's days.
He numbered them.
Live in the Fullness.

Colossians 2:9-10
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form,
and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. 
He is the head over every power and authority.

It Is Well With Me. . . .Because Of Him

It's been a year. 

A year since we were outside harvesting the sunshine for winter. 

Working together. 

Spurred on by the holy spirit I went to the barn. 

2  kids off at camp.

The other 2, with friends. 

So I went to the barn. 

To be with my son and my farmer. 

I wrapped bales. 

I slowed the process. 

I wrote on bales.

Messages for the dark of winter.

I wrote on one bale in particular;

which we found months later.
When the battle of cancer versus chemo and radiation was waging. 

I didn't know, how precious this would become, that sunny day we baled. 

Grateful for a day of sunshine. 

My heart was full. 

I rejoiced. 

I prayed over and over those bales.
I wrote prayers of gratitude.

Begging God to reap a harvest where there seemed to be none. 

Little did I know how my world was about to shatter.

In a little over 48 hours I would never spend another moment with this beautiful red head. 

I am so glad I spent this day with him. 

We laughed. 

I wrote on those bales for all to see.
I thought when he was gone to boot camp there would be a great memory. 

I Love You Elijah!
He knew. 

And now he knows in full. 

He understands a mothers love even better than I do. 

The questions he wrestled with are answered. 

Oh, but how I long for this boy. 

Memories swirl in my head. 

I wonder how I can live another day without my son. 

And yet another day passes.
I am renewed. 
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

I am here. 

Breathing in and out.
Placing one foot in front of the other.
Seeking strength. 
Resting. 
Being filled.
Finding joy through this storm.
Yielding my spirit to the Giver of Life.
He is my strength, my life, my hope.

It is well with me. . . because of Him.

Never, Ever Give Up

I climb the stairs. 

A routine established each night. 

His door is the first at the top of the stairs. 

Everything is so quiet.

Two are at camp. 

One in heaven. 

I make a comment on face book about wanting to keep my kids young. 

The responses are interesting. 

No, they say. 

You want them to grow up and enjoy all they will become. 

Right now, those thoughts are hard to embrace. 

When they were young they were all here. 

They were safe. 

We have enjoyed the oldest.

College. 

Moving to Maine. 

Wedding. 

New Life. 

Even in the midst of death and cancer we have rejoiced. 

We have felt the rhythm of the cycles. 

Drawn forward. 

Willingly or not. 

It is hard to look into the future. 

A future that does not include Elijah. 

It is so wrong. 

Yet it is the reality. 

So no, I don't want my kids to grow up right now. 

But they will. 

Time will march on. 

We will live through the Anniversary of the accident. 

Clarissa will graduate. 

I will place my worry and cares at the foot of the cross. 

I will voice every fear I have; loudly and repeatedly until they have no voice.

Living fully is my desire. 

God hears our cries for mercy. 

He continually sends grace. 

He is my comfort, my hope and my rock. 

It is through him the fullness will come. 

Trusting each moment of the journey. 

Today, Elijah had 4 days left. 

Make your days count. 

Give that grace. 

Take a deeper breath. 

Call the estranged friend. 

Repair the damage in the marriage. 

Hold your child a little longer. 

Speak life giving words into their soul. 

Step into hope. 

Never, ever give up. 

Hebrews 6:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

 It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

How Do You Make The Glorious Summer Days Last?

How do you make the glorious summer days last?

Seeking to embrace the quiet. 

Loving the cool breeze and sunshine. 

Yet the urgent supersedes.

Never ending. 

Constant motion. 

Be still.
I want to slow the pace.

I want to breathe it all in; not miss anything.
It is hot. 
We sit in the river; my sister in law and I.
The first time all summer. 
I close my eyes; I feel the warmth of the sun.
I want to hold on to this time.
Remember the warmth when the winter cold settles.
I feel the cool water flowing beneath me.
Aren't all the days fleeting?

Psalm 39:4
"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; 
let me know how fleeting my life is.

Embracing each moment.
The good; the heart wrenching.
Letting God order the path.
We head to the house.

None of us quite ready to give up the glorious day.
We sit by a bonfire.

I give thanks for our friends. 

For this moment in time.
The future is still too hard to imagine.
I will linger in the moments.

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.